Friday, January 30, 2009


Hmmmmmmmmmm. That's what I say when I'm thinking. I'm thinking. This week has been emotionaly overload (not helped by the fact that it was a pms week, emotional overload in itself...)

Just read two things that made me think (the best things to read): my bff's blog, and Tuesdays With Morrie (I read the whole thing in 2 hours. It's that good.) My bff said in her blog that relationships were the hardest part of her life. She just meant relationships in general, not you know, male-female/sexual/etc. Just in general. Morrie said pretty much the same thing. And I thought, Isn't that the point? Isn't that how it's supposed to be?

You see, our lives are built around relationships. Family, friends, significant others. Enemies, acquaintances, strangers. We're told that the whole point of this life is a relationship with Christ. I believe that. It stands to reason that since we're supposed to be like Christ, and a relationship with him is the most important thing, that our other relationships should be the most important things in our lives, and modeled after ours with Him, to a certain degree (I'm not advocating worshipping anything else.) Hear me out.

How many scriptures, Christian songs, pastors and preachers, sunday school teachers and the like proclaim that God will never leave you? That He will be there when you call? That if you seek Him, you will find Him? It's true. I can say that because I have experienced in my own life, on the days when I am celebrating and smiling and happy, and the nights that I am huddling under my blanket, crying silently because I don't let others see me cry. He's always there. On my proposal that our relationships should be modeled after that one... doesn't it seem that we should be there, too, for those we love? And vice versa, of course. I have two examples to share.

The first example I present is my father. My mother, too. You see, the other day I got a full scholarship to a great university that I'll be accepting next week (!). I was over the moon, in every sense of the word. I was celebrating. Lori celebrated. Chris was definitely celebrating, because that's his favorite college team. I called my best friend and my sisters. We were all happy. Why, then, wasn't my father? If he was, he didn't share. He didn't call. My sm did, though... someone who I've never had a normal relationship with. It's always been strained and contorted. But she called, wanting to throw me a party. She wanted to throw me a party! And my father was nowhere in sight. Today, though, I spoke to her about my new phone. Since my phone is on her and my father's account, I couldn't get quoted for a new one without them calling. So I asked her to call. A few minutes later, she called back and told me the phone had been ordered. You may think, that's great! I was furious.

The other day my bff was mad at her boyfriend. She gave him the cheek. She was heated. He sent flowers to her work, and just like that, everything was okay. I told her I was glad they had made up, but that flowers didn't make everything okay. Not for me anyway. At the end of the day, flowers are just flowers. They don't mean anyone really felt anything. I was going to buy the phone myself. I have money saved. I just needed a quote. I was not fishing for a present. I just needed a quote. And he bought it. He bought me flowers, if you will. A bunch. But that doesnt work, not with me. You can't buy love, or forgiveness. You earn it. I'd probably give it, if he asked. He hasn't. A phone does not make up for the months of ignorance and silence and the repeated mistakes. It does nothing for how he makes me feel. He comes, and he goes. He's my father when I win scholarships, but not when on the Tuesday nights when I'm stressing out about college... you know? I'm not a flower girl. Relationships aren't about leaving. They're about being there. That's what He teaches us. Maybe that's why, on the night that I got my scholarship, I cried again. I was happy- extremely. But I was sad, too. Because although it's been almost seven years, I miss my mother fiercly. I wanted to tell her, to see her celebrate and to see her pride. See, my mom made mistakes. But she never left me, until she died. And even then- even now- she's there. She made an impact on me. That's what we all want, right? To change the world? Maybe she didn't change the world, but she changed mine. That's evident everytime I tear up or my hearts pulls because I want to tell her something. That's how a successful relationship ends- with something different than before. Something good.

On the other hand, there are people I have who don't leave. I know this. I realize I am one of the lucky people who know what it's like to be loved. Here's my other example. The other night, I was upset. My father is getting to me. I don't know why. It's never hurt like this before. I felt... unloved. Like, if my own father can't love me and be proud of me and want me and need me... who can? I needed someone to remind me that they did all those things. But it wasn't very convienent. It was nine o'clock on a school night. I was teary, it was cold. Half-joking, I told my bff I needed her. Not joking at all, she said she was on her way. I shook me head and said I didn't really need her. It was late, right? I thought I was successful and that she believed me. But then she was here. She hugged me. She told me it was okay. She said she loved me. She held me while I tried not to cry and then did anyway. She didn't need a lot of words.

She only drove 5 minutes. It's not like she flew across an ocean... right? If she had flown across an ocean, I don't think it would have meant more than it did. It meant the world to me. She could have nought me a house, put in a swimming pool, and invited Dierks Bentley over and it wouldn't have held the same value that that twenty minutes in my driveway did that night.

See, it's the being there that counts. It's the loving other people as much as you lvoe yourself. Can you love everyone that way? Obviously not. You can treat people with respect, but there are certain people you love. That's how you build relationships. That's how you maintain them. My father's $500 phone is a paltry offering compared to visit my best friend gave. And he doesn't get it. That's why it hurts so much. I just want him there, but he's not. He never really has been, but without my mother, I needed him. What I got was Chris and Lori, who are there. And I'm lucky, and grateful.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

i don't get it. i don't understand

firstly, i don't understand what i did. i mean, why he sees me as the embarrassment. why he won't talk to me. why he won't even try. maybe if he tried... but he doesn't. he ignores me. he's the only parent i have left and he doesn't even care. he perfectly content with his other children.

secondly, i don't understand why i care. i mean, it's like i went for awhile without caring at all... why now? why do i care now? i do, though. it's bothering me. because i just don't understand what I did.

I mean, I didn't go to jail. I didn't even get a B...

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

bad daaaay

today has pretty much been one of the worst tuesdays on record. let me put it in a list for ya.
  • i forgot my jacket in the car. i wanted to go to the car to get it. i had to take pictures (of other people, mostly) and so i froze in second block. where my really cute outfit got made fun of :(
  • i brought a healthy lunch but then i ate fries instead. probably because i'm about to start my period.
  • i'm about to start my period. enough said.
  • my family is freaking out because they think i'm dying. i'm not. i do feel like something is going on, though, with my arm & disease & whatnot, but nothing to cause alarm. and they panic... ugh.
  • i have to go to the dr. because of rpevious bullet. the uh-oh-something-must-really-be-wrong-with-you kind of dr. in bham. several of them actually. and i just don't want to. i hate the doctor, i hate the medicine, i hate the whole dang more medicine, pleeeeeease! it makes me feel like crap. total crap. and it doesn't help my arm. anyway, so there was a big dr. thing today. sister, lori, & stepmother freaking about the dr. then my sm proceeded to call and tell that she and my dad would take me to the neurologist. ummm.... what? yeah, no. if ANYONE takes me if will be lori, because i don't know, she TALKS to me- which can't be said for my father. I haven't gotten a phone call in the last six months that lasted more than a minute and a half and didn't involve me taking my sister somewhere. which i've come to get over and not mind. she said that he "wants to be involved." Really? well, he should start with talking to me or awknowledging me in public. he acts like i'm some sort of embarrassment or something. i don't get it. so, no, neither of you will take me anywhere so that you can feel better about ignoring me. no. besides, i can take myself. i hate when they fuss over it.
  • also, my whole phone situation si messed up. it has to go through my dad (who i don't talk to...) and so UGH. ugh. dealt with that today.
  • i go to work and everything, everything that can go wrong does. i met the rudest customer i have EVER encountered, in two years of working in retail. it was insane. which would have been enough to turn the whole experience bad, but, trust me, seeeeeeveral other things went badly as well. i didn't leave until 6:15.
  • i go to bff's work to get my bangs cut (that went well.) and it's all fine. i come home. i get on the laptop. and then she calls, freaking out. so i put on my supportive best friend. and i supported. and i vented to her, too. but i don't think either of us felt better. at least we know how each other feels...
  • and now i have precal homework and i won't do it. i decided. i can do it later. not tonight. no, not tonight. i will study for anatomy. and then i will go to bed. every night i aim for 10...10:30... heck, 11. but I inevitably get in bed around 11:30 or 12, after doing everything i have to do. because tonight I NEED my devotion, even if i'm extra tired. it's probably my own fault for taking an hour or two to veg out before i start everything when i get home, but i need that time, dang it. I've been going


excuse me while i go take care of all my business.

p.s.- i swear i'm not really this negative in real life. but this is my venting, besides my bff, and i can't fully do that when she's sad too. so the "bad day" posts are many, but that's because you're who i tell. whoever you might be.

Sunday, January 25, 2009


otherwise known as the weekend. i left school friday all optimistic about the next few days.

in my opinion, optimism is retarded. all it really is set you up for disappointment. with pessimism, on the other hand, you can only go up. that's why i'm pessimistic.

here's what happened:
friday afternoon, i... went home. but see, me and callie were gonna go to my sister's, but she bailed on us, so we planned to go out to dinner & watch a movie (that she bootlegged, what whatev). well, then my bro lets us in on the steak dinner he was cooking, which was free & yummy but it meant that i didn't even LEAVE THE HOUSE. i'm a social person. we watched a movie and she had to be home...she took the movie out, i swear, like 3 minutes before the end. who does that?! i decided that i don't really like watching movies. because the nights that we hang out on the weekend are, besides the occasional weeknight endeavor, the only time we really get together since we don't have a class together anymore, and 3 hours of sitting beside each other is not hanging out. it's... sitting beside each other.

well, saturday morning i woke up all, man-it's-saturday-morning-and-it's-raining-and-i-have-to-work-all-day. it went downhill. work was stinky, just cause it was work and my fav coworker was off but my least fav was alive and ready to boss me around. yay. well, it was okay though, b/c i was looking forward to the plans i had that night with my friends that i haven't hung out with in awhile. i got a text message around 3 that my friends decided that they wanted to put it off until next weekend... well, if we'd planned it friday that would have been understandable but we planned it a week and a half ago. seriously! they couldn't have decided at some point in that time that they didn't want to instead of saturday at 3? I SWEAR i have a sign on my forehead that says, "please ditch me, i don't mind." well, i DO. mind, that is. but I wasn't even all that mad about that. well, i was, but i got over it quickly. i decided i would buy some face wash and go home and sleep.

then- yes, there's a then- i get a phone call, from two of my sisters. two phone calls, actually, i wasn't clear. one from a sister whom i don't associate and one from one that i do. returned the latter- only to find that it was the first sister both times, switching phones (very mature. see why we don't associate?) well, she said that my other two sisters (i know, there's a lot) were coming to dinner (crap. i was fighting with laine, remember, for her bailing friday night) and she wanted to know if i thought it would be ok for her to come. um... no?!?!? but i couldn't say that. so i said call chris. by this point i'm freaking cause i don't want to see ANY of them, i just want to go home, ok! well, finally, they ALL bailed, which didn't make me happy like i thought it would... laine ditched me and cal for brenda firday and for courtney saturday. that doesn't make sense. so i bought two shirts (they were $5 each. but still, i felt guilty on account of the saving i'm supposed to be doing) and went home. i told my bff i felt better after the retail therapy, even though i didn't cause she would worry. which she must have anyway, because she called me later , ready to come get me if i needed her to. i did. but she was sick. so i told her she could go home and go to bed and i laid there and laid there and laid there. couldn't sleep. thinking about my family and how much we suck. cause we're not a family. we're just a bunch of people pretending.

sunday was almost a bust, but tab kept her plans. it was refreshing. we went to eat at zaxby's (finally- i tried to go there twice on saturday lol) and then took her puppy to petsmart. now i'm facing anatomy and precal quizzes, both of which i might fail. i've never before just wanted to pass a class, instead of make an A, like i do in precal. i'm willing to bet you'll hear a boatload of whining about it in the near future.

tomorrow's monday. i'm texting someone who has no clue. he has no clue. you have no clue, you ass! mondays suck, in general (the pessimism might get me somewhere). but i kind of might have enough money to buy my phone, soon. which is exciting news. but still far away.and i'm pumped for winterjam, yaaaaaay!

that's the condensed version of my life these days (you're think, geez, what's the extended version look like, aren't you? i'm detail-oriented, okay?). i'm about to make up my bed and study and sleep, in that order.

Friday, January 23, 2009

Thursday, January 22, 2009

I'm procrastinating.
in a big, bad way.
i need to learn my root words for anatomy.
really. so i'd rather post a blog about not wanting to and then doing it instead of just doing it. i'm gonna do it.
real soon.
just not right now.

heeeeeey, tomorrow's friday and i've got a great weekend planned. me and my bff are making cinnamon rolls. there is nothing better than a plan like that. for real. and saturday i'm gonna earn some money and hang out with some friends that i haven't had a chance to truly hang out with since before christmas. yaya!

btw, if i hear anything else about prom i'm gonna, you know....vomit. i have a feeling no one cares.

Monday, January 19, 2009

so as it hurts and hurts and i;m not sure how to make it stop, i lean on my Lord. And I say, "Your Beloved needs you now." There's a song that says, "I'm sure that all of Heaven has heard me cry by now." That's how I feel. That lately all I do is cry to Him and tell Him it hurts, He listens every time. He listens every time. He says, "I am holding you by your right hand. When pass through the fires, it will not scorch you." And I believe Him. I do.


well, I was looking at my last several posts and they're looking a little philosophical or something of that nature, which I'm really not aiming for. I just get those thoughts and hit "new post" and suddenly, they're out of my head and there to be read. Which rhymes and sounds philosophical in itself, lol.

Anyway, in the real world, stuff has been happening. In a word, I'm disappointed. Because even though stuff happens all the time- to me and to other people- when it happens, it always still hurts pretty much the same. So when my dad does the stupid things he does, i'm still just as disappointed as when I heard about it the first time. Probably more. Because you put your trust and your faith in someone, and suddenly, they let you down. Again. And so that's been bothering me. I don't understand why he can't just grow up. If you ask me, if you're ever going to grow up, 55 is a good age. But that's just me. Obviously, he disagrees. He embarrasses me. Maybe that's mean, but it's true. I feel embarrassed to tell people I'm his daughter. It shouldn't be that way.

But anyway, Friday I tried to forget about that, unsuccessfully. I went to my sister's but, surprise, she wanted to talk about my feelings about that situation. Vomit. Saturday, I worked all day long and tried to not think about anything again. It worked out okay. We went to cracker barrel and, my my bff- who are girls in every way possible- ordered enough food to feed three or four men lol. I did dye my hair darker. It makes my eyes look hauntingly dark when I do my makeup right. Then I came home and puked several times. I'm not sure if it was the medicine or the stress or a combination of both but it sucked.

Sunday morning, I spoke. Everyone couldn't believe I was going on stage- TWICE- to speak without a piece of paper in my hand. I can't explain it either. I just get up there are I start talking and I don't even realize what I'm saying, but I let God just work through me, and so it looks like I know what's going on and that I'm not nervous at all, but really, I suck at it, it's just that He doesn't. I looked out in the crowd and didn't see either of my closest friends and none of my family. Afterwards, my stepmother called me and told me how good of a job I was doing but my father looked at me and went in the other direction. But none of that could take away how it felt to say exactly what God wanted me to say, and to know I spoke boldly and that He smiled on me. I came home to an empty house because said family was at a family (not mine though) reunion. It was lonely. I read a book and myspaced and watched a movie about an unwed father. My head was just thinking and thinking. I took my meds again and probably because of that, I woke up with intense pain last night. I looked at the clock: 3:36 a.m. It was great. I threw up a little and sat on the toilet for awhile. Then I fell into this restless sleep and had a great dream :) Funny, huh? When I woke up, the kids were doing their own thing and I just laid and thought, and threw up, and thought some more. Yeah, I cried. I'm just so...disappointed. And stressed. But I can't comprehend why he did it again.

Then my bff texted to say she wanted to "run in, grab my clothes and be out in five minutes." Quote. Considering I invited her yesterday, to actually BE with me, I wasn't having it. I didn't want anyone here- I just wanted to do said routine above- but especially not for that. Maybe someone to lay with me. Later, she said she needed me, but idk. I think she was mostly mad that I wouldn't let her come over. I just wanted to be allowed to lay and think, and she;d tell me to get over it. Sometimes I need that. Today I did not. At all. Sometimes you need someone to cry WITH you, not tell you to get over it, that it will fine, that someone else somewhere has got it worse. Sometimes you don't need words. And if she came, she'd see that I was upset, and chances are, she'd give me words. So I said no and she got mad. Whatever. I don't feel bad for wanting to sulk all by myself. I mean, I wasn't involving anyone else. Everyone should be allowed to sulk about their misfortune for an hour every now and then, without criticism.

And here I sit, major headache, same stomach issues, trying to figure it out with her. I still having an anatomy quiz to study for and I need to go to sleep, really.

And tomorrow's Tuesday. YAY.


Sunday, January 18, 2009

I hate it when things make me think too much. I hate being so scared of the future, instead of embracing it. I hate my eternal fear of change. On the other hand, I hate the thought of being ordinary.

Even more than that, I hate that the pain you think is gone sneaks up on you, takes you by surprise. It's startling. Or when pain you've put behind you is resurfaced and there is absolutely nothing you can do about it.

The thing I hate the most is the thought that they will forget me. That they'll replace me. That these vows of togetherness will fade, and soon I'll be nothing more than the aunt that lived with them once or the high school best friend. That's the worst.

Saturday, January 17, 2009

sometimes i think i just change it around until i find something that somebody else loves enough to love me.

sometimes i think i just need some kind of change i can control myself.

most of the time, i OVERTHINK.
that's unfortunate.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

they wonder why i can't wait to leave.

they don't know I'm already gone.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

does no one realize

that it's my life and my choice?


but sometimes, i remember how it was. sometimes, all of the other ones flash through my mind and i wonder why they didn't stick. because, at the time, i thought they were the ones who would save me. and then, they couldn't. or wouldn't. i don't know. i know they didn't. i saved myself. or did i? these days i'm not so sure. it's not the same. except for certain moments. there are tiny flashes where i look back and it is exactly the same. oh, how our eyes can tell lies to our brains. and our hearts.

Monday, January 12, 2009

i'm gonna go ahead and say it

before i get started. i'm going to warn you, this may sound like whining. it's really not. well, maybe a little. but if you can't whine to your own computer...that's sad. anyway, it's more like venting.

i'm speaking sunday at church. sunday morning. in front of 200+ people. giving my testimony about xtreme. and i'm speaking boldly.

and chris and lori won't be there.

i get i'm not their kid. i get that they have a good reason not to be there. i get that this wasn't really planned until last minute. i get that they wish they could. which is why i didn't say a dang thing when she mentioned it.

but i remember hailee's musical. how lori was the mom who videotaped in the loft and made copies for the other moms. or the christmas eve ceremony, how she was the stage mom who put the angels' wings on and handed the shepherds their staffs.

i know i'm not their kid. but this is one of those times when that fact is like a slap in the face. and it stings. um, ouch. but it's not their fault they won't be there. and i think, that since i'm really confident about what i'm going to say- where i'm boldly going- that this is satan trying to get me down. and in the name of Jesus Christ, i'm telling satan to flee. because it won't work. i'm still going to speak with confidence. someone will tell them what i talked about.

excuse me while i study for my anatomy test and hit up the Bible before I pass out. it's been a long day, yo. but it was good. sorry i whined.

it's monday again.

i've decided that i don't like the weekends unless I've got something specifically planned. Because you know what... it gets me out of routine. I feel like an old woman sometimes. I like to know what is going to happen. When I was 12, my let's-fix-her-before-she-realizes-this-is-really-gonna-damage-her-for-life therapist that my dad got me told me that I am a control freak because so much stuff has happened that has disrupted my life that I couldn't control. That was when I was TWELVE. About a gajillion more things happened after that, none as significant as the clamity of my 11th year, but still. So if she's right, then that's why.

Or I could just be weird. But weekends totally throw me off I swear. Like my 4-hour sweaty nap on Sunday? That meant I didn't get to sleep until like 1 last night. Which means today I'm gonna basically pass out at work.

You know how you always want what you don't have? For the past few months, my work has been incredibly busy. Like really. I mean, we've had slow spurts, but for the most part, I don't stop running when I get there. But now, we're at that lull. It's the time of year where not much happens in our business. We finished inventory and now we just...sit. I mean, we do do things, but nothing like before. The thing is, when it was so busy, I'd long for the days when I would just sit at the counter and talk to my coworkers. Now, though, I long for that busyness that occupied me. Because unoccupied, my mind is a dangerous thing lol. My thoughts get away from me.

And I have to go to work today. What what I'll think about...? I know what you're thinking, but probably I'll think about the new episode of the secret life. I'm pumped. I also didn't bring lunch so I gotta go and buy it.


Saturday, January 10, 2009


Do you ever have those days/ nights (usually nights for me) that are just so...weird? Like totally out of routine and you're with people you're not used to being with and you're doing stuff that's jsut weird to do, and you just feel... weird? That maybe you don't belong in this life, even though it's yours? Maybe it's jsut me because I thrive on routine, and I don't go with the flow easily, but tonight was just one of those nights. Heck, today was one of those days, and I was at work the whole day, which I am a lot on Saturdays. but we weren't busy, and my boss wasn't there, and I just sat around and ate ice cream and texted and it was weird.

I don't like days like today.I feel like someone didn't clue me in or something. Ugh it freaks me out. I need to take a shower and go to sleep so I can get on with tomorrow and the monday which is secret life!!

Thursday, January 8, 2009

a tuesday-ish thursday.

Tonight I got pulled over for, ahem, speeding. Yeah, yeah, I know. I didn't get a ticket,just a warning. Well, I did have places to be. As I pull away, my kudzu calls. I HAD texted him- for good reason- but calling?! Pardon the pun, but that's uncalled for. I told him I'd text him later. I did and got my point across and ended it. After I hung up, though, "Come on get higher" came on- saying this:

I miss the sound of your voice
The loudest thing in my head
And I ache to remember
All the violent, sweet, perfect words that you said

Gee. thanks, 100.9! Right after it? "Addicted" by Saving Abel:

all the sounds you make with every breath
you take its not like anything
i'm so addicted to you
addicted to you

not to mention, i have more anatomy quizes all week on crazy weird stuff that I can't rmember. and after that class, I head to you know, that class. It's not as hard as I anticipated, though. It's actually easy. We are falling right back into that friendship that I missed so, so, so, so much. The first part. Before I loved him. Now, I can't say I won't love him again. I'm kind of scared to let myself be his friend. But it's easy. It was always easy, that friendship of ours. I have no clue what will happen from here. I do know I'm alienating my other friend. Nice guy, he is. Don't know if he's my guy though, and it has nothing to do with kudzu. I don't know. Maybe I'm just weird. In fact, I know I am. But we have instincts for a reason. Don't we?

I've decided what I want to be: unstoppable. A force of nature. Something to be reckoned with. Someone people want to be like. Someone worth looking up to. Someone's who's the opposite of scared, or as my best friend says, "cautious." I mean, there's nothing wrong with protecting yourself until you start letting yourself miss out on things you should experience. Everyone will experience hurt at some point, so you might as well go ahead and get used to it. And I mean, nothing wrong with protecting yourself until the hurt is really worth it. But I want to be someone who plows through the hurt. Without looking back. Unstoppable. That's what I want to be. That's who I wish I was.

I'm working on it. Starting with making an A in anatomy. So I gotta study!

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Maybe I'm the one who is a schizophremnic psycho.

i gotta study for anatomy. holla!

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

i'm exhausted.

Here was my day:
Up at six, after 4 hrs of sleep.
shower, blow dry, straighten, make up.
Best friend's at 7.
School at 7:30.
Listen to old chemistry teacher go on about anatomy. Introduce self to class.
Head to break. Talk to bff. Steal her LifeWater. Go to second block. Hypervenilate.
Third- fourth block. Edit a page, edit proofs. Write an opening copy. Discuss plans for picture taking. Joke with friends. Make friends laugh. Run to car.
Drive to house. Run in house. Pee. Brush hair. Run to car. Drive to work. Work, work, work. Run to back, run to kitchen, run to hallway. Check someone out. Change price of bulletin board. Do that 200 more times. Get off work. Run to car in the rain.

Get home. Dinner with family. Clean up of kitchen. Internet. Bath for nephew. Socialize with family. Text bff. Accidentally fall asleep.

Wake up. Now I have to:

Make lunch, shower, organize binder, do devotion.



that I was afraid of happening, happened.

It wasn't as bad as I thought. But as I was sitting there, joking with him, and talking to him, and wondering what heck he was wearing, and he joked on me, and we joked and laughed and etc- I was aware of what was happening. Trying to stop it. Trying to turn around and pay attention and forget that he had decided to take the desk beside me. Trying to remember the sweet boy who texted me this morning with a "Have a good day!" and the friend who was elsewhere praying this wouldn't happen.

Nothing has "happened" yet. But it's only a matter of time. It's one thing when you're oblivious to yourself sinking into bad things. After all, ignorance is bliss. It's totally different when you can feel it happening and can't stop it.

Better luck tomorrow.

Monday, January 5, 2009


I feel like I've been hit in the face like 6 times already this morning.

And due to that lovely CRAP that the dr.s insist I swallow, my body feels like it's been ran over by a truck. Twice.

And tomorrow we go back to school. Um, yay.

And I've got this boy and I'm scared to death he's lying to me.

And there's about a hundred other things on my mind right now that I cant even type.


Thursday, January 1, 2009

memories of this still remind me of you.

I just got home from Gatlinburg and while I do want to dedicate a post to what happened there to me spiritually and with my friends, right now my mind is occupied with something else...

Every year- for the past three years, anyway- my youth minister has taken my group to Gatlinburg. We stay in the same bed & breakfast-y motel, eat at the same restaurants, and go to the same places. She usually leads the devotions, but this year we went to the Xtreme Conference- which was awesome. The planner in me loves this. Every year, I know what to expect. I love that. And because I'd been to the conference before, I knew what to expect there, too. I was setting myself up for success when I left Sunday morning. Read my post right before this- I was so excited. That was Saturday night. Sunday morning, I was still excited, but the closer I got to church, the harder it got to hold back my tears and I wasn't exactly sure why I felt like crying. By the time we were loading up the luggage, it was impossible, and so I headed the every crying girl's refuge in a public place- the bathroom. My friend followed me, and I attributed my tears to the fact that this was possibly the last retreat I'd attend, after 5+ years of attending almost every one. And while that was a part of it, I think, that wasn't really it. Everything was the same. Except one thing: my best friend wasn't there.

Now, I promise, I'm quite independent. While I love my best friend being my accomplice and partner in crime, if necessary, I can and will do things on my own, and I have gone on many a retreat without her. Besides, I had plenty of friends who were going on this trip. That wasn't the issue. Had we been headed to some place- any place- other than where we were, I am almost positive I would have been fine. But we were going to the place that she had been with me several times. The place memories were made and things were discovered that changed her -and thus my- life forever. And I was going without her.

My tears quickly dried, especially after a pick-me-up text conversation with said best friend. But I couldn't shake the nagging feeling of sadness. As we rolled into the familar streets, the memories were so strong and present and overpowering that I almost cried again. Ask my best friend the last time I cried for such a stupid reason twice in one day. Doesn't happen often- ESPECIALLY not in front of people. But I couldn't help it. I walked down the sidewalk where we created the "I'll be your strength when you can't walk" tripping scene. I ate at the restaurant where we simultaneously began singing the same lyrics of the same song out of nowhere (that really did happen). I went to the same shops, and sites, and stores. But she wasn't there. Oh my gosh, how many times I turned to remember something and she wasn't there!

The worst part of the memories, though, I think, was remembering what happened there. That was the place- that was the hotel- that her life changed. That was where that awful part of her life began and that was where I started watching her. Our relationship changed, after. My views and outlooks changed because of it. After that trip, she slid. She was broken. She's okay now, and I know she's stronger and better and smarter for it. But because I love her, I wish I could have protected her from it. But I couldn't. I just had to watch and try my best to hold her when she needed it, back off when she needed it (something I suck at, sorry), and pick her up when she needed it. And now, even though I know the stronger, better, smarter thing, I try to protect her. I can't help it. When I know something's wrong, I keep my nervous, loving eyes on her because I want to try to stop whatever it may be. Even though I know I can't. And sometimes (maybe alot), that's annoying to her. Sorry, again.

But if she's reading, I'd like to say, that this trip without her taught me a lot about who we are. It taught me that when I leave, and I go days without her- I'll have my memories, and they'll keep us going until we can make new ones. It taught me that I know her better sometimes than I know myself and that she knows me better than I know myself, too. I realized that this is the sort of friendship that lasts years and years because it has already. I realized that a major part of who I am is being her best friend- everyone else knows it, too, because although it was annoying, several "this is where me and my best friend..."s slipped out. A lot more of them went through my head. I learned that things will happen to us, and that as we get busier and farther apart, we won't be able to immediately tell the other, but that's okay. The important stuff gets across. And I know that when I hang out with her this weekend, the little details of our time away from each other will be told thoroughly.

Right now, I'm not sure where she is, because I just got home a few hours ago. I'm gonna do some laundry and take a shower and hit the bed because I've slept a total of 16 hours in the last four days, but my mind and my heart is with her. I know she's accepted what happened, but this weekend I rememebered, and it made me think about our friendship. I looked back over the miles we have traveled and saw how far we have come together- and that there's so much ahead of us. One day soon, it won't be four days without each other, it will be four weeks or four months. But here's what I know that I know that I know- she's my best friend. I'm hers. There won't be a day when that isn't true. Because whatever life gives us, we get through it together, whether that involves crying, laughing, or a dose of reality only a true friend can give. And I love her.

Another blogger said it best:
"...this is what being a grown up is all about I am learning. Yearning for something passed, currently living mundanely, missing something so feverishly that you didn't realize at the time you should be fully reveling in. I don't remember hearing anyone hollering ready or not..."