again, again, again!

Well, I've done this before, but that was a year, and things are different. I still agree with that list, but let's add to it.

List of random things that make me happy:

• white chocolate mochas after my 8 o'clock class.
• the library (especially when I don't have homework to do in there!)
• having a homework assignment finished before right before it's due
• a stack of books to read
• movie nights with my friends
• hot chocolate on the quad
• anything on the quad...
• the quad! (i really love the quad)
• kit-kat bars, brownies, cookies, pasta; really anything that is delicious and bad for you.
• Bryant's salad bar and turkey sandwiches
• snuggling
• Blanka
• coming up with a creative idea (i.e.- putting drawer liner under my desk calendar to keep it from sliding around)
• Joanna's singing
• new jeans
• new makeup
• new anything, except zits or pounds or boogers.
• homemade meals
• postcards
• handwritten mail
• any mail
• letters, notes, cards
• a big bowl of cereal
• a clean house
• dressing up
• but also, sweatpants and sweatshirts (especially the $5 ones at Wal-Mart!)

that's all for today!

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Last night, just like every other Wednesday night since I've been in Tuscaloosa, I went to the Well. In the spirit of renewing my relationship with the Lord, I've been giving it all I have and begging Him to come to me.

And He does.

Last night, we studied a passage in which Jesus asked a couple of blind men a startling question:

"What do you want me to do for you?"

Wait...Jesus asks me that same question? The God of the Milky Way and Africa and white chocolate mochas asks me, "What do you want me to do for you?" This is what the preacher man tried to convince me. In years, months, days past, I would have responded with something church-y. "Lord, I just want a deeper relationship with you..." Sure I do. But that's less of His doing and more of mine, I'd say. And so, with the urging of the most wonderful pastor in the world, I was candid and true and fierce in my expectations of the Lord, and as I prayed to Him, I told Him exactly what I wanted Him to do for me, and it came out so sudden and raw that I was shocked:

Lord, I want a husband. I want a man who loves You, and who seeks You. I want a man who will love me and see the best in me and remind me when I can't see it, and I want to have the ability to give this gift to him as well. I want someone who has goals and aspirations and can make me laugh. I don't care who it is or where he's from, as long as he's who You want me to have. I'm waiting for him, Lord, but please give him to me. I don't want to be lonely forever. I want the soul mate you've got waiting for me, and I believe he's there and that You will provide him.

Oh, and I want a deeper relationship with You. But really...a husband? Those were the words that flowed. I'm eighteen years old and quite happily single, with only a string of flings to my name- not a serious relationship in sight, and I'm requesting a husband? I didn't even know.

Regardless, I have faith, faith as tiny as a mustard seed that can and does and will move mountains, and that's all I need, because He has promsied to do the rest. And so I will let Him.

Today, my e-mail devotion spoke of God the Performer, and well, He's telling me this: "Let go, and Let God." Okay.

God is a performer! Think about that. He performs things on your behalf. Say this a dozen times, "Father, I thank You that You perform on my behalf. I thank You that You perform on my behalf!"

"Son of David, do not pass me by."

I have faith that He won't.

I'm having one of those weeks.

No, Internet, not one of those weeks- one of THOSE weeks!

The kind where you forget about all the junk that habitually tears you down and tires you out and steals your smile and knots up your shoulders and causes you to walk slower and all of the things that turn you into an unhappy person if you don't catch it and stop and forget it.

Well, Internet, this week I did just that. I'm not sure why I'm so incredibly happy; there's no particularly wonderful thing that happened to me on Sunday to induce all of the joy that I'm experiencing. I just decided to be, and it worked. It worked. Mostly, I looked around and noticed all of the wonderful things God bestowed upon me. I know that if you dig into my background, if you listen to my story, there's a lot of bad. Between the dead mother and the alcoholic father and the psychotic stepmother and the siblings that never got on the right path, I have a lot to whine about, and trust me, I have and I do and I will. I'm a whiner (if you don't believe me, start reading.) But, I have so much to be thankful for, so many blessings! For each trial, each smelly old shoe that gets thrown at me, I am handed a vase full of wildflowers. God holds me and says, "Yeah, I took away your mom and your dad, but that's because Chris and Lori were meant to raise you. Yeah, I took away your dream of Vanderbilt, but that's because I wanted you at Alabama. Yeah, I took away that least week of summer, but that's because you needed to meet your best friends."

I didn't always see that, and I don't always see it now, old and seasoned as I am at 18 years of age. It took me years to understand why my mom died, and even now I don't comprehend the whys, I just appreciate that God knows what He is doing, and that by relinquishing to His control, my life is exponentially more joyful and fulfilling. And even so, I still struggle with giving up control of my own life. It's the human in me.

But, this week isn't like that. For this week- so far at least, until some sneaker hits me in the nose- I am filled with the happiness that all of this provides. And I'm starting to see the pleasure that all of these little things- the tiny things that I usually fly by as I'm focusing on the "bigger picture"- can provide if I'll just let them. And, Internet, let me count my blessings, name them one by one.

• Sunday, I went to the grocery store. I bought all the things I wanted: Oatmeal Squares, chocolate cereal bars, Cream of Wheat. I spent $15. It was glorious.
• Then, I had dinner with my best friends. We watched a movie. We laughed. We made noise. There was much fun to be had and we didn't mind if we did, thank you very much. My beautiful, beautiful friends.
• On Monday, I got to sleep. I GOT SLEEP! Some time after college, I may actually get the recommended eight hours a night, or seven, or six, but let it be said that for the entirety of my college career so far, I have only received an average of 5 hours a night. I know, it's my own fault.
• Monday night I went to class and the professor- a man who I've really comes to dislike because, my god, he reminds me so much of the dentist, and although I wouldn't admit this in real life, the dentist gives me the heebie jeebies, and actually induces panic attacks- kept talking about the "scholarship." Now, I don't pay too much attention in this class, but I'm not dumb. Nobody else knew what he was talking about either, so we asked and he mentioned (just now!) that, oh yeah, we'd be getting a $2,000 scholarship for the class. Oh, a $2,000 scholarship? Neat. A FREAKING TWO THOUSAND DOLLAR SCHOLARSHIP. Excuse me while I happy dance for at least three weeks straight. The most wonderful part about this wasn't even the money: It was my Lord, who is so freaking wonderful. The college ministry at Calvary Baptist challenged college students to give a lunch offering- something that they would miss. Initially started out with $5, but at the last minute, I doubled that- something I would miss in my grocery budget this week. I did miss it when I went to the grocery store, but a day later, I got my entire next semester paid for. I sent this in an email to Lori: "They say there aren't miracle anymore, but my God is miraculous. He fed the 5,000 with two loaves of bread and five fish, and he paid for my college next semester with $10." How insanely wonderful. God is SO good. So good to me.
• Then, today was my full day, although I didn't have history. But I woke up at 7 this morning and ran around all day, but it was just so nice. This morning I got a cup of coffee and sat in the library blogging and facebooking and chatting. I went to class, and I went to lunch with those wonderful friends. I worked on my history paper. I read the Great Gatsby. I noticed all the beautiful things life had to offer.

And I sang...

In the land that is plentiful  

Where Your streams of abundance flow 

Blessed be Your name  

Blessed Be Your name 

When I'm found in the desert place 

Though I walk through the wilderness 

Blessed Be Your name 

Every blessing You pour out  

I'll turn back to praise 

When the darkness closes in, Lord 

Still I will say  

Blessed be the name of the Lord 

Blessed be Your name B

lessed be the name of the Lord 

Blessed be Your glorious name

It hasn't been easy.

As a matter of fact, it's been hard. Harder than I expected; much, much more difficult than I ever imagined. There have been fights, horrible, painful fights, that come from knowing someone well enough to exactly where to hit them, and expecting things out of them that they can't live up to, things that you should never expect. Fights that brew when you take a person for granted far too often and forget that they don't just have to be there. That at any time, especially when they're two hours away, they can decide to stop. But tonight it found it's way back, this friendship of ours. We fell into place again, and danced to the same beat, and we let it be. We laughed and talked, and while the tension let me know that things were still pulled a little snugly, it melted away. And I remembered- I remembered why I fell in love with your friendship in the first place, why I loved you so very much.

Yes, it has been hard. You've hurt me; God knows I've hurt you. We weren't as strong as we thought, but then again, maybe we're stronger. We put fight into this. We said, "No, I will not let you drift away from me. Maybe it is hard, and maybe it hurts, but I love you and if fighting for you is what it takes, then I will do that." Maybe it had to be hard before it could be easy. Maybe we just had to grow up a little. Or a lot. Maybe we're succeeding. I sure hope so.

I can't promise that it will be easy. I live far away. It's not California, but it's farther than we ever imagined. I'm sorry about that. And I love it- sometimes I'm sorry about that, too, that I wanted this, I'm the one who chose to put us through this, and I wouldn't change it. I'm sorry, but I wouldn't. It would have been far too easy to stay, and so I had to go. And my friends? I absolutely love them. I love that I had a chance to pick the friends I wanted instead of being friends with them, because, well, I go to school with them. I love that I have friends who think like me and friends who don't. I love that I found a best friend who understands me, and what I'm going through, and lives upstairs.

I hate that you think any of that changed how I felt about you.

Here's what you should know. You should know I don't have to talk to you everyday, that I don't have to know every detail. Sounds crazy, as in the past, it has upset me when you left things out, but, well, I've grown up. You should know I've changed, but if you could love the new me, I think we could revive this. You should know you haven't been replaced. Oh, no, you haven't. She made your absence more tolerable, but not less noticeable. You should know I'm doing just fine, but don't think I don't get homesick, and for you. I do. You should know that my family is a priority, and that yes, you're a part of that- a huge part- but that balancing it when I come home so that everyone ends up happy and no feelings get stepped on is like trying to not eat brownies- very, very hard. And so, I'm sorry that you're often the one that gets stepped on. I'll try to do better. I swear.

Mostly, you should know that I miss you. And I love you. And I know those are just words, and that lately our words and actions have been more hurtful than anything else, but I swear it's true. And when i say I miss you, I don't necessarily mean physically. My little heart misses yours. Come back to me.

This is who we are, we are intertwined. We can't be without the other, even if that means we're just fighting- we're still connected, still worrying, and fretting, and fighting, and loving. We always have been.

p.s. I decided we're no longer allowed to text. It's just gives us the freedom to say what we don't mean. Just call me.