Sunday, March 1, 2009

I guess that since I've told you, I can talk about it now. It's sort of a relief, because the only other person that knows is Courtney.

It was a Friday, but school was out, so we were at home. Emilee was not there- and I can't remember where she was, because my nana was in the hospital. My mom had to pick her up and take her home. The day before I promised I would go with her. She'd been home from rehab for about two weeks. That morning, Courtney was going somewhere- I can't remember where, but I wanted to go with her, instead of with my mother. I was still very, very angry with her. Anyway, my mother begged me to go with her.

Please come, Lindsey. Please come with me. We'll go to Sonic afterwards, I promise. Just come with me.

No. I want to go with Courtney.

Please? We'll have fun. We'll pick up Nana, take her home, and hang out. Please, baby.


Please, please, please come with me. I don't want to go by myself. Please come with me.

I'm not going anywhere with you!

I know that she wouldn't take me to get those pills- she got them from a lady whose name I won't post here, but who didn't live in a great neighborhood. If nothing else, she knew that I was smart enough to figure out what she was there for, and that I would tell. She was supposed to be clean, remember. And I would have told. I think she knew, though, that she wasn't strong enough to not go, if I wasn't with her- she'd had a huge fight with my dad the night before. And so she begged me. If I ever talk to her again, I'll say, "Why didn't you just make me? Say get in the car, you're going?" But I was so angry with her, and I don't think she wanted to make that worse. That day I wanted to be anywhere but where she was; ironically, everyday since that day, all I've wanted is to be with her.

I pitched a fit and she left. She was wearing khaki capris and a black shirt and she had a black sweater tied around her neck. She drove a red trooper. She was supposed to be back home soon, but Courtney dropped me off and left and she wasn't. I called her cell phone a whole bunch but she didn't answer. And when she finally did get home, she had Zaxby's. And she was acting funny, but I recognized it immediately. I knew what had happened, then. But I didn't think she was going to die.

I've gone over and over this day in my head a million times at least. I live with this, everyday. You can try to talk me out of it, but I was there; I remember exactly. No, I didn't kill her. But If I had gone, like I promised, if I had been less angry at her and just appreciated that she was trying, then she wouldn't have died that night. Maybe later, but not that night. I played a part in it. And I haven't forgiven myself.

And that's what nobody knows. I've never told Laine or Chris and Lori or anyone, that i was supposed to go, becuase I know that they'd know that she wouldn't have picked up those pills with me. The lady who gave them to her got arrested after she died for doing it. But you do, now. But I didn't tell you so you could save me from it; I just told you so it would stop being so heavy, because I think about it all the time. If she's where she can hear me, I apologize all the time. I tell her every time I visit her that I am so, so sorry that i didn't go and that I see now why she wanted me too. That she needed me to be strong for her, and I wasn't.

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