Confession Thursday FTW

1. I know I said I'd NEVER do it, but I wore leggings out of the house at a time when I was not going DIRECTLY TO YOGA AND DO NOT COLLECT $200.

Worth it.

 2. "Totes" is part of my vocabulary. As in, "I totes wore leggings when I dressed up as Cookie Monster for a dance party Friday night."

 

3. I've had a sweet potato for dinner every single night this week. 

4. I didn't go to class Tuesday because it rained. I just couldn't make myself walk a mile+ in the blustery blowing water when attendance doesn't even count. It doesn't even count. I did make it to yoga class, though.

Not the same thing.

5. I'm actually supposed to be being really productive right now. 

 6. I have an extra-large, ahem, issue on my forehead.  And no. I'm not showing you a picture.

7. I have a message for you this weekend:

Behave!

Confessions?

These Thursday Confessions are brought to you with the inspiration from Monica.

Secrets of Life

I like to be happy, you like to be happy, we all like happiness. (Actually, I've come across people who seem to like to not be happy, but that's kind of besides the point because I have no idea why and I bet you don't either.) Anyway, I do, just like the majority of human beings. I've written lists about things that make me happy  (<-- that was so long ago!) before, and also, I have a bucket list that is ever-so-cleverly referred to as my Happy List, but this is more about doing things to achieve happiness. After all, we pursue happiness, and, cliche as it may be, we all know that happiness is a choice, at least 94.73% of the time for 94.73% of people. So, here are some things that I do that are constantly making me joyful.

• Pursue a relationship with Jesus.
• "All sunshine and sovereign is God, generous in gifts and glory." -Psalm 84:11
• "Behold, God, my salvation! I will trust and not be afraid, for the Lord God is my strength and song; yes, He has become my salvation. Therefore with joy will you draw water from the wells of salvation." -Isaiah 12:2-3
• "You have made known to me the ways of life; You will enrapture me [diffusing my soul with joy] with and in Your presence." -Acts 2:28
• Avoid cold showers and mud puddles.You can fill in your own blanks, but these are two things that can seriously put me in a bad mood. 
  
• When you think you might regret something you're about to say or do, walk into another room. You might change your mind, you might not. I don't buy into the whole no-regrets thing- hey, I've hurt people for no good reason! Not cool!- so this helps  me bite my tongue or realize that I don't really want a tattoo or just calm the heck down. Or take a nap or draw a picture or hang out in downward dog long enough that you get woozy and forget about all of it. There are lots of things to do in your room that don't hurt anyone's feelings or shock your parents. (Sometimes I don't do this.) (I still say things all the time that I shouldn't.) (I should really take my own advice.)
• Listen to music. If music isn't making you happy, you're listening to the wrong kind. Shoot me an email. I can help. Furthermore, DANCE!
• Drink coffee. Or whatever it is that makes your smile. (I just recommend the coffee.) It's this beautiful thing that lets you personalize it until you have your own little cup of liquid-y, steamy heaven. And I promise I will not judge you if you latte it up all the time. Black coffee does not equal cool. If it's not coffee, let yourself drink OJ or whatever. I am not advocating alcoholism. I don't need any lawsuits on my hands here.



That's water, I think. But don't I have the best friend in the world?




• Be friendly. I'm serious. Fake it, if you want. But smile at people, hold the door, thank the barista when you order that latte. It's a surefire way to make friends and people with friends are happy, right? And you get the benefit of a support system when things go downhill, which means you'll be back to happy in no time at all. This isn't an exact formula, though. Play around with it a little bit.
• Smell some flowers, play with a kitten, stand on a mountain- understand the whole thing is bigger than you, there are people who wish they had your life, and that this is all you're going to get, so why not let yourself be happy?

But then again, what do I know? 

Decide. Commit. Succeed.

"Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and your plans will succeed." -Proverbs 16:3

"Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men." 

-Colossians 3:23

 Do you think those are cheesy ways to begin a list of I-want-tos for a new year? Me too, actually. I bet blogs all across the land are speaking these very verses over themselves in the name of growing and following and becoming better. Well, me too, then. I'll speak it over myself.

I want to be better. A better servant, a better listener, a better cook,a better daughter, a better hugger, a better leader, a better talker, a better confronter, a better example, a better friend, a better lover, a better yogini, a better dancer, a better go-getter, a better sister, a better laugher, a better companion.

I want to be more. I want to be more obedient, faithful, loving, grace-filled, forgiving, compassionate, easy-going, understanding, accepting. 

I want to add er to all that I am: Kinder, gentler, freer, funnier, stronger.

And I want to do things I've never done. Because if I've learned anything this year, it's that I can do things I've never done. I may learn to love it, I may give it up; it matters not. The point is, I can always use new hobbies.  

Things to Accomplish in 2011 

(Think of these like Jack Sparrow would: as guidelines, not set rules)

•  Have a 15 minute morning devotion before I get out of bed
• Learn to knit
• Own a pair of great boots
• Run a 5k
• Read my textbooks
• Get a summer job
• Cook five new recipes
• Read 12 books
• Try two new vegetables
• Eat an apple a day
• Talk on the phone more (instead of text messaging)
• Discover new music
• Go out of my way to perform acts of service
• Make homemade lemonade
• Talk to my mother everyday five times a week, just because I can
• Have intentional conversation. Lots of it.
• Have some lots of spontaneity 
• Travel somewhere above Kentucky

If I don't complete all those bulleted things, I'm telling you right now, I'm okay with that, because that's just what they are: items on a list, things that don't matter unless I choose to give them life. But the other stuff- it matters, either way. It matters because I am a servant, a follower, of Jesus Christ. It matters because I am a leader, because people watch me. It matters because I am about to be given 365 opportunities to make decisions and to wake up and put my hands in the Lord's. Some days I'll succeed, some days I won't, but if I don't grow at all? Well, then 2011 will be a waste of more hours than I care to calculate. If I don't further the kingdom in the next 12 months, then I'm just taking up air, not fulfilling my purpose. The incredible thing is that my purpose isn't yours, and only I can do it. My place is me-shaped, and I was meant for it. And if I do all of that and come out with a few homemade scarves and a glass of lemonade, well, then, I couldn't really ask for more.    

                                                                                                                                                                        

2010

I'd say 2009 was the year that catapulted me into adulthood. It was during that year that I made one of the biggest transitions of my life, and certainly the biggest one of my life thus far.

2010, then, was the year that I embraced who I am becoming. I'm so different than I ever thought I might be, and I think I've surprised others, too. I didn't know that this is who I would become, but I wholeheartedly embrace the identity God gave me. This was the year that I really felt like an adult, at least as far as decision-making goes. When I have a job, things will be different. A husband, a baby, a retirement funds- all of those things scream "responsibility," and I'm not ready for any of that, but what I was ready for was driving in Atlanta traffic. I was ready to commit to earning an education. I was ready to do my own laundry and buy my own groceries and cook them on my own stove.

I was ready to become a part of a church that God had picked out for me, and to find my way into a group of people there. I was ready to understand how important sleeping and sweating and putting good fuel into my body really is, and to decide to make good decisions regarding that. Yes, 2010 taught me a lot.

Things About 2010 That Make Me Proud

• Since May 14, I've worked out 5-6 times a week. My body is more toned and stronger and more capable. Sure, it's smaller, too. But I fuel it well and it responds. This adventure opened my eyes to a healthier lifestyle that punches heart disease and diabetes in their faces. And it has taught me that I can also punched the stereotypes that I've concocted for myself in the face, too. Uncoordinated? Always. Unathletic? Weak? Afraid? Not hardly. 

• My grades showed my professors, my scholarship providers, my parents, and me that I wasn't joking around about this college thing. I'm there to learn. I learned. And I did a darn good job of it. I'm entering Spring 2011 with a 4.0.
• I crossed several things off my Happy List (which is really just a bucket list): 

• Make a Real Snowman 
• Paint a Canvas 
• Eat a  peanut butter and jelly sandwich
• Take a Yoga class
• Own a fantastic little black dress
• Take a spontaneous road trip

 

• I read more books, including, but not limited to The Harry Potter series, Catcher in the Rye, The Joy Luck Club, and The Hobbit.
• I relearned how to appreciate my own company. I had lots of drives and lots of nights and lots of classes when my comrades were lacking. I learned how to pray with my eyes on the road, how to appreciate a blanket and a movie and a cup of tea, how to wander around a neighborhood and be perfectly content in the world God created- for me.
• All too often, I withdrew from people instead of stating my feelings, and I'm not proud of that. But I learned the importance of saying "We need to talk," "It hurt my feelings when you...," "I've had a bad day and I need some time," and, most importantly, "I'm sorry."
• I challenged myself spiritually and God showed up. I Bible studied in groups, and I discipled with a mentor and I had quiet time with coffee and I prayed and I did all of this with faith and my God took my hand. He confirmed again and again this truth: 
• "Come near to God and He will come near to you." -James 4:8 

                              

I go back

This summer has blazed all sorts  of trails for me. I've done lots of things I'd never done (or stuck to) before. I've gotten into new routines and found new obsessions and made lots and lots of memories with lots of different people. It's been a summer to remember, that's for sure. I wouldn't trade these experiences for anything, from the six hours alone in the car every week to the night time talks with Aunt Jane to the sweat on the treadmill. Sure, it wasn't what I was expecting or planning, but it was what I needed and it turned out to be something I'll miss very much come August. It'll be a summer I look back on and, smiling, say, "Oh yeah, that's when I got to know my cousins" or "That's the summer I found out I was capable of being healthy" or "That summer? Hey, I learned to drive dirty on the interstate that summer! Oh, and I fell in love with..." I fell in love with a lot this summer, mostly my family, both in Atlanta and back home. I got to know them up in Atlanta, which is something I hope I never lose. And when I came home, I got to see Taylor's eyes light up as he met me in the yard, wrapping his arms around me and asking, "You're staying? You're staying?!" Can't beat feeling loved, can you?

Things That Will Always Remind me of This Summer (at Least Until I'm 96 and Have Dementia):

• Cocoa Krispies
• Summer Bridge Books
• Interstate 85
• Cake Boss
• My medium leopard suitcase
• Chopping apples (I did this SO much, for some reason)
• Almond butter
• Jillian Michaels
• The Princess and the Frog
• J93.3
• Spaghettios (well, making them)
• Toy Story ANYTHING
• Lagrange, GA (the Starbucks there is mine, all mine.)
• Weight Watchers lemonade stir-ins
• The name Sascha (This is the cat, and really often, someone walks into the kitchen, sees her on the counter/table/floating midair and yells, "SASCHA, NO!")

I'm sure there are loads of other things that will make my breath catch and transport me back here to these months, these weeks that have been so different and wonderful and challenging all in their own ways. I am very, very excited for the year ahead, but let me say, this last week of summer will be bittersweet. It flew.

It honestly flew. 

I just read a post over at Storked! titled, "What would you do with an extra hour?" Chrissy is a single mom in Jersey, and I love her blog not because of the mom factor (although I've been reading since JD was a tiny baby, and I think he is an adorably cute kid!), but because she has a job I'm after. However, she and I are very different, and so, friends, I'd just like to think about the things I get to do with my hours that are all my own. Yup, maybe I'm gloating, but right now, I'm in this time of my life and I know it's a selfish one. What, really, do you have to worry about in college besides yourself? YOUR grades, YOUR friends, YOUR accommodations. Soon (hopefully..), I'll have a husband who will change that, and a job that will change that, and kids that will change it more. So, things that I absolutely love doing:

• I LOVE my library routine on Tuesdays and Thursdays, and I realize I've spoken about it tons, but I want to remember it, because next semester I won't have it. I go to the library after my 8:00 class, when it's still and quiet and only serious studiers or people who got the early classes have crept from bed. I hide out on the third floor in a comfy chair with a large coffee and blog. Occasionally I do homework, but really this is my morning time to get everything together for the long day ahead (and it's a long one). It's all for me.
• I love taking long showers. I do this rarely, because so many times I'm on a time crunch- shower before church, shower before meeting friends, shower before Janie comes down, shower after working out. But every now and then I just have a pocket of time that I choose to fill with showering and I can shave and deep condition and exfoliate and let the water work out the knots in my shoulders. I can blow-dry and straighten and moisturize. Mmmmmm.
• I love watching Grey's Anatomy. Enough said.
• Sleep! I WILL sleep in m/w/f, thankyouverymuch. No, I won't meet you for lunch at eleven or on the quad at ten or for coffee (okay, I do meet people sometimes). But mostly, I just enjoy sleeping. Especially on Fridays. Sadly, I am still very sleep deprived. But I'm not alone: College freshmen everywhere skimp on sleep. Drats. I will get better. I will.
• Facebooking, blogging, chatting. All those online things that fuel my generation.
• Reading. Oh, I am revamping my love of reading. Thank you, Gorgas Library!

What do you indulge in? If you can't think of something, shame on you!

things that have changed about me since college, and why i'm hating today.

I knew things would change about me once I came to college. I was moving out, moving on, moving up. I had the chance to do things the way I wanted to, even if those things were simply choosing what cereals to buy or how to fold my t-shirts. No longer was I forced to bend to the ways of my home (although I doubt Lori would have stood with a whipping cane, forcing me to fold t-shirts any particular way), but I now have the freedom to experiment, to draw conclusions, to change. I can do things in the way I think is best. Given, these are small, minuscule, trivial, even, parts of life. And some of these things have simply come about; before, there was no need for the things that I now must have. But, on to the list.

• I drink coffee regularly. More so, I crave coffee the way alcoholics must long for a shot of whiskey. I demand it on rainy days, cold days, i-only-got-three-hours-of-sleep days, and especially rainy, cold, i-only-got-three-hours-of-sleep days, but mostly, all days. Ironically, I used to see it as an occasional treat that I didn't really even like all that much, and I would go for some sort of fancy concoction. I do really adore a white chocolate mocha these days, but a tall, large, bold coffee with skim and sweet n low will work just fine, thank you.
• I'm a studier. I've never been one who had to study, or felt that desire to "oh my god, i have to be the best at every, single thing," and thus, my life never really warranted too much studying. (Although read any of 2009's posts from January through May, and my anatomy-induced whining will tell you different). However, now, I have come to love the library, and often retreat there between classes to do some not-extremely-pressing studying.
• I care much less about my appearance. This could be the new friends I have who don't care either, the sleep deprivation, the fact that I am always going somewhere, and I was already supposed to be there ten minutes ago, or a combination of these, but I am super happy to throw on sweats and throw my hair up and forgo makeup, just because, um, that's not all that important.
• I eat healthier, but, in the same breath,
• I eat a TON of sweets.
• I am so much less attached to my phone. This is a funny one, because you would think I would become more attached to it, with so many people that I care about so much farther away from me. But, I find myself leaving it for hours in the room or not really caring when it dies. It's possibly because I am so often with most of the people that would text or call anyway. I am also much less likely to respond to you these days, just because I'm too on-the-move to constantly be texting, and it's takes away from my focus on the people I'm with. This, my friends, is a good thing.
• I carry a backpack (I stopped doing that in the tenth grade).
• I get so much less sleep. Internet, I am so sleep-deprived. I am not alone, though. Uh-oh.
• I have black fingernails. TAKE THAT, NANCY AND ADA!
• I, supposedly, talk differently. I say, "drats," and also, my voice has changed. I don't even know about that one.
• I drive a lot less.
• I did find that the most important food to me is cereal. I love, love, love cereal. I will forgo toilet paper in favor of Oatmeal Squares. Not kidding.
• Oh, and how I fold my t-shirts.

And, why I hate today: (in list format! a whole list full of HATE! lucky you, you reader, you!)

• It's raining.
• Not only is it raining, but it's monsooning in a very tropical-stormy way.
• It's monsooning in such a tropical-stormy way that it turned my umbrella inside out. Yeah. That happens in real life.
• That happened today. This morning. Before my coffee.
• It's cold. This makes the monsooning rain even more difficult to stand and induces shivering that can be misidentified as seizing, not to mention the inside-out umbrella-wrangling. Oh what a joy I must have been a watch as I fled to the library.
• I only had three hours of sleep last night. Yup. Three. The number babies can count to before they can even say the word banana. Less fingers than are on one hand. I feel like if I get a number of hours of sleep that would also be an appropriate pizza slice serving, I have failed. Three falls into this category, folks.
• In addition to the sleep and the rain and the cold, I had class. At 8. All the way across campus.
• I wore flip-flops today and,
• I don't have a rain jacket with a hood. (Allow me to mention that the desire to steal my roommate's was very large, but I fought it in a good Samaritan way and went with a measly sweatshirt.)
• I have history tonight. And the outlook of my getting a nap before then seems so small because I have a paper due.
• AND i found out I have a test on Thursday. Couldn't he have told us last Thursday? That man, I swear.
• At this point, I have coffee breath, and no gum.
• I also have class in 53 minutes.

One thing I love about today? This wonderful routine of mine, with coffee and a muffin and a blog or two. Really, quite wonderful indeed. Plus, it's supposed to be sunny tomorrow.

again, again, again!

Well, I've done this before, but that was a year, and things are different. I still agree with that list, but let's add to it.

List of random things that make me happy:

• white chocolate mochas after my 8 o'clock class.
• the library (especially when I don't have homework to do in there!)
• having a homework assignment finished before right before it's due
• a stack of books to read
• movie nights with my friends
• hot chocolate on the quad
• anything on the quad...
• the quad! (i really love the quad)
• kit-kat bars, brownies, cookies, pasta; really anything that is delicious and bad for you.
• Bryant's salad bar and turkey sandwiches
• snuggling
• Blanka
• coming up with a creative idea (i.e.- putting drawer liner under my desk calendar to keep it from sliding around)
• Joanna's singing
• new jeans
• new makeup
• new anything, except zits or pounds or boogers.
• homemade meals
• postcards
• handwritten mail
• any mail
• letters, notes, cards
• a big bowl of cereal
• a clean house
• dressing up
• but also, sweatpants and sweatshirts (especially the $5 ones at Wal-Mart!)

that's all for today!

I'm having one of those weeks.

No, Internet, not one of those weeks- one of THOSE weeks!

The kind where you forget about all the junk that habitually tears you down and tires you out and steals your smile and knots up your shoulders and causes you to walk slower and all of the things that turn you into an unhappy person if you don't catch it and stop and forget it.

Well, Internet, this week I did just that. I'm not sure why I'm so incredibly happy; there's no particularly wonderful thing that happened to me on Sunday to induce all of the joy that I'm experiencing. I just decided to be, and it worked. It worked. Mostly, I looked around and noticed all of the wonderful things God bestowed upon me. I know that if you dig into my background, if you listen to my story, there's a lot of bad. Between the dead mother and the alcoholic father and the psychotic stepmother and the siblings that never got on the right path, I have a lot to whine about, and trust me, I have and I do and I will. I'm a whiner (if you don't believe me, start reading.) But, I have so much to be thankful for, so many blessings! For each trial, each smelly old shoe that gets thrown at me, I am handed a vase full of wildflowers. God holds me and says, "Yeah, I took away your mom and your dad, but that's because Chris and Lori were meant to raise you. Yeah, I took away your dream of Vanderbilt, but that's because I wanted you at Alabama. Yeah, I took away that least week of summer, but that's because you needed to meet your best friends."

I didn't always see that, and I don't always see it now, old and seasoned as I am at 18 years of age. It took me years to understand why my mom died, and even now I don't comprehend the whys, I just appreciate that God knows what He is doing, and that by relinquishing to His control, my life is exponentially more joyful and fulfilling. And even so, I still struggle with giving up control of my own life. It's the human in me.

But, this week isn't like that. For this week- so far at least, until some sneaker hits me in the nose- I am filled with the happiness that all of this provides. And I'm starting to see the pleasure that all of these little things- the tiny things that I usually fly by as I'm focusing on the "bigger picture"- can provide if I'll just let them. And, Internet, let me count my blessings, name them one by one.

• Sunday, I went to the grocery store. I bought all the things I wanted: Oatmeal Squares, chocolate cereal bars, Cream of Wheat. I spent $15. It was glorious.
• Then, I had dinner with my best friends. We watched a movie. We laughed. We made noise. There was much fun to be had and we didn't mind if we did, thank you very much. My beautiful, beautiful friends.
• On Monday, I got to sleep. I GOT SLEEP! Some time after college, I may actually get the recommended eight hours a night, or seven, or six, but let it be said that for the entirety of my college career so far, I have only received an average of 5 hours a night. I know, it's my own fault.
• Monday night I went to class and the professor- a man who I've really comes to dislike because, my god, he reminds me so much of the dentist, and although I wouldn't admit this in real life, the dentist gives me the heebie jeebies, and actually induces panic attacks- kept talking about the "scholarship." Now, I don't pay too much attention in this class, but I'm not dumb. Nobody else knew what he was talking about either, so we asked and he mentioned (just now!) that, oh yeah, we'd be getting a $2,000 scholarship for the class. Oh, a $2,000 scholarship? Neat. A FREAKING TWO THOUSAND DOLLAR SCHOLARSHIP. Excuse me while I happy dance for at least three weeks straight. The most wonderful part about this wasn't even the money: It was my Lord, who is so freaking wonderful. The college ministry at Calvary Baptist challenged college students to give a lunch offering- something that they would miss. Initially started out with $5, but at the last minute, I doubled that- something I would miss in my grocery budget this week. I did miss it when I went to the grocery store, but a day later, I got my entire next semester paid for. I sent this in an email to Lori: "They say there aren't miracle anymore, but my God is miraculous. He fed the 5,000 with two loaves of bread and five fish, and he paid for my college next semester with $10." How insanely wonderful. God is SO good. So good to me.
• Then, today was my full day, although I didn't have history. But I woke up at 7 this morning and ran around all day, but it was just so nice. This morning I got a cup of coffee and sat in the library blogging and facebooking and chatting. I went to class, and I went to lunch with those wonderful friends. I worked on my history paper. I read the Great Gatsby. I noticed all the beautiful things life had to offer.

And I sang...

In the land that is plentiful  

Where Your streams of abundance flow 

Blessed be Your name  

Blessed Be Your name 

When I'm found in the desert place 

Though I walk through the wilderness 

Blessed Be Your name 

Every blessing You pour out  

I'll turn back to praise 

When the darkness closes in, Lord 

Still I will say  

Blessed be the name of the Lord 

Blessed be Your name B

lessed be the name of the Lord 

Blessed be Your glorious name