Friday, December 26, 2008

my butt.

I have this thing on my forehead, and it's freaking me out. It's a sore- NOT A PIMPLE!- but I have no clue how it got there. I thought it was a bug bite, but now I really don't think so. Then I thought it was a burn- but if I burned my head that bad, I'd remember. Lori mentioned staph- because she thinks she has a spot on her nose- so I looked that up and a certain kind sort of matches up-down to the swollen lymph nodes and itching! If that's what it is, it should go away on it's own, says the mayoclinic, just clean it with alcohol and apply antibiotic ointment. Done and done. Hopefully it will go away on it's own- before school and without going to see a dr. I knew that my lymph nodes were something! It's all connected, which is better than everything (itching, rawness, sore, lymph nodes, dry scalp) being something different.

Anyway, I used my head and shoulders on my scalp and washed my face really good, and then I did the alcohol and antibiotic ointment. Please, please, please go away, weird freaky thing!! Then I did a little research on my youth retreat- to the Xtreme Conference in Gatlinburg- and found out I know (and love) most of the bands playing. Yeah! I'm really excited now. I'm sort of packed, too! Now, I'm eating cheese grits (only 100 calories a packet, since I'm trying to lose 5 lbs, to which my bff scoffed at) and watching Sex and the City. A perfect night. I love nights in, as long as you balance with nights out- and tomorrow I have plans. So yay!

p.s. I found a pair of rockin' jeans for my first day back to school. They'll make people look at my butt and say, "Where did she buy that? I want one."

Thursday, December 25, 2008

Christmas 2008

What a great two days! Yesterday, we were pretty much non-stop after about 1 p.m.- to my dad's for a few hours, to church forcandlelight services, and then to lori's mom's until 10 or so. Then, it was home for baths & santa notes and whatnot. It was really neat to see Taylor because he definitely grasps the whole idea this year, even more than last year. This morning we were up at 7:30, which is actually kind of late- I remember getting up at 6 when I was little, but we're a bunch of kids who love sleep! Everyone got exactly what they wanted from Santa, and then we opened presents from each other. After two months of anticipation, it was over in about thirty minutes! I got my laptop, and Hailee got a cute little one as well. We ate our tradtional big Christmas morning breakfast, complete with cinnamon rolls and bacon (YUM!). After that, we all cleaned up the wrappping paper and torn boxes and settled in. Hailee and I set up our laptops and after like two hours, I finally got internet working for both of them. Unfortunately, I then enabled security, and hers will no longer identify the network- I think her firewall is blocking. Anywho, we'll have to fix that tomorrow. The rest of the day we spent laying around. We had dinner with my sisters and Mimi and then they left, and I've been exploring my computer for awhile. You would have thought I've never seen the Internet before! It's been a great, lazy day, with everyone just doing what they want. Everyone pitched in for breakfast and dinner cleanup and, surprisingly, no one's room is a pile of toys. We all cleaned! I was really excited for my best friend's present, which we were supposed to exchange this afternoon or tonight, but due to her other engagements, we'll have to put that off, on account of it's too late now. Oh well, I don't look like I need to see anyone anyway lol. I've got curly hair, but it's been soooo long since I scrunched and my hair has grown so much that it's mostly just waves. Also, I have no makeup and a nasty mark on my forehead that I suspect is a burn from the straightener. The things girls do! Anyway, I swear I'm about to tear myself away from the computer for a hot bath and then BED. I'm tired and am supposed to go shopping tomorrow. Oh, that crowd...I'm gonna get some jeans for Gatlinburg though!

Merry Christmas, everyone!!
I'm am so utterly and totally content. I'm sitting with my new laptop on my bed, myspacing and blogging and doing pictures. No one's asking me to get off, and no one cares that's I've been on for an hour. I'm texting my BFF, and I just finished a bowl of taco soup- YUM. Christmas dinner is cooking in the kitchen. My sisters are on their way over for that. I'm eating hot cocoa hershey kisses- Yum! I took a shower but put on my pjs again and just scrunched my hair. No makeup, even. I'm snuggling under my blankie and watching grey's anatomy. All of this is happening simultaneously. Tomorrow, I'm going shopping with said bff, and I've got plans Saturday. Sunday, I'm leaving for Gatlinburg. As far as I'm concerned, life is good right now. You might even go as far to say that I'm the vice president of fantasyland. But check with me on Tuesday !

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

natural highs

I got this in an email:

Natural Highs:
1. Falling in love.
2. Laughing so hard your face hurts.
3. A hot shower..
4. No lines at the supermarket.
5. A special glance.
6. Getting mail.
7. Taking a drive on a pretty road.
8. Hearing your favorite song on the radio.
9. Lying in bed listening to the rain outside.
10. Hot towels fresh out of the dryer.
11. Chocolate milkshake (vanilla or strawberry).
12. A bubble bath.
13. Giggling.
14. A good conversation.
15 The beach
16. Finding a 20 dollar bill in your coat from last winter.
17. Laughing at yourself.
18. Looking into their eyes and knowing they Love you
19. Midnight phone calls that last for hours.
20. Running through sprinklers.
21. Laughing for absolutely no reason at all.
22. Having someone tell you that you're beautiful.
23. Laughing at an inside joke with FRIENDS.
25. Accidentally overhearing someone say something nice about you.
26. Waking up and realizing you still have a few hours left to sleep.
27. Your first kiss (either the very first or with a new partner).
28. Making new friends or spending time with old ones.
29. Playing with a new puppy or kitten.
30. Having someone play with your hair.
31. Sweet dreams.
32. Hot chocolate.
33. Road trips with friends.
(or even more delightful -- with your daughters!)
34. Swinging on swings.
35. Making eye contact with a cute stranger.
36. Making chocolate chip cookies.
37. Having your friends send you homemade cookies.
38. Holding hands with someone you care about.
39 Running into an old friend and realizing that some things (good or bad) never change.
40. Watching the expression on someone's face as they open a much desired present from you.
41. Watching the sunrise.
42. Getting out of bed every morning and being grateful for another beautiful day.
43. Knowing that somebody misses you.
44. Getting a hug from someone you care about deeply.
45. Knowing you've done the right thing, no matter what other people think.

it's true, it's true, it's true!!

Monday, December 22, 2008

ENFJ: Teacher

I just took a typology test that gives you a personality description. Here's what I got:

Idealist Portrait of the Teacher (ENFJ)
Even more than the other Idealists, Teachers have a natural talent for leading students or trainees toward learning, or as Idealists like to think of it, they are capable of calling forth each learner's potentials. Teachers (around two percent of the population) are able - effortlessly, it seems, and almost endlessly-to dream up fascinating learning activities for their students to engage in. In some Teachers, this ability to fire the imagination can amount to a kind of genius which other types find hard to emulate. But perhaps their greatest strength lies in their belief in their students. Teachers look for the best in their students, and communicate clearly that each one has untold potential, and this confidence can inspire their students to grow and develop more than they ever thought possible.
In whatever field they choose, Teachers consider people their highest priority, and they instinctively communicate personal concern and a willingness to become involved. Warmly outgoing, (I am outgoing!)and perhaps the most expressive (I pretty much never stop talking) of all the types, Teachers are remarkably good with language, especially when communicating in speech, face to face (Did I mention the talking?). And they do not hesitate to speak out and let their feelings be known (Just ask my best friend) . Bubbling with enthusiasm, Teachers will voice their passions with dramatic (that's a word that's been used to describe me before) flourish, and can, with practice, become charismatic public speakers (Public speaking? Pssh. Nothing to it. Yes, I'm serious!). This verbal ability gives Teachers a good deal of influence in groups, and they are often asked to take a leadership role (Editor-in-chief anyone?).
Teachers like things settled and organized (Me, again) , and will schedule their work hours and social engagements well ahead of time-and they are absolutely trustworthy in honoring these commitments (This is probably the most accurate thing of all. I've gottenburned several times because I am such a planner and people don't show.) . Valuing as they do interpersonal cooperation and harmonious relations, Teachers are extraordinarily tolerant of others, are easy to get along with, and are usually popular wherever they are.
Teachers are highly sensitive to others, which is to say their intuition tends to be well developed. Certainly their insight into themselves and others is unparalleled. Without a doubt, they know what is going on inside themselves, and they can read other people with uncanny accuracy (Again, ask my bff. She usually denies it for awhile, but when something's wrong, I know. Maybe it's just because I know her. though.) . Teachers also identify with others quite easily, and will actually find themselves picking up the characteristics, emotions, and beliefs of those around them. Because they slip almost unconsciously into other people's skin in this way, Teachers feel closely connected with those around them, and thus show a sincere interest in the joys and problems of their employees, colleagues, students, clients, and loved ones (Hence the, "What's wrong?", BFF!).

I think mine was pretty accurate. Take it for yourself here.
It's like the orthodontist. See, the first time, you have no idea what to expect and the pain takes your breath away. It aches for days and days afterwards. The next time, you have a better idea, but that doesn't mean that it does hurt, and as always, there's the ache afterwards. That's how it is.

Just when you think that you are finally getting over it, there's another visit that comes up. And it starts all over again. And even though everyone says that there willbe a day when it's over, that day is so far in the future that you can't possibly imagine it being here.

Christmas is one of those visits.

Christmas Eve

For the first eleven years of my life, my mom threw the Christmas Eve party. My memories of those parties include the 'Happy Birthday Jesus' cake she baked, chairs pulled from the dining room into the living room, and a chorus of "Thank you!"s over the endless chatter and laughter. There was always a pot of my dad's special beans, which I've never really liked but eat anyway, and the fire always burned- and has eaten a couple of money envelopes over the years. Now, I'm sure there was some animosity, also, but I've etiher blocked that out or they hid it well enough that I never had a clue. The year after my mom died, my sister and dad threw the same party. I don't remember much about it, but I remember that we tried our best to act normal. It just wasn't possible. Over the last few years, we forgot the party completely once, my stepmother threw it once (but she served brie as opposed to my mom's velveeta, and as you can imagine, that didn't really go with my family), and Chris and Lori did the other times, except for last year. Last year we did it on Sunday, a few days before Christmas, and it was just my dad's side of the family that came over.

Last year's "party" differs so much from my memories of the earlier ones. Of course, the obvious thing is that my mom isn't there. But it's more than that. I rmeember us being a family- sharing and loving each other. Now, we don't resemble a family at all. We're more like groups of related people who are divided by events and circumstances and feelings that we can't overcome. There is forced small talk. It is quiet. We separate into our little cliques, staring at our watches and counting down how many minutes until we can check this off our to-do list and get ready to celebrate with the ones we really want to. This year, we're doing it earlier in the day so that we can go to church at night. There's been confusion and disagreement about it. I'm dreading it.

I always feel like I'm cheating when my dad comes over. It's weird to refer to this house as my home to him- even though it is. It's weird to ask Lori if I can do something instead of him- even though she's my parent, really. It's weird to stay when they leav- although when they leave, it's not weird anymore, because this is my home.

I guess you can say I'm ready to get the dang thing over.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

my 5 yo nephew is walking around at 10:30 singing, "Mary did you boy..." LOL!

Chance of Rain: 60%

It's cloudy again. It's been like this all week. I wish it would go one way or the other- rain or sunshine. I hate being in limbo. I really wish the sun would shine, because I hate the rain when I have to go out in it. We haven't had a sunshine-y day in while.

I could never, ever be a stay at home mom. That's what I've decided. Or one of those people who doesn't have a job and just sits around and sleeps and eats. I'm lonely! I really wish I would have asked my boss if I could have worked all day today but it's too late now. My bff is at work and so is my guy friend. And while I texted him to have a good day, he probably won't on account of the sprinkling rain all day. He works outside. And anyway, I can't text him and bother him. But I want someone to talk to!

I'm really looking forward to the errands I have to run, lol. My best friend is having a bad day, so I might swing by and give her a hug. I've got to take a present back and exchange it it, run by my work to talk to Jenn about tonight, and maybe go get some other Christmas stuff. But even so, I'm still lonely. I miss school! But then again, when I think about next semester... I DON'T.

I'm really praying for a Christmas bonus. That would be awesome. As Jeremy insists...awsome. Lol, he spells it wrong every time. I got one last year, but I had only been working there a few months. It's been a year and a half now- it's gotta be better than last year. Right? I know, I know there's the whole economic crisis. But if I can't get a raise, then i'm gonna need a Christmas bonus.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

I'm turning into Lori.

I'm going shopping and I just-
a) made a list of every place I have to go and what I have to get
b) packed a bag of wheat thins and a bottle of water so that I don't have to stop and get lunch
c) grabbed two walmart bags so I can clean out my car
d) decided to start a load of laundry before i go.

I don't know if that's funny or scary.


I'll admit it: I have fear of commitment. Seriously. Here's what happens: I start talking to a guy. I get all excited and whatnot. Then, it starts to look like it might be going somewhere, and I throw my hands in the air and start to slowly back away. Then, I turn around and run in the other direction. I'm scared. Of getting hurt, yes, but also of the unknown. And did I mention I'm afraid of getting hurt?

My mom used to tell this story all the time about me when I was little. I was about 5 and I had taken swimming lessons all summer, but I would never take my floaties off. Well, my family was going to Destin at the before school started and she finally convinced me to take off my floaties when we got there. The whole ride, all I did was ask, "You're gonna be there, right, Mom? You're gonna be right next to me? You're not gonna let me drown, right, Mom? You're not gonna let me?" Of course, she consoled me over and over, telling me that yes, she was going to be right next to me. But I was still scared.

Anyway, when we got to the pool, and I saw that water, I totally forgot that I didn't have any floaties on and I let go of my mom's hand and ran and jumped directly in the deep end. I got a little water up my nose, but I didn't get out of the pool the whole time. And I've been swimming ever since.

My mom liked to tell people that I suddenly got this fearless streak, but really I know I just forgot that I should have been worried. The thing is, my mom, who had not been worried the whole time, jumped right in after me, with her towel on and everything, because she didn't want me to get hurt.

This is kind of like that. I might as well jump in, because I'm going to get hurt regardless. That's what I've told my best friend everytime she throws her hands up and starts to back away- but it's hard to follow. And the point is, if when I do, I get hurt- I know I've got people to pick me back up. To cry with me. To tell me it's going to be okay. And to say they're proud of me, like my mom did, everytime she told that story.

So, do I know if anything is going to work out?
Am I getting my hopes up?
Am I going to get hurt?
Do I have an awesome group of people who will jump right in after me, in case I get hurt- and get me out if I do?

So, while it's scary, I'm going to just go for it. I will definitely still be worried and scared and a little bit neurotic and something psycho. But, I've been hurt before. And I came out of it okay.

So I'm jumping.

Monday, December 15, 2008

it's monday.

Only 10 days until Christmas! Yay. I get paid Tuesday ($10 of which will be dedicated to buying my boss a present. And I didn't get a choice. I mean really, what if I didn't want to buy her a present?) which means I'll finish shopping, probably using up my whole check lol. I totally understand now why adults get so stressed abotu Christmas. But I really am stoked about it and the youth retreat right after. The past two years, my best friend has accompanied me to Gatlinburg. It's a little sad that she won't be on my last retreat, which is to Gatlinburg, but I think it's going to be fun. That's something I never thought I'd miss- we've taken so many retreats and trips that I just always figured another one would be coming. But since I am not going on the summer trip, due to college and work and just really not knowing if I can- this is my last. And it's bittersweet.

I'm attempting to write some more copy for the opening, but I think writing that paper yesterday emptied all my good ideas out of my head. It's kind of just a Not appropriate. Ms. Apodaca's Christmas music that's on repeat is not helping the situation. She actually left to go to Books-A-Million and left it playing, like we wanted to hear it. I've been typing and reading and so on and I just looked up and realized the office is totally empty- no Gracie or Mrs. Camichael or said Apodaca or anyone else. I have no clue where they went lol. I also noticed that my haystacks Cal made me are all gone. Where did they go ?! (I think I ate them all. Whoops..)

Then they came back and I discovered Grace is singing "Buffalo Gals" and said Apodaca was reading a Brides magazine. Lord, help me! Mrs. Camichael is calling her wedding a show and saying if we're all invited, we have to go to see. I quote, "What's there to be scared of? We'll just sit on the back row and laugh."

And I laughed.

I should get back to my copy. I should make it good. Wish I knew how.

Sunday, December 14, 2008


Wow. Last weekend's good things have been replaced with this weekend's bad things. I'm ready for a fresh start tomorrow.

The best news I can report is that I finished my paper. Can I get a hallelujah and an amen and hip, hip, hooray? I'm not feeling very good about it, but regardless, it's FINISHED! It's a total relief, but it was really stressing me out, and I snapped more than a few times this weekend. Not to mention that worked from 8:30at. and that I had to vaccuum that morning. I was already kind of know? Christmas is another stress, but another good thing is that I get paid Tuesday, and Wednesday, I have GOT to finish shopping. I've been so looking forward to Christmas, but everytime I thought about it, I'd think, "Before Christmas is here, I have to write that paper." Well, now it's done, and I am soooooo relieved.

But, on the other hand, I'm mad at my sister and I guess my bff is still mad at me. I'm mad at my sister because she ditched me- we were supposed to do this holiday thing Saturday night and I got off work early to do it, rushed home, all excited because I was so stressed and this would take my mind off of it- and she canceled. About ten minutes before I reached her house. I was so angry. I yelled at her. Loudly.

I spent the night at home, since it was really too late to find something else to do. It was fun, but I was still pissed. And then I got pretty angry at my best friend, because she feels the need to drop in these comments about me. Sometimes, it's fine, and other times, it's kind of like, "Was that necessary?" I don't ever really say anything about it, but Saturday night was not the night to start in with that and she was being all weird about freaking out about our double date, and acting like I needed her to go on a date with me. I've been on several dates- none with her. I can handle it. Really. But her acting like I couldn't was making me start to question myself and then start freaking out and I was already stressed out and pissed off, and all of those things are a bad conversation. This morning, when the conversation continued, I was regretting every saying anything about the whole comment situation. I should have let it go. And now she's not answering my texts, but there's nothing I can do about it. I really do feel what I said, but I should have kept it to myself.

And here I am, on Sunday night. I'm really wishes for this Friday or something. I'm ready for next semester- I'm ready to tackle that situation- and I'm ready to get away from some of the people I'm with now and make new friends.

But when I think of that, I think about how next semester is my last.

And that, my friends, gives me the heebie jeebies. All of this was running through my head tonight on the way home from church, where I'd gone for an inspirational something and all we did was play scattergories- and this is the
song I heard:

You would think only so much can go wrong
Calamity only strikes once
And you assume that this one has suffered her share
Life will be kinder from here

Sometimes the sun stays hidden for years
Sometimes the sky rains night after night
When will it clear
But our hope endures the worst of conditions
It's more than our optimism
Let the earth quake
Our hope is unchanged

Perspective, people. And hope.I've got a little bit of hope in my heart right now about second semester- and it's some text messages on my phone :)

Good luck for Monday!!

Friday, December 12, 2008

Things on my mind:

  • my conversation with someone last night
  • second semester and what i'm gonna do. if you have any suggestions, let me know.
  • my boots are too big. but i like them anyway.
  • i think this bracelet is tabitha's. oops.
  • wish my hair looked as good as it did yesterday. good thing my bff is coming third block and she can help.
  • i'm going christmas shopping tonight!! hopefully, I'll finish.
  • i think I'm gonna start on my paper tonight. I really don't want to wait until Sunday.
  • yay! mrs. c is back and we're not left here with crazy!
  • i hope i look cute. i need to, today.
  • i hope lori doesn't notice her boots are gone before I put them back.
  • i can't wait to see hailee's picture.
  • I can't wait for christmas!
  • the cookies aren't very good but me and grace don't have the balls to say so.
  • what's his face was sitting in the library, staring at me and giving me hateful looks. i don't care. what I said was true, you asshat. i dare you to touch my boob again.
  • what if this works out?!
  • God really does answer prayers. You just have to listen, believe, and do what He says. Really.
  • I really wanna go to BSC. They sent me a Christmas card!
  • I just ran an errand I shouldn't have run.
  • I have a party on Tuesday.
  • I have to work tomorrow :( but then I'm going to Christmas City with my sisters :)
  • I wasn't thinking that. Okay, I kind of was. But I stopped.
  • It aggravate me and makes me feel loved at the same time when my bff reads me mind. hears my thoughts.
  • i'm not getting any hopes up!
  • it's hard not to get your hopes up.
  • found my purple ring.
  • like being called, "that hot girl in the purple shirt." as long as it's not anyone i know calling me that. that's weird I know.
  • lasagna for lunch!!
  • wrote some of the opening!
  • must stop. this is going to be a long blog. i'm gong to lose my readers.
  • do i have any readers?
it doesn't say you're my girl. ughhhh don't read too much into anything!! and I'll talk all i want, thankyouverymuch! I may not even go, anyway.

My beloved, true, honest, loyal, gracious best friend...

no, no, no. when you read it, you'll understand. and yeah...i guess we did. Don't criticize!!

Nosy (but lovable and loved) girl,

I have the text messages. You can read them.

And I just don't want you to say anything to him yet. If he finds out by J, that's fine. Just keep it between us.

And I don't know where we're going. I had to stop talking and go to bed or I was not going to make it to school this morning.

I do know that he likes wavy hair and thinks so far that I'm his girl.

Things My best friend & I need to do before I leave for college (together):

  • go to the beach together (not on a youth retreat)
  • sneak into dooley's or off the wagon
  • drink a whole bottle of hershey syrup
  • enter an assless chaps contest
  • go on a double date !
  • skinny dip
  • get pink highlights (semi permanent)
  • get a tatoo or piercing (i maintain that mine will be henna)
  • try a buttery nipple
  • roll someone's house. not a teacher's.
  • give 3 random guys our number in one night
  • kiss Justin Blalock, Kyle Cannon, or Dierks Bentley

*subject to change, additions, or subtractions

p.s. me & jeremy are going on a date over christmas break =]

don't tell b.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Note to all mature people in the world:

when you're friends with someone, you're friends with them. You're not friends with them when it's easy or when you want to touch their boobs or when you want to carve your intials in a damn bridge. You're not not friends with them when your girlfriend is around or whatever. You're always friends.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Dear best friend,

For all those times you stood by me
For all the truth that you made me see

For all the joy you brought to my life
For all the wrong that you made right
For every dream you made come true
For all the love i found in you
I'll be forever thankful baby

You're the one who held me up
Never let me fall
You're the one who saw me through through it all

You were my strength when i was weak
You were my voice when i couldn't speak
You were my eyes when i couldn't see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when i couldn't reach
You gave me faith 'coz you believed
I'm everything i am
Because you loved me

You gave me wings and made me fly
You touched my hand i could touch the sky
I lost my faith, you gave it back to me
You said no star was out of reach
You stood by me and i stood tall
I had your love i had it all
I'm grateful for each day you gave me
Maybe i don't know that much
But i know this much is true
I was blessed because i was loved by you

You were my strength when i was weak
You were my voice when i couldn't speak
You were my eyes when i couldn't see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when i couldn't reach
You gave me faith 'coz you believed
I'm everything i am
Because you loved me

You were always there for me
The tender wind that carried me
A light in the dark shining your love into my life
You've been my inspiration
Through the lies you were the truth
My world is a better place because of you

You were my strength when i was weak
You were my voice when i couldn't speak
You were my eyes when i couldn't see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when i couldn't reach
You gave me faith 'coz you believed
I'm everything i am
Because you loved me

You were my strength when i was weak
You were my voice when i couldn't speak
You were my eyes when i couldn't see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when i couldn't reach
You gave me faith 'coz you believed
I'm everything i am
Because you loved me

I'm everything i am
Because you loved me

I thought you should know. Thanks.

Pissed? Blame a boy.

I have no clue how they do it. I don't even date anyone- in fact, I'm not even talking to someone, and still, boys are the majority of my problems right now. Wtf?

I've got this ollllllld friend that has decided to kind of like me, which sounds a little seventh graderish but really isn't when you're going through it, because we're talking 12 years of friendship down the drain if sometimes awkward happens, and I can pretty much guarantee the feleings are not mutual on my end. I saw his weewee when he was five. So I have to try to figure that out. The funny thing is, at first it really freaked me out, but now it's kind of a confidence boost. Which is sad and mean that I'm sucking my confidence from my friend like this. It's not intentional, though.

Then I've got this other guy who I was sort of talking to, off and on, kind of, sometimes we think we like each other, and other times he's a sarcastic cow. Really, though this is literally going nowhere, because the class in which most of our interaction takes place is ending in about a week and there's the end of that. But one of my supposedly good friends who has actually been trying to hook us up the whole time- who defnitely knows about my feelings or whatever for him-seems to have developed something for him which is totally against the friend rules!! You just don't go there.. And they have a class together next semester. Lovely!!

Then I've got loud, obnoxious, crazy boy who I sit with at lunch every day, with my bff & her bf, so everyone thinks we like each other because we're all coupling up, but really we don't. At one point, we did, but he messed that up. And anyway, he's got this girlfriend who has it out for me and I'm sure it's because she hears rumors about what goes on at lunch, but it's him. I swear. He touches me, pokes me, accidentally brushes my boob, and so on. And walks back with me from lunch. And he's so annoying and loud and obnoxious, but then, sometimes, he's really sweet, which is aggravating. He'll ask me what's wrong or pat my back when I lay my head down or listen to me tell a story, which is nice except HE HAS A GIRLFRIEND. I think he forgets or something. But I really am not going to be that girl. The other woman or whatever. Ew.

And then there's the eephant in the back of my mind that's always there. I don't have a class with him now, and I can truly say that right now I feel over it. But it's different when I see him. Or he talks to me. Or we text. I can feel it
all coming back. And that scares me, because in a few weeks, we'll have a class. And we've talked about studying together and sitting next to each other and crap like that. And how can I say yes when I know what's going to happen?
How can I say no?
Not to mention my best friend, my therapist, my confidante, the other half of me hates him with all her guts. That would go over really well. Not to mention his best friend is someone who I really, really, really don't like. Yeah. Not to mention I clearly decided that my best friend was not worth getting involved with him. Which is definitely the best choice. But, if I know all that- why do I feel my heart skip when he hugs me? Why?! Why can't I be over it once and for all? Why is he in my class next semester? God has a cruel sense of humor, I'll tell you that much.

And so here I sit, all of these stupid things with penises stressing me out, when I should be writing that god awful research paper. And all I can think about is them. And them turns to all I can think about is him. And what's going to happen. And I'm praying, praying, praying that I'm strong enough to not care.

buck up.

my best friend tells me all the time to stop whining and buck up. sometimes it's effective, and sometimes it's not. mostly, i think she means this:

Go ahead as you waste your days with thinking
When you fall everyone stands
Another day and you've had your fill of sinking
With the life held in your
Hands are shaking cold
These hands are meant to hold

Speak to me, when all you got to keep is strong
Move along, move along like I know you do
And even when your hope is gone
Move along, move along just to make it through
Move along Move along

So a day when you've lost yourself completely
Could be a night when your life ends
Such a heart that will lead you to deceiving
All the pain held in your
Hands are shaking cold
Your hands are mine to hold

Speak to me, when all you got to keep is strong
Move along, move along like I know you do
And even when your hope is gone
Move along, move along just to make it through
Move along (Go on, go on, go on, go on)
When everything is wrong we move along (Go on, go on, go on, go on)
When everything is wrong, we move along
Along, along, along
When all you got to keep is strong
Move along, move along like I know you do
And even when your hope is gone
Move along, move along just to make it through
[x3] (Move along) (Go on, go on, go on, go on)
Right back what is wrong
We move along

Cheese and rice.

Mrs. Apodaca,
Please shut up before I chunk this bottle of diet pepsi at your head. Your voice is giving my an earache.

Your editor in chief.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Forgetting about forgetting about it.

I decided that I might as well just forget about forgetting about it and go into it knowing exactly what is going to happen and how i'm going to feel and that nothing good is going to come from it.

Bascially, it's like those cookies Mrs. Carmichael makes. They taste sooooooooo good at the time that i eat waaaaaaay too many and then my stomach hurts for a long time afterwards. I miss lunch and then I eat too much dinner and my stomach hurts again and whatnot. It's a cycle. And that's what this is like.

Besides, I didn't choose him, and so, I can't have him. I don't know if I will want him or not. But I sure am scared with a capital s. Because I'm going to be thisclose to him everyday. And how is that gonna work? How am I not gonna stare and have no idea what's going on in that class and not be able to breathe when I'm in the same room with him? It's inevitable. It's painful and I can't keep it from happening. I'm basically setting myself up for heartache. Again.

Monday, December 8, 2008

Mondays Suck

You know why? Because you're all relaxed form Sunday movie night and the Saturday off and you're all hahah, i got to hang out with my friends and I'm Miss Independent and then you have to listen to some lady talk about logical fallacies in a research paper for an hour and a half and it sucks the happiness out of you, especially since it's all taking place at 8:00 A.M. Plus, I had a freaking cold shower AGAIN which, pardon the pun, rained on my parade, okay. Now my teacher wants me and bff to take pictures of her grandbaby, which is great except I wasn't prepared today, and now Bff is all, I don't want to, like I'm the only one who told her we would. I'm not! I know she was there. So now we have to go do this today, all unprepared, and she doesn't even want to, which makes me not want to.

And I have this research paper that I really, really need to write and i just don't have the motivation to get it done. and on account of the whole second semester thing, I NEED A BOYFRIEND. asap. just to take my mind off of the situation. because I really don't care. About the situation, that is. monday sucks. and the worst thing is that mondays aren't even the worst- tuesdays are. don't get me started on tuesdays and my tuesday philosophy though. I have one.

And I think I have a test in fourth block. Fourth block is at the very bottom of my think-about list. The people, ahem, person, that sits in front of me is even before you know, the actual schoolwork involved. So I always forget and I never study. Ugh. I hate Mondays! And Tuesdays. Wednesdays are okay, though.

And bff's dogs ate my haystacks!!!!! GRRRRR!!! I am so mad. I'm making more and hiding them from everyone.

Hey, BFF-

1. We're taking Anna's pictures today during third block.
2. I think we should cancel the Christmas party.
3. Where the heck have you been all my morning, I missssss you.
4. Text me & I'll come get you if you can get out.

Sunday, December 7, 2008

thank god it's...sunday?

It's Sunday afternoon:) I just FINALLY finished the most annoying paper assignment ever. Anyway, I had a great weekend. Friday night, I hung out with my best friend. Yup, we hung out. We didn't go out, we just sat home and watched tv and dyed hair and talked and whatnot. I couldn't remember the last time we just did that. It seems like after we both started driving and got jobs, we stopped with the, "hey, you wanna come over and hang out?" and started planning, planning, planning to do. I understand that when we grew up, everything changed, but it was nice to just hang out with my best friend. We even made haystacks, which I forgot at her house, which is a shame because she doesn't even like them and I was realllllly craving them.

Saturday morning we "slept in" until 8, and then hung around until we left to go to the 6A Alabama State Championship. Yup, and we were returning champs. After a strangly small amount of persuasion, Chris and Lori agreed, and I drove to Bham all by myself (well, with a friend) with no male guidance :) I even made it home okay, despite the weird guy stalkers who followed us and the creep Applebee's waiter. The whole way home I played "Miss Independent" because I was so proud of myself lol. I'm pretty pumped because if I go to BSC, it's a drive I'll have to make a lot, and now I know I can do it. Oh, plus we won the game, my last high school football game. It was bittersweet, but it ended on a good note.

Today, I reconnected with an ollllllllld friend and went out to lunch, with another olllllld friend, which, due to recent circumstances, was pretty awkward. Then I discovered my kudzoo had broken up with his gf, that my youth minster was back to her judgemental judging, and that my BFF wasn't answering her phone to discuss!! After writing that extensively stupid paper, I still am running all those situations through my head over and over (still no real perosn to talk to, due to BFF's nonanswering), but now I have to go to church lol. I'll pray about it.

p.s.: did i mention someone broke up with his gf? and that in a week second semester starts? and we have a class together? and that i'm scared to freaking DEATH?

just saying, friends. just saying.

Friday, December 5, 2008

Porn, People & Prayer

Geeeez.... I was just trying to find this blogger site I know I visited on my computer a few weeks ago, and so I was searching through the history. Try to remember that I'm not the only one who uses this computer at all...and I came across a few (like three) porn sites. Yup, ladies and gentlemen. I let out a shriek. Thank goodness no one was home because they'd have asked what was wrong and I don't wanna explain that one. I really hope it's someone's accidental discovery that they immediately clicked out of (like me) and not my brother (please, God, help me, if it is). Ew.

I guess that's what I get for not following my normal Friday routine which is: come home from school, read people magazine until Friday night plans are finalized. See, people, this is why I plan!! Gee whiz. So, now that I'm all freaked and grossed out and wondering if I should drop the bomb on Lori (I don't know about that), I'm gonna go check the mail and get the People and wait for my best friend to get off work so I can convince her to make haystacks, which I am seriously craving.

Also, we have some really good family friends- Brad &Barbara- who are going through an extremely difficult time right now- Brad just got rehospitalized for the fourth or fifth time and has an infection. He is undergoing his fourth surgery today, so, please, please keep him in your prayers. We've been asked to pray specifically for this surgery's success. If you're reading, please say a little prayer for that. And for me, because of porn!



Wow. First, I got a scholarship to BSC. It covered about half of the expenses, which was a problem. THEN, I get an email that might be one of those life-changing moments- when applying for financial aid, I can claim independent from my dad, because I haven't lived with him in five years.


PLUS, I'm off work today and tomorrow. And I've got plans :)

Did I mention I'm going to college?!?!?

Thursday, December 4, 2008


Last night, I was at church, and we were talking about how a kid died from playing the pass-out game. If you're unfamilar, it's depriving yourself of air until you pass out, usually resulting in a high when you come back. Teenagers, especially younger ones, having been doing it for years. Anyway, I admitted to my youth group that I have played this game-once-and then also admitted my regret and how stupid it was, and advised them (they are mostly composed of younger preteens) against it. My youth minister looked at me like I told her I had commited murder when I was 13 or something. Obviously, playing the game was stupid. I put myself at risk, and looking back, I have no clue why. Our lives are so fragile already- why put yourself at unnecessary harm? The fact is, we do it everyday. I'm not rebellious or dangerous by any means, but I have done my share of stupid things, like when I was 12 or 13 and my friends and I rode from one friend's house to mine- on a golf cart. Yeah. On a main 45 mph road, for at least three miles. AND BACK! (after I'd been advised against it. I mean, told NOT to do it!) What?! Looking back, I realize how easily a car could have come around a corner and we would have been gone. Although at the time, I had no idea why they were upset about it (and why I got grounded for two weeks), now I really feel like I should take Chris and Lori out to dinner for putting them through that. I snuck out of my friend's apartment one time to play truth or dare by the highway, in my pajamas, at midnight. Really smart. I've put myself in a rather compromisable state around guys, where I could have been taken advantage of. And that was pretty recently. I've mixed medecine and alchol. Pretty recently. My point is that although I am by no means a seasoned, wise person, I've made tons of stupid mistakes and I've learned from them. I should be able to share them- and what I've learned- with those younger than me without judgement from older people. Although I have made a lot of mistakes, there have been just as many times- if not more- when I said no to a party, a drink, a guy, and I knew that I had made the right choice. But that doesn't always happen. We make mistakes, stupid, stupid mistakes, and we learn. And although I still make mistakes all the time- stupid ones, albeit- I only played the pass out game once. You live. You learn.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Christmas Lists =]

I just bought a Christmas present for my best friend that takes ahuge load off my shoulders-i just really hope it gets here on time. now, somebody buy me this cute thing (size small or medium): Because I keep telling my sister I want it from her, but she already bought my gift!

Next up, my sister/mom/what the heck she is's calendar. She'll love that. After that, I'm pretty much set, as far as knowing what I'm getting people. The ridiculous thing is that people keep getting added to my list. I was going to buy strictly for my best friend, as far as friends go and my immediate family, but then this friend asked me what I want, and that friend too, which means I have to buy for them. Geez. Somebody wanna hire me for extra work...?

Btw, Gracie wants an octopus necklace. Somebody get it for her so I can stop hearing about it!!


all my yearbook work is done right now. so i have free time. no baseball players to socialize with. so this is what me and my good friend gracie are doing...I made it big, but if you can't read, the text says, "Gracie's tushie" & "Gracie's sexy upper thigh." Although Gracie maintains it is her lower/mid thigh. Whatev, Gracie.

Note to the world:

I'm checking out of life today.

And you stupid people in my library who aren't even baseball players- shut up and get out! You don't even KNOW the people signing. Stop eating their food and go to freaking class. You're loud and annoying.

Just saying.

Monday, December 1, 2008

Random List of Things That:

Make Me Happy:

  • wrapping presents & putting them under the tree

  • knowing i got someone a gift they're gonna love

  • thinking I forgot something at home but realizing I didn't

  • yearbook proofs!

  • an "A" paper

  • when I've been away from my phone for awhile and I come back and there's text messages

  • Brenda's Brownies

  • This kid:


Stress, stress, stress, I'm stressed! I guess, looking on the bright side, the good thing is that there is no major source is stress, e.g. boyfriend (refer to last post as to why that won't be a source of stress), family, nothing major. It's just everything rolled into one big, demanding schedule. I just got through with Thanksgiving Break and it was one thing after another to do. When I stop and think about it, there are things I could really be doing except this. I could leave school and go pick up my check and have it deposited. I need to write my research paper. I need to research for my research paper. I need to get my oil changed, I need to finish the opening, I need to buy Christmas presents, I need to work to have money to buy Christmas presents, I need to get my eyebrows waxed. And so on. It doesn't sound all that demanding, does it? But it is. Part of the situation is that I'm a go person. I like to have plans, I like to be on my way to do something, I like to soak up every last piece of time with my friends and family. I'm a go person. I go crazy when I'm just sitting at the house, watching tv. It's not necessarily me that's under stress, like emotional stress, it's like my body is under the physical stress of going. In the past 6 months, I've lost 20 pounds, started sleeping 5-6 hours a night instead of the usual 8-10, and for whatever reason, I now have very light, short, but painful periods (maybe that's tmi, lol), all symptoms of "You have a busy life." But I love it. I love my go, go, go life. I love the chaos of having to be here, of squeezing in the Monday paper on Sunday night (I work best under pressure apparently or I wouldn't do that to myself EVERY TIME!)

I mean, there's other stuff that's stressful. My brother and my dad and their business is one thing right now, but I won't go into that. I just came into the yearbook office and saw all this stuff around me, and I was like, "Wow. How am I gonna do it all?" I was thinking yearbook, college, paper, work, Christmas. But I can, and I will, and I'm gonna get to it.

Sunday, November 30, 2008

My boyfriend.

I'm so sick of the question, "Do you have a boyfriend?" No. I don't. Which should be enough, but then inevitably, it comes: "Why?" Here's why.

First and foremost, I am seventeen years old. I am in high school! Now, I know that people will say, "well, I know some high school sweethearts..." Right. You know maybe one or two couples. But really, in the grand scheme of things, most people meet their spoouses in college or even later. And I know that some high school couples date for years- and I have seen the damage it can do to their lives. They get obsessed and lose their friends, time with their families, and the high school experience. Um, no thanks. There will be plenty of that when I'm, you know, MARRIED. I'm not saying that all high school couples are like this, but a lot are, and I'm not willing to do that.

Another thing is that I've always said that I won't date anyone until I meet someone I really want to date. Sounds simple, right? Not really. My problem is that I start talking to a guy, and halfway through, I'm like, "" And so I stop. Maybe it's fear of commitment, I don't know. And I want to know the person I'm going to date befopre I start dating them. I don't want to find out stuff I should have known before after. I want to know that a relationship has possibility of being long-term and mattering, not just a three-week fling. So far, I've only felt that way once, and it didn't work out, anyway.

I'm not going to date someone just to "have a boyfriend." I like to think that if I just wanted a boyfriend, I could probably get one, but the point of dating is to find someone you want to spend your life with (eventually), not to have someone to accompany you to parties or make out with. The what my girlfriends and male friends with benefits are for. Kidding. Kind of. Anyway, if every girl felt that way, I guarantee you that like 70% of high school relationships wouldn't exist anymore.

Basically, I'm still working on who the heck I am- I'm having fun and being a kid and not worrying about crap that I'm going to have to worry about for the rest of my life. And I'm getting ready to move away- what's the point in starting something that I'd have to say goodbye to? It's just not worth it to me right now. I know that one day I'll meet the guy that takes my breath away and laughs at my jokes about kleenex, and feels exactly the same way about me that I do about him. I know that God has that someone waiting for me. It will probably take me a few mishaps to get there, but whether it's going to be in 5 years or 20, I'm waiting, and I'm not settling. Duh. I don't settle.

Thursday, November 27, 2008

People, let me tell you 'bout my best friends...

Happy Thanksgiving! In about twenty minutes, I'll leave to go to my grandmother's where one (weird) half of my family is gathered, and I'll be very, very thankful for (most of) them. Then, I'll come back to my house where the other (sometimes just as weird) half of my family will eat and laugh together. Ah, joy. I'm thankful- very thankful- for my family. Most of them.

But what I'm most thankful for today, this Thanksgiving, is my friends, and I didn't wake up thinking that way.Actually, a text message woke me up. Followed by a phone call from my best friend, interrupted by another text message, all wishing me Happy Thanksgiving. That was before 9 o'clock, too. By 10:30, I'd gotten at least ten texts and two phone calls, simply wishing me a Happy Thanksgiving and saying, "hey, thanks for being my friend." Talk about feeling loved! As for my family, we kind of mumbled Happy Thanksgiving as we poured our coffee, and I certainly didn't receive any phone calls from them- not even my dad, who doesn't even know I'll see him at my grandma's, since I unexpectantly decided last night to go. Thanks, Dad!

I guess it just made me realize that I am surrounded by a GREAT group of people, including my incredible best friend and several close friends that mean the world to me. And, some of my family is included in that statement :) And I guess it shows that friends really are the family you choose for yourself.

Sunday, November 23, 2008


I heard this song on the radio tonight. Watching the video is pretty hardbreaking, too. Don't you just wanna say...bless her heart? I love the part that says, "we sell the beauty but destroy the girl." I doubt that Britney Spears is the only one who goes through this; in fact, I bet we know more than one girl who feels this way that we actually know. She's the girl in the backseat of the truck with the guy whose name she doesn't know. The one who started the rumor about you because she's insecure about herself. She sits at your lunch table. Think about it after you watch Britney's video.

Saturday, November 22, 2008


I can't make her hate him. I guess I don't, because he gave her what she needed, which was closure for her and the baby. But when I was talking to my best friend about first-love-who-did-bad-things with whom she's recently had contact with, I started thinking about unconditional love again. Is it? Well, she won't tell me, and I know it's none of my business until she does, and anyway that's not really what I'm concerned with. I called him kudzu, because it seems like we can't get rid of him... I think he's gone and somehow he creeps back into her life. I'm scared he'll hurt her, because I'm scared her heart will always be vulnerable to him. I guess that's my unconditional love point.

Anyway, i was thinking about my own case of kudzu, who I've run into recently. It's the same thing; I think he's gone, and I turn around and he is there. Literally, actually. Right behind me on the bleachers. Tonight, after I left my best friend's house and her major case of denial to me, I took a drive through an old very familar neighborhood, and I noticed his light was on. For a minute, I looked down that path I've been on time and time again, and I forced myself to back up, or actully, to keep moving forward. Because kudzu isn't pretty. It's annoying. And it serves no good purpose. And I'm looking for a rose bush, dang it- even though it'll have thorns, it will be beautiful anyway. But...can we ever get away from those ghosts? Will we always be these weak little in-love girls when it comes to these guys? or will we kill the kudzu? I'm hoping fo the latter, but he found his way into my pre-cal class next semester and what's-his-face texted her, so...i don't know.

Friday, November 21, 2008


i'm so mad. thinking about it, it's stupid and I know that, but I'm mad anyway. can't we just grow up?!

I wish my best friend were awake, even though she's gonna tell me it's stupid.

because i'm mad.


my mood is diminishing and backsliding and going down, down, down. and i know why, and it's sad.

The Little Things

The little things matter to me. A lot. When my best friend gets me a card, I save it and read it when I feel upset or whatever. When my sister-in-law/mom/caregiver/guardian does anything motherly, I remember it. Last night, I went to Wal-Mart and she called me and asked me to please park close and call her when I got in the store, in light of some violence there recently. I laughed it off and said okay, but it meant a lot that she cared. Because it's something a mom would say to her kid.

I don't get that a lot. This is not a please-feel-sorry-for-me post or story, but it's a fact. I don't live with my parents, I live with my brother and sister-in-law. My dad, who lives approximately seven minutes away, talks to me, on average, about twice a month, usually to ask me to take my little sister home after church. My mom's dead. So the stuff a lot of people take for granted- the mom stuff that they get- I don't. It's little things, but I remember it.

For the most part, I am full of acceptance for my situation, and I realize I am very, very lucky for having them to take me in when I was faced with living a very different life than the one they gave me. I miss my mom fiercely, but I accept she is gone. I miss my dad, too, but I accept that he's who he is and is not gonna change. For the most part. But lately, I've been having these milestones- turning 16, senior pictures, senior year, and it's getting bittersweet. Some times when I call L to tell her something, a little part of me wishes I could call my mom and hear what she would have to say about it. I just want to hear that she would be proud of me, the way L is when my niece or nephew do something. I get it. I'm not their kid. I get it! But seeing it is so hard. Watching them get what I wish I had is so hard. Because it's right there, all the time. So when I get a piece of it, a glimpse of what it would have felt like- I remember it.

Even though some of me just wants that feeling, a lot of it is that I want her. I don't want a mom, I want my mom. I want her to roll her eyes and tell me I am just like her. I want to be like her. Christmas is coming, and I'm really excited. I love Christmas! But that morning, I'll be slightly off ease. For a minute, I'll remember that although I've spent the last four Christmases with them, I'm really not a part of that perfect picture family. It's them and it's me, and mostly I can't tell the difference, but there are flashes where I feel it. And so when we walk into the living room, I'll smile and laugh and mostly be totally into exactly what we're doing. But then I'll remember, for a second, who's missing. And it will hurt. It will be bittersweet. But L will tell me to hurry and get by the fireplace for the picture, a little thing. But I'll remember.

Thursday, November 20, 2008


As if I didn't already feel bad enough about it, I got my ACT scores in the mail today. As if I needed it in print after seeing it on the Internet! Yeah, after somewhat recovering, I had to open the envelope and see the whole thing all over again. It's not really the score, even though I was hoping for better, it's that I didn't improve. My sister will say that it's because my math went down, and I haven't taken math in a year, and wow! look at that English, but really, I'm disappointed in myself.

I should have gotten better.

And now, it's not good enough for college.

Unconditional Love

Watching Eliot's video and reading his blog yesterday got me thinking about unconditional love. Matt and Ginny certainly showed it. To them, Eliot was perfect. In fact, Ginny talks about how she loved his partial ear, his webbed feet, his feeding tubes. To the world, those were imperfections, but not to Matt and Ginny. They were just part of who Eliot was- and they loved Eliot for exactly who he was. Unconditionally.

So anyway, it got me thinking about what unconditional love is. And how it's in my life. I can say with certainty that I feel it. For my mother, firstly. She did some things that I can't even tell my best friend, things that my family has never even discussed, but they don't matter too much. They disappoint me, but I love her so much anyway. It got me thinking about one of my sisters, one with whom I was very, very close. She betrayed me time and time again. And I would be angry. But then, she would say she was sorry. And because I love her so, so much, I would forgive. That's a big part of this unconditionally thing. And then, inevitably, she would hurt me again. I'm hurt now, because of her, but I still miss her tremendously. And if she came to me, and asked me to forgive her, I would. Because I will always love her that much.

I also thought about when this love isn't. I like to think my mother and my sister have the same love for me that I have for them, but I can't be sure right now. My father is a different story. Through his actions, he's plainly shown me that his love has conditions- e.g., love the person I love and I will love you. If you can't, I'm sorry. I can't love you as much. I have some friends that recently broke up after several years of dating. If you would have asked them, they would have said that their love was unconditional. No matter what, they were going to love each other. Maybe they still love each other, but there were conditions that caused the love to quit a little- a lot probably- and so now, they don't date. I'm not saying they didn't love each other, but unconditionally means, when it's bad- when something happens that disappoints the hell out of you, that makes your heart hurt- you're there anyway. I don't think one chooses to unconditionally love, because sometimes I wish I could hate my mother for messing up my life for so long, and because I'll never be the same because of it. But I can't, not even a little.

I was thinking about all of this late, and I was interrupted by my best friend, who texted me. It was late, but I got up and talked anyway. This guy, who she had loved for a very long time, and who had hurt her so very much, wanted to talk to her about something she went through, where she needed him. And he wasn't there. The love that is in me for her roared- how dare he? I swore to her, and I'll swear again, that if he makes one move to hurt her again, I will punch him, or find somebody that will, because I love her unconditionally. I love her even when she calls when I'm sleeping, or when we're fighting, or when she needs me to do a favor, and I would do anything for her. There aren't conditions to that. It's not, "I love you between 8 a.m. and 9 p.m. because I've got to get to sleep." It's love that I can't help.

She wasn't nearly as angry at him for talking to her as I was. (If I told you what he'd did to her, you'd want to punch him, too). Once, when she was still madly in love with him, even after he did this bad thing, she told me, "I can't be mad at him like you can. I can't yell at him like that." Why couldn't she? Because she loved him- unconditionally. He was a jerk, in every sense of the word, but she couldn't make herself unlove him- until he did something to someone she loved more. Did she talk to him last night because she loved him? I don't know. She'll read this, I'm sure, and roll her eyes, but maybe there's something there. After all, he was her first love. I know she'd never get back together with him or anything, but they had a really strong bond. But after we hung up, I texted her and reminded her that I was here. I was wherever she was, or wherever she needed me because I love her. She knew that already though.

The thing is, as much love as I have for these people, I get it in return from so many. Even when I don't recognize it. And it's unconditional. It's the "okay, you messed up, but here I am anyway, even though I'm mad" kind of love. It's the even though I'm incredibly hurt kind of love. And like Matt and Ginny did- I'm gonna celebrate it.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Fitting In

I hate when people say that they don't fit in and then just succumb to that. They become outcasts- that's right, become- because they think they have to. You don't have to, and you don't necessarily have to change a whole lot to "fit in," either. You're not born an outcast. You just have to realize that although it may be wrong, if you make yourself weirder, people are going to see you as, well, weird. Do people want to hang out with a weird person? No. That's the facts. So you don't have any friends, and you whine about how you don't fit in and nobody likes you, but sorry- it's your fault.

Everybody sheds such bad light on "fitting in" like it's the worst thing, but secretly, everyone wants to do it. It's like plastic surgery. You say you don't care about it and would never do it (and your perky boobs are simply because you were born that way), but you secretly envy those who have botox, don't you? Everyone wants to fit in; it's human nature. So stop acting like it's a bad thing to want to be accepted. It's not.

I want to fit in. But the thing is, I don't want to fit in just anywhere. And I don't want to fit into a cookie cutter mold of who I should be. I want to fit in exactly where I belong, where my edges are a little jagged and crooked and quirky, because I am. I have a ridiculously odd laugh, and sometimes I talk way too much and too loud and say all the wrong things. Sometimes Dolly Parton calls my forehead and asks for her boob back, and sometimes my hair is not totally straight or not totally curly and it really doesn't know what's going on. The thing is, my friends love me the way I am- sometimes they tell me to shut up because I'm annoying, and sometimes my best friend tells me to put my hair into a ponytail or actually that she got Dolly's message. But I found my group where I fit in. If you're willing to look, to put yourself out there, to be normal enough at first, because human nature looks for that, then everyone can find theirs.

And to those of you who say you can't- you're wrong. And you're settling.

99 Balloons

Here's Eilot's video.

I watched it twice.


I just read another blog, one more significant and much more updated and attended to than this one.
It was a blog about Eliot Mooney's life, a little boy with Trisomy 18 who lived for 99 days. Although he didn't even make it to the three-digit mark, he impacted the lives of his parents, as well as many, many, many other people. He impacted me, as did Ginny and Matt, with their reliance on Christ throughout the life-and death- of their son. Read about Eliot through his parents' amazing words at Eliot- 99 Balloons.

If you're wondering how the college search is going, it's, um...not. I sent in my applications to my three top choices: Vanderbilt University, Birmingham-Southern College, and The University of Alabama (in that order). Fingers are crossed and I am pleading with God that my 30 ACT (I'm 2 for 2 with a 30 both times) and my 4.0 (may increase thanks to dual enrollment!) GPA are enough to get somebody to give me some money to go. Otherwise, I'm SOL.

Other news is simply that this is November, and I've only got until May to be a kid. Only until May with my best friend, my parents, my yearbook (kidding. it's everyone's yearbook). So the days are ticking until I start the next chapter.

Sunday, October 26, 2008

nobody said this was gonna be easy.

Mostly when I think about how hard life has been these past couple months, I just tell myself, "this, too, shall pass." But these days, it's not an it causing the trouble- it's just life. I'm not saying life's been hard as in, I've been "going through" things- you know, a death, a break up, etc. Been there, understand that kind of hard. This isn't it. This is, life is tiring, dang it. And I think I figured it out. What's happening is that I'm growing up. I'm dealing with real adult responsiblities and thus, the realization that it's not going o get any easier. It's not gong to pass.

I'm dealing with a job and a boss, and the stress that comes with both of those. Do I have a bad job or a bad boss? No. It probably isn't even all that stressful in the grand scheme of things; in fact, I know it isn't, since I don't have a family to support. But, it's still stressful to me.

I'm dealing with college. Man, the big C. Never before has so much emphasis been put on decisions- these will affect And so, all I can think about is what if I make the wrong choice? But if I choose one thing that leads to a sufficient life, but had I chosen the other, spectacular doors would have been opened- I just made the wrong choice? What if, despite my intense listening and begging and pleading for Him to tell me, I don't hear what God's telling me to do, and I pick the wrong thing? What if I move away and discover I do not want to be away at all, what I really want to do is stay in the familar? What if I'm not good enough out there to make all these things I've hoped for happen? What then?

Not only that, but every time I mention the fact that Im leaving to someone close to me, they act as if I'm leaving them. There is such a difference; if I could, I would take my best friend, my sister, my guardians. I would in a heartbeat. But they wouldn't want to go with me to chase my dreams when their dreams are here- that would be as fair as me staying here to fulfill their dreams when my dreams are elsewhere. So why do I feel so guilty? Why do they assume that just because I'm leaving, it has to do with them? Leaving will probably be one of the hardest things I'll ever do, and I dread it. But at the same time, I have to, to avoid a life of settling. I know I can't do what I want to do here- I know for a fact. So while it will be so, so incredibly difficult to say goodbye after 4 years of friensdship, 6 years of guardianship, and ultimately 18 years of being a part of this family, I have to do it. Their support would be nice. Besides, just because I'm leaving doesn't mean I won't be back. I'm not going to China. And even if I was- I'd make it back somehow.

I guess all of this is to say that life is not going to get easier, but instead, progressively harder. I'm growing up. Actually, I'd bet that I'm about 97% grown at this point, as far as certian growing goes, because the learning never stops. No one is ever 100% educated on life. But maybe, before I really become an adult, I should take a class on it. Because life is hard! I guess nobody said it was going to be easy.

Friday, October 24, 2008

I'm the boss

Sometimes you have no choice- you have to make it aware that, hey, I'm better than you right now- that's why I'm editor/ boss/ got the promotion/ etc. So even though we're on the same level- we're not. I take my responsiblities seriously and for the good of the project, I have to sometimes say, "That's wrong. This is how you do it." When I tell you this and you ignore it, you are challenging my authority. Do I want to say something just because I want to be in charge? No. I have to do my job, and I'm going to.

So deal with it. Suck it up, and do what I tell you. One day, when you're the boss, you'll have to, well, boss someone around. That's how it goes. I'm not gonna feel bad for doing what I need to do to be successful because in the end, this is a reflection of me.

And I'm not a slacker. Thus, you aren'tgoing to be either.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

the first :)

Ha, I'm just trying this out. How great would it be to post my thoughts somewhat anonymously?

I think it is.