Monday, June 29, 2009

i feel so incredibly lonely. Like I'm losing everything. Like everytime i think I have something it gets yanked away from me. Like I never really had it. Like nobody cares.

I'm sure everyone feels this way sometimes.

Saturday, June 20, 2009

she likes purple
and conversation
she likes taking naps in the afternoon
she likes money
but she don't have much
she likes stealing clothes from her sister's room
she likes mochas,
but only mint ones
she likes boys and talking on the telephone
she likes locking the door
when she's home alone

she knows that her life isn't perfect
but it could be worse
and she knows high school is not the center of the universe

she's not gonna pay
social insecurity is running out
it's running away
social insecurity is running out

she likes people
keeping it simple
she likes the music loud when she's singing
she's kinda quiet
don't let it fool you
'cause that girl, she's got an opinion
she's got a secret
but she's not telling
and being with her family makes her smile
she says purple is never out of style

she knows her life isn't perfect
but it could be worse
and she knows that the song she's singing has got a second verse

I wanna dance in the street in my bare feet
and jump in some puddles if I want to
I wanna wear messy hair like I don't care
and live like all my dreams are gonna come true
I wanna scream out loud, stand out in a crowd
and walk and talk with Jesus 'cause I need to
and my social insecurity is running far away from me
take a piece if you want to
I'm not gonna pay
it's running away

she knows that her life isn't perfect
but it could be worse

Friday, June 19, 2009

the unknown.

I can tell you the most mundane details about my job. I can point to the exact place where the ladybug trim lives; I can fix jammed printer paper in five seconds flat. I can guide you to oil pastels, and when the mail comes in, I go through it like a pro. I pay this and charge that out, and I do it all effortlessky, more or less. The questions I ask are few and far between; I can stay there for weeks by myself because I know the ins and outs, every situation of that place.

Ask me about my school...well, my old school. I roamed those halls like I was the boss; I took people out of class whenever I pleased. I attended when I wanted. It wasn't always like that, though. I didn't always dare to walk in a classroom and demand to see someone in the hall. I didn't strut down the halls without a pass, going over every single inch of them at least a hundred times. It took time, and confidence. It took a camera aorund my neck and a status as editor-in-chief that nobody ignored. But before that, I was a freshman, I shook with nerves at the thought that they wouldn't like me. And now, when I drive by, I long for one more minute there. One more block, one more class, one more lunch. I wondered why I always wanted to skip. I want to sit on those couches one more time! I want to edit one more yearbook! It wasn't enough!

But it will have to be.

My best friend. When I think of her, I can hear what she's thinking. I know every cure of her face, every expression, and most of the thoughts that course through her head. When I send a text message, I usually already know the answer, or at least the tone in which she'll respond. When we sleep in the same bed, she knows that my hand will rest against her back and I know she'll steal my covers. She knows I hate peanut butter. I know not to serve her cole slaw. I could go on and on, listing the random knowledge I have acquired about this girl over the years of friendship. And one day I would look back and think, "I thought I knew you then."

There's a point to these ramblings. I drive these streets, and I know all the shortcuts. I know when Happy Hour at Sonic ends. I know the best parking spots, and the worst. I know cool spots to show out-of-towners. I know which shops are the least expensive. I know my town, these people, this life. And it's all about to change.

This life is familar. I love this life. I love the nights with my best friend, the conversations we can have with choppy sentences and half-spoken thoughts that no one else would understand. I love the responsibility of that is my store, how my customers recognize me and comment on my hair cuts or new shirt. I loved my school; I loved everything about it. I wish I would have known that while I attended it. And now, here I am, speeding unhaltingly towards something that is totally new. And not just one something, a whole life of new somethings. My home, my school, my friends, my job. It is all being replaced, and while the thought gives me a thrill that sends chill bumps popping up all over my body, it also gives throws my stomach into a series of cartwheels everytime I consider it. What if they don't like me?

Of course, everytime these fears bubble to the surface, everyone around me assures me that it will be "the time of my life." But I got so lucky. I found this wonderful job, fit into this wonderful LIndsey-shaped hole at school, got matched up with these wonderful friends, and I am daring to test fate again? I am daring to believe it could happen twice? Who am I, to demand that of life?

I guess it comes back to this: the unknown scares the living mess out of me. It always has. My friends know that I won't turn down a dare, but in real life, I run in the opposite direction. I cling to the familar and thrive in my routines. And I believed that I could change it all and survive!

More importantly, this overrides the above statement: "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." So i will.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009


Hiii. I'm only doing this cause I'm bored. I'm going to the late movie with a friend. Why did I pick the late movie?! I'm driving myself crazy. I already stayed on Facebook for like 37 hours. Then I took a bath. I shaved my legs just to take up time. I used some of my sister's yummy-smelling body wash even though I'm trying to convince everyone that we are just friends. Myself, even. So, then I got out and took a trip my best friend's to borrow some jeans. Skinny jeans. I have never, ever worn skinny jeans in my life. Nor did I ever plan to. But here I am, skinny jean -wearing. As I type. I put on a cute shirt and some pearls and did my makeuo and my hair. And then he said it would be a little while longer. So I got on Facebook again. I kept talking to people and telling them I was going out...well, when they asked. But then I would get back on Facebook. I looked like a dork. So then I redid my makeup. Then it still wasn't time. So I've been playing music, pacing. Waiting. I just got a text that says he's about to get in the shower. If only he knew.... I mean, we are just friends, but he hasn't seen me in a long, long time and I just want to look my best. It just came to my realization that I don't have to work the rest of the week until 12:30. So yay for that. I'm trying to think of things I'm gonna wanna know about in 10 years, you know? I want to document that I-got-ready-67-hours-in-advance-for-nothing feeling. The anticipation, the butterflies. I'm sure it'll be fine. Ice cream and movies. Two of my favorite things. Sundaes, to be exact. I love sundaes. I feel like I'm rambling...I don't care much though, cause it's my blog. That's the beauty of it. I'm ready to move away. I move on August 15th. That seems like a long time from now, but in the same doesn't. At all. Feels like far too short of a time, like there's no way I can possibly be ready in time. I guess there's not. I go to bamabound next week. I'm excited. I don't really wanna look like one of those dumb, naive freshmen, but I'm sure I will anyway, so I'll just embrace it. There won't be many upperclassmen there anyway. I can think of one upperclassman I'd like to see right now, but at the same time, I don't. I'm nervous. Remember that feeling, you who's all married with kids right now? This is where it starts. Except, we're just friends....and I'd like it to stay that way. I enjoy having a friend, who's a guy, who I can tell anything to. It's nice. I don't want any feelings to get in the way. Last tiem that happened, it SUCKED. royally. Okay, I'm about to go compose myself and put on some lip gloss and try to look like all this was effortless. Ha. I wonder if he'll come inside. I hope not.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

i can't believe this. i never thought it would happen. that it could. but here it is, staring me in the face.

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Random boys keep messaging me on Facebook, lol

This is my 100th post. 

I had actually turned my computer off, but turned it back on to blog a little. Just a hodgepodge of stuff, really. 

Today was such a good, good day. It was like the first real day of summer. I love how my work schedule worked out...I work 4 full days a week and have 3 off. 2 during the week, and of course Sunday. It's giving me hours but some downtime too. Today was my first day off when I really had nothing to do. I spent the night with Beka last night, who will be my rommate at bama. Today, we and another friend, Darcy, hung out by the pool Okay, well for like 5 hours. But that's a long time! It was so much fun! There was a Pink cd in the cd player (Did I tell you I'm pretty much obssessed with Pink these days? I bought her cd the other day after I listened to her new song on the radio and I was like, "I have to have it." So I got it and have been listening to it nonstop, and considering Darcy or Beka one are usually in the car with me, they have too. We're going to a Pink concert. But, I digress inside my parenthesis, as usual). There was SO MUCH SUN! It was yummmmy. I lvoe the sun. Not the heat, but the sun. I lvoe feeling it on me. I could lay out there for hours (in fact, I do.) I usually do sunscreen though, but I am pathetically pale and so I only put it on my face today and I got the perfect tan/sunburn. Mmmmm! I'll be tanner tomorrow. I love it. And, there was a pool. I tried laying out in my backyard the other day, but the humidity was just too much with the heat. I almost had a heatstroke. The pool improved things A LOT! And I had some of my best friends chilling with me. And we sang and swam and soaked up the sun. Then, we went to Sonic and got a blue powerade slush. Yum! Those things are my favorite. And, I got a pair of flip flops for ten bucks! Then, I got a free brownie. Life.doesn't.get.better. I mean, it might but I'll be just fine if it doesn't. Actually, my car broke down last night, and is now sitting somewhere, undriveable. So I am relying on others to drive me around, but I'm seeing that I have a lot of people who will sacrifice for me, and I'm not going to get all hung up on those who won't or can't or whatever. 

Then, I just hung out at home tonight. I haven't been home in several days, and Chris and Lori aren't saying anything, but I don't want to push my luck. I don't know how much "I just graduated high school, and I'm 18 and going to college" will cover me, since I am still living here for 2 more months. So I staye dhome. A few minutes ago I looked aorund and realized in horror the chaotic state of my room. I used to be a neat freak, but with my job and social life, it's safe to say I grew out of that, but I'm not a slob. There's not clothes all over the floor or anything, it's jsut a small room and gets cluttered. Right now, there's a huge box in the middle of it because Callie got me this comforter for graduation, and it came in it. I also had a few gift bags sitting around with graduation presents in them.  So, momentary freak out. I cleaned up really quickly and then made a ton of noise trying to put the comofrter back in it's lovely, convenient little zip-up bag, as opposed to being just open in the box. I would rather nothing get spilled on it. Then, I continued messing with the box and making mroe noise until I had the graduation presents and comforter inside, which wasnt a small task because I was trying to be quiet. But I failed. Anyway, said graduation box is still sitting there, but the clutter is combined. I am thinking I will save the box because it will be a good moving box. So it will probably sit there for another two months, until I go.

Speaking of going, I'm getting exciting. Our kitchenette has granite countertops...:):):):)