Wednesday, November 25, 2009

1. I saw this on a blog and I really just want to prove I can do it.

2. I'm not sure if I can think of one hundred things about me. I guess we'll see.

3. I really, really love wildflowers...i.e., those not grown for the point of growing and selling.

4. I stop and pick them off the side of the road all the time, even if theyre weeds.

5. I could watch TLC all day long.

6. Sometimes I do.

7. My #1 pet peeve is ditching. If we make plans, I'm going to keep those plans- even if something better comes along. And I'm going to be really mad if you don't, and then I'm left plan-less.

8. My #2 pet peeve is when people just stop responding to your texts without letting you know they were ending the conversation.

9. I am a really bad sleeper.

10. I have issues sleeping away from home.

11. Even at Callie's house, and we've been best friends for four years. That's a lot of sleepovers.

12. I have a purple blankie named Blanka. It goes everywhere with me. Don't make fun.

13. I get heartburn all the time.

14. When I hear a new song, I listen to it over and over to learn the words.

15. I also look up the lyrics online when I hear it for the first time.

16. I steal lines from songs all the time and put them into real life...

17. and post them as my facebook status all the time, instead of what I'm really doing, like watching the OC, riding in a jeep, fighting with my best friend, or eating at chick fil a (which are all things ive done in the last 3 days, but you didn't know about any of them.)

18. I eat at chick fil a like 5 times a week.

19. I bet the u of a chick fil a will get the majority of my dining dollars.

20. My tv changes randomly.

21. I often wind up watching something dumb because I can't change the channel... I now know how to survive in the rain forest ("How to Survive in the Rain Forest") and,

23. once, it landed on porn.

24. I freaked out, and dived for the remote (which I had major problems finding),

25. and knocked my computer on the floor. My computer has a little chipped paint because of the ordeal.

26. It was traumatic experience.

27. I have eaten ice cream almost every day this summer.

28. I quit work in exactly one month.

29. I'm extremely ecstatic about number 28.

30. I like to name animals funny old people names, like Walter.

31. I named callie's freckles Eunice and Dorothy. I think they're adorable,

32. and I'm jealous of them.

33. I named everything.

34. My phone's name is Sadie.

35. When she acts up (which she often does), I curse at her.

36. I am a terrible cook.

37. I mess up easy things, like box macaroni and cheese (it's always soupy) and bronies (um...theyre always soupy, too.)

38. However, I can cook a delicious grilled cheese,

39. and scrambled eggs.

40. I love correct grammar.

41. My favorite punctuation mark is parenthesis (can you tell?)

42. My second favorite is the semicolon.

43. I guess I'm a dork because I actually have favorite punctuation marks.

44. But I also think I'll be a good journalist.

45. I bet most of you have stopped reading by now.

46. I could eat a whole pan of brownies.

47. well...I've never done it, but I really think I could.

48. I don't even really think ice cream is all that great.

49. The part of college that I'm most excited for is buying my own groceries. Well, not buying them, but getting to pick out what I buy.

50. I have skype.

51. I really love babies.

52. But once they hit 3, I don';t really like kids.

53. I like kids in my family though, and in my best friend's family.

54. That kind of it, though.

55. I'm considering going to get a cookie.

56. I eat at least one cookie everyday.

57. Man, this is taking longer than I thought.

58. I'm not a dog person.

59. Most people are horrified by that.

60. But I hate slobber.

62. Callie has a dog named JJ that is the best dog EVER. She doesnt slobber.

63. I have asked if I could take her to college with me.

64. But they said no.

65. I am a cat person.

66. I want to get a cat and hide it in my dorm room.

67. I also want to get a waffle maker.

68. I love waffles. They're my favorite breakfast food.

69. I am a creature of habit.

70. I am kind of scared that I may end up a crazy cat lady.

71. SO I probably won't get a cat.

72. From the ages of 2-4 years old, all I would eat was beanie weenies and fruit cocktail. Seriously. Everyday.

73. I still love both of those things.

74. If I have a little girl, I will name her Katon Lorraine, and call her Kate.

75. I don't have any boy names.

76. I love when boys touch the small of my back.

77. And when anyone asks me how my day went.

78. I'm pretty sensitive.

79. When I'm mad, I will give you the silent treatment all day long.

80. I like to lay out all night with boys.

81. I probably shouldn't have told you that last one. Don't take it the wrong way.

82. I want a black car.

83. I love the color black.

84. I also love white.

84. Most of my clothes are black, or white, or grey.

85. I stay up really late.

86. Usually talking to Jerry, who also stays up really late. (everyone else goes to sleep.)

87. He's the only person I talk to on skype.

88. I am rooming at Alabama with Beka.

89. It aggravates me when people call Alabama "Bama."

90. And I hate the phrase "bahaahaha."

91. I'm also not a fan of the word "totally," but I use it sometimes anyway.

92. While we're on that subject, I hate the word "armpit," too, and "tit." ugh!

93. I get paid tomorrow.

94. I'm pumped.

95. I'm almost done!

96. I have a planner.

98. I write everything down in it.

99. In fact, I have a doctor appointment on July 6th.

100. I bet nobody is still reading!

your turn!

Monday, November 23, 2009

I feel guilty because I don't ever post pictures. What, you want more than my scintillating writing? Fine. Fine.

there's the last four months, give or take a day or two :)

Sunday, November 22, 2009

I wrote this for a class, but I'd like to remember it..

Advice I Would Give to Freshmen
            I would like to tell you, an incoming freshman, several things that I wish someone had told me, although I would not have listened, and you probably won’t either. But still, I am clearly very seasoned and experienced, and you should listen to me. This is what I would like to say:
            First and foremost, that everyone is in the same position as you, and so stop thinking you’re special. When I came to the University, I so scared. Plain and simple- I was scared about everything, from doing my own laundry and missing my family to cleaning my toilet and not making any friends. These are things that everyone goes through, and if they tell you they don’t, they’re lying to you. Everyone is nervous and frightened and excited. Everyone gets homesick at least once or twice, and everyone feels at some point like they don’t belong- even if it’s only for a second. The important thing to remember is that you’re not alone. You have hundreds of other people who got plucked from their safe, warm comfort zones and thrown into this brand new world. Maybe some of them brought their best friends or already lived in Tuscaloosa; perhaps that made the transition easier, but they still dealt with same emotions. And even so, most people didn’t. Most people left their friends at home and are here alone. So, my advice would be to leave that stinking comfort zone behind. Jump into the water (warning: it is cold!) and introduce yourself. At first, it seems so silly, because you’re not used to doing it. But before long, it will become second nature for you to introduce yourself and jump into the conversation. Before you know it, you’ll have friends who, although they don’t really know what they are doing either, will help you figure it out. You’ll do it together.
            Secondly, find something to get involved in. That’s the most cliché advice out there, and I know that, and I rolled my eyes every single time someone told me that, but it’s true. I was forced to get involved through the Coca-Cola scholarship program, and it was one of the most beautiful gifts I received. I participated in Alabama Action, a service-minded week, and met some of my best friends (I promise!). Maybe you absolutely love Ultimate Frisbee or football- there are intramurals for you (I don’t see the draw of throwing a piece of circular plastic or a hard ball, but I’m sure it appeals to some people.) If that’s not you, look up some clubs or organizations. There is something, I promise, and if you can’t find something, join a club and feign interest. It will force you to meet people who have the interests, or at least someone who also has impressive faking skills.
            Thirdly, bring an umbrella. It rains, the buses are running late, and you walk to class. It rains a lot. Trust me. Bring an umbrella. (And not one of those puny dollar-store ones, either. You think it only happens in the movies, but there will come a monsoon one day, and it will take you and your umbrella by storm, literally. You want a strong one.)
            Lastly, decide who you want to be. Almost upon the moment you arrive, you will have to start making decisions. Some of them will be simple, no-brainers, and others will require some thought. Soon, you’ll be faced with moral dilemmas that never even touched you in high school. You may or may not have a supportive group of friends to help you make decisions and, and if you don’t, it will be harder, because you might be swayed by people who don’t have your best interests in mind. So decide what kind of standards you want to uphold, and then stick to them. Don’t be afraid to say “no”- and in the same breath, let me say, don’t be afraid to say “yes.” It’s a whole different world, one without your parents there to coach you, guide you and ground you, and you have to be careful. Enjoy your freedom, but remember that freedom walks hand-in-hand with responsibility. It is possible to have incredible fun and still maintain grades, as well as moral standards- I do it every day. Whatever you decide to do, and whoever you decide to be, make sure you’re becoming that person for yourself, and not for people who will try to convince you to be like them. It will happen, but if you let them know that you are who you are, you like that person, and you will not be persuaded to become someone else, thank you very much, you’ll find that they’ll back off. Love who you are, and if there comes a day you don’t, remember that anytime you decide to change, you can just start.
            Depending on whether or not you feel like you need to look like everyone else, you may or may not want to invest in some Nike shorts, leggings, and boots. (I know you won’t believe me now, but these are clothing materials that actually go together, or at least, that’s what hundreds of girls around here believe. It only works on this campus, so if this is up your alley, take advantage.)

Best wishes for your freshman year,

Saturday, November 21, 2009

I'm home.

Don't get nervous or disappointed or think, "Oh, we knew it wouldn't last long." It's just Thanksgiving Break. But because of canceled classes and Hailee's birthday, and despite a University of Alabama vs. University of Tennessee-Chattanooga ticket and a fierce glare from Jane as I threw my laundry in the trunk. I'm home for a whole nine days- four days longer than I'd planned. This is day one. But it feels so, so good.  Fully-stocked pantry, willing-to-pay parents,and a new car aside, my relationship is what makes these visits touch that place in my heart that induces some sort of smile I can't hide. It's not a boy, or a friend- nope. It's my parents.

When I lived here, I was another source of stress. Where was I  and who was I with and was I fed? And my goodness, how were they going to pay for college? I'm sure they still worry; in fact, I know it. But we have college paid for- at least for a few semesters- and I'm proving I'm responsible, and so they worry less. Or they show it less.

And so I come home to this: Let's just spend time together. Watch a movie with us. Go with me to the store. Do you need any groceries? We miss you. We love you. Goodnight.

It's an indescribable feeling, that one that comes when you know you're exactly where you belong, where all of the people around you love you and they're not going to hurt you. Have you ever been around people, maybe people you've just met or don't really like, and you have this urge to flee into the arms of the people you love? People who know you and adore you and protect you and oh my gosh, I want them right now because these people don't love me at all, not one little bit. They're not necessarily mean or hateful or rude, and by golly, they're actually nice, but they're not my people. I've felt that way a lot at college. Don't get me wrong- please don't- I've made wonderful friends and I'm not lonely, by any means. but every now and then I just miss feeling unreserved and loved and understood. And that's what this place gives me. It lets me know I belong somewhere, even if it's not where I think. It says, no matter where you go and who you meet, we're always going to be here. We think you're terrific.

I miss Tuscaloosa, and I miss my friends, and my best friend here is running in the opposite direction, but I've got these people. And although I will probably be ready to go home in eight days, I'm loving being loved right now. And I'm loving them right back.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

I just read a post over at Storked! titled, "What would you do with an extra hour?" Chrissy is a single mom in Jersey, and I love her blog not because of the mom factor (although I've been reading since JD was a tiny baby, and I think he is an adorably cute kid!), but because she has a job I'm after. However, she and I are very different, and so, friends, I'd just like to think about the things I get to do with my hours that are all my own. Yup, maybe I'm gloating, but right now, I'm in this time of my life and I know it's a selfish one. What, really, do you have to worry about in college besides yourself? YOUR grades, YOUR friends, YOUR accommodations. Soon (hopefully..), I'll have a husband who will change that, and a job that will change that, and kids that will change it more. So, things that I absolutely love doing:

  • I LOVE my library routine on Tuesdays and Thursdays, and I realize I've spoken about it tons, but I want to remember it, because next semester I won't have it. I go to the library after my 8:00 class, when it's still and quiet and only serious studiers or people who got the early classes have crept from bed. I hide out on the third floor in a comfy chair with a large coffee and blog. Occasionally I do homework, but really this is my morning time to get everything together for the long day ahead (and it's a long one). It's all for me.
  • I love taking long showers. I do this rarely, because so many times I'm on a time crunch- shower before church, shower before meeting friends, shower before Janie comes down, shower after working out. But every now and then I just have a pocket of time that I choose to fill with showering and I can shave and deep condition and exfoliate and let the water work out the knots in my shoulders. I can blow-dry and straighten and moisturize. Mmmmmm.
  • I love watching Grey's Anatomy. Enough said.
  • Sleep! I WILL sleep in m/w/f, thankyouverymuch. No, I won't meet you for lunch at eleven or on the quad at ten or for coffee (okay, I do meet people sometimes). But mostly, I just enjoy sleeping. Especially on Fridays. Sadly, I am still very sleep deprived. But I'm not alone: College freshmen everywhere skimp on sleep. Drats. I will get better. I will.
  • Facebooking, blogging, chatting. All those online things that fuel my generation.
  • Reading. Oh, I am revamping my love of reading. Thank you, Gorgas Library!
What do you indulge in? If you can't think of something, shame on you!

Friday, November 13, 2009


What is it about this place that makes it so much harder? Why does it seem so much more evident, when I am sure that I am having the time of my life? What are these feelings, and why now?

It's raw pain. Grief. Honesty. It's remembering things I worked so hard to forget because I have to tell it all over again. I have to clue people in; I have to explain. And forgetting had become so easy, something that became part of my everyday routine. Lori made it easier to pretend that there was never anyone else. But there is and there was, and here I am faced with her face again and again as I tell my story, and talk about how it felt, and am forced to deal with how it still feels.

Having this best friend who directs these questions at me, who looks me in the eye and demands to know why I'm doing what I'm doing and why I'm who I am doesn't make it any easier. I've been running for years, afraid of what my happen if I slowed down to take a breath, and I've realized now that once you slow, it's very hard to get going again. Once you tell it and uncover all of those repressed memories, it's hard to shove them back into the back of your mind and go about your business.

It's hard when she should have been celebrating half a century, but I was simply documenting what I remembered of her 42nd year.

It's hard when I have a friend whose relationship with her mother makes me so jealous that I'm certain the desire in my heart will never lose it's wanting, it's aching.

It's hard when I long to call her and discuss these feelings, and how I'm growing up, and how it's scary.

It's hard when I just miss her. And why do i? Why was it so much easier before I came here? I suppose it's a plethora of reasons: this new time period in my life, all of these news friends for whom I must give explanation after explanation, the relationships of other people and their parents thrust in my face. And it's not their faults; it's my fault for letting it get to me, for pushing it down all of these years, for refusing to talk about it, and this is what happens. My heart hardens, and I am certain nobody will ever understand. Nobody's been here; nobody knows what it feels like to want someone so badly that it consumes your thoughts, filling them with what-ifs and could-have-beens and maybe-one-days. I'm sure someone does.

Someone does, right? Anyone? Does anyone understand that feeling? Does anyone run? I've been running for so long, and I have a feeling that if I don't slow down soon and handle this, it's going to take over my life and ruin relationships and step in before I can start to build anything worth having.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

things that have changed about me since college, and why i'm hating today.

I knew things would change about me once I came to college. I was moving out, moving on, moving up. I had the chance to do things the way I wanted to, even if those things were simply choosing what cereals to buy or how to fold my t-shirts. No longer was I forced to bend to the ways of my home (although I doubt Lori would have stood with a whipping cane, forcing me to fold t-shirts any particular way), but I now have the freedom to experiment, to draw conclusions, to change. I can do things in the way I think is best. Given, these are small, minuscule, trivial, even, parts of life. And some of these things have simply come about; before, there was no need for the things that I now must have. But, on to the list.
  • I drink coffee regularly. More so, I crave coffee the way alcoholics must long for a shot of whiskey. I demand it on rainy days, cold days, i-only-got-three-hours-of-sleep days, and especially rainy, cold, i-only-got-three-hours-of-sleep days, but mostly, all days. Ironically, I used to see it as an occasional treat that I didn't really even like all that much, and I would go for some sort of fancy concoction. I do really adore a white chocolate mocha these days, but a tall, large, bold coffee with skim and sweet n low will work just fine, thank you.
  • I'm a studier. I've never been one who had to study, or felt that desire to "oh my god, i have to be the best at every, single thing," and thus, my life never really warranted too much studying. (Although read any of 2009's posts from January through May, and my anatomy-induced whining will tell you different). However, now, I have come to love the library, and often retreat there between classes to do some not-extremely-pressing studying.
  • I care much less about my appearance. This could be the new friends I have who don't care either, the sleep deprivation, the fact that I am always going somewhere, and I was already supposed to be there ten minutes ago, or a combination of these, but I am super happy to throw on sweats and throw my hair up and forgo makeup, just because, um, that's not all that important.
  • I eat healthier, but, in the same breath,
  • I eat a TON of sweets.
  • I am so much less attached to my phone. This is a funny one, because you would think I would become more attached to it, with so many people that I care about so much farther away from me. But, I find myself leaving it for hours in the room or not really caring when it dies. It's possibly because I am so often with most of the people that would text or call anyway. I am also much less likely to respond to you these days, just because I'm too on-the-move to constantly be texting, and it's takes away from my focus on the people I'm with. This, my friends, is a good thing.
  • I carry a backpack (I stopped doing that in the tenth grade).
  • I get so much less sleep. Internet, I am so sleep-deprived. I am not alone, though. Uh-oh.
  • I have black fingernails. TAKE THAT, NANCY AND ADA!
  • I, supposedly, talk differently. I say, "drats," and also, my voice has changed. I don't even know about that one.
  • I drive a lot less.
  • I did find that the most important food to me is cereal. I love, love, love cereal. I will forgo toilet paper in favor of Oatmeal Squares. Not kidding.
  • Oh, and how I fold my t-shirts.
And, why I hate today: (in list format! a whole list full of HATE! lucky you, you reader, you!)
  • It's raining.
  • Not only is it raining, but it's monsooning in a very tropical-stormy way.
  • It's monsooning in such a tropical-stormy way that it turned my umbrella inside out. Yeah. That happens in real life.
  • That happened today. This morning. Before my coffee.
  • It's cold. This makes the monsooning rain even more difficult to stand and induces shivering that can be misidentified as seizing, not to mention the inside-out umbrella-wrangling. Oh what a joy I must have been a watch as I fled to the library.
  • I only had three hours of sleep last night. Yup. Three. The number babies can count to before they can even say the word banana. Less fingers than are on one hand. I feel like if I get a number of hours of sleep that would also be an appropriate pizza slice serving, I have failed. Three falls into this category, folks.
  • In addition to the sleep and the rain and the cold, I had class. At 8. All the way across campus.
  • I wore flip-flops today and,
  • I don't have a rain jacket with a hood. (Allow me to mention that the desire to steal my roommate's was very large, but I fought it in a good Samaritan way and went with a measly sweatshirt.)
  • I have history tonight. And the outlook of my getting a nap before then seems so small because I have a paper due.
  • AND i found out I have a test on Thursday. Couldn't he have told us last Thursday? That man, I swear.
  • At this point, I have coffee breath, and no gum.
  • I also have class in 53 minutes.

One thing I love about today? This wonderful routine of mine, with coffee and a muffin and a blog or two. Really, quite wonderful indeed. Plus, it's supposed to be sunny tomorrow.

Monday, November 9, 2009

This is what I remember,

from your last birthday.

I remember that Nana cooked enchiladas because you asked for them.
I remember you were wearing jeans, keds, and a red and white checked sleeveless shirt.
I remember standing on the stairs, and how you had your head leaned back on the chair, and how we were talking, and you turned and smiled at me.

That's all I remember because it was eight years ago, and I didn't know I was supposed to be savoring it so. But they're lovely memories.

Happy Birthday.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

again, again, again!

Well, I've done this before, but that was a year, and things are different. I still agree with that list, but let's add to it.

List of random things that make me happy:
  • white chocolate mochas after my 8 o'clock class.
  • the library (especially when I don't have homework to do in there!)
  • having a homework assignment finished before right before it's due
  • a stack of books to read
  • movie nights with my friends
  • hot chocolate on the quad
  • anything on the quad...
  • the quad! (i really love the quad)
  • kit-kat bars, brownies, cookies, pasta; really anything that is delicious and bad for you.
  • Bryant's salad bar and turkey sandwiches
  • snuggling
  • Blanka
  • coming up with a creative idea (i.e.- putting drawer liner under my desk calendar to keep it from sliding around)
  • Joanna's singing
  • new jeans
  • new makeup
  • new anything, except zits or pounds or boogers.
  • homemade meals
  • postcards
  • handwritten mail
  • any mail
  • letters, notes, cards
  • a big bowl of cereal
  • a clean house
  • dressing up
  • but also, sweatpants and sweatshirts (especially the $5 ones at Wal-Mart!)
that's all for today!

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Last night, just like every other Wednesday night since I've been in Tuscaloosa, I went to the Well. In the spirit of renewing my relationship with the Lord, I've been giving it all I have and begging Him to come to me.

And He does.

Last night, we studied a passage in which Jesus asked a couple of blind men a startling question:
"What do you want me to do for you?"

Wait...Jesus asks me that same question? The God of the Milky Way and Africa and white chocolate mochas asks me, "What do you want me to do for you?" This is what the preacher man tried to convince me. In years, months, days past, I would have responded with something church-y. "Lord, I just want a deeper relationship with you..." Sure I do. But that's less of His doing and more of mine, I'd say. And so, with the urging of the most wonderful pastor in the world, I was candid and true and fierce in my expectations of the Lord, and as I prayed to Him, I told Him exactly what I wanted Him to do for me, and it came out so sudden and raw that I was shocked:

Lord, I want a husband. I want a man who loves You, and who seeks You. I want a man who will love me and see the best in me and remind me when I can't see it, and I want to have the ability to give this gift to him as well. I want someone who has goals and aspirations and can make me laugh. I don't care who it is or where he's from, as long as he's who You want me to have. I'm waiting for him, Lord, but please give him to me. I don't want to be lonely forever. I want the soul mate you've got waiting for me, and I believe he's there and that You will provide him.

Oh, and I want a deeper relationship with You. But really...a husband? Those were the words that flowed. I'm eighteen years old and quite happily single, with only a string of flings to my name- not a serious relationship in sight, and I'm requesting a husband? I didn't even know.

Regardless, I have faith, faith as tiny as a mustard seed that can and does and will move mountains, and that's all I need, because He has promsied to do the rest. And so I will let Him.
Today, my e-mail devotion spoke of God the Performer, and well, He's telling me this: "Let go, and Let God." Okay.

God is a performer! Think about that. He performs things on your behalf. Say this a dozen times, "Father, I thank You that You perform on my behalf. I thank You that You perform on my behalf!"

"Son of David, do not pass me by."
I have faith that He won't.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

I'm having one of those weeks.

No, Internet, not one of those weeks- one of THOSE weeks!

The kind where you forget about all the junk that habitually tears you down and tires you out and steals your smile and knots up your shoulders and causes you to walk slower and all of the things that turn you into an unhappy person if you don't catch it and stop and forget it.

Well, Internet, this week I did just that. I'm not sure why I'm so incredibly happy; there's no particularly wonderful thing that happened to me on Sunday to induce all of the joy that I'm experiencing. I just decided to be, and it worked. It worked. Mostly, I looked around and noticed all of the wonderful things God bestowed upon me. I know that if you dig into my background, if you listen to my story, there's a lot of bad. Between the dead mother and the alcoholic father and the psychotic stepmother and the siblings that never got on the right path, I have a lot to whine about, and trust me, I have and I do and I will. I'm a whiner (if you don't believe me, start reading.) But, I have so much to be thankful for, so many blessings! For each trial, each smelly old shoe that gets thrown at me, I am handed a vase full of wildflowers. God holds me and says, "Yeah, I took away your mom and your dad, but that's because Chris and Lori were meant to raise you. Yeah, I took away your dream of Vanderbilt, but that's because I wanted you at Alabama. Yeah, I took away that least week of summer, but that's because you needed to meet your best friends."

I didn't always see that, and I don't always see it now, old and seasoned as I am at 18 years of age. It took me years to understand why my mom died, and even now I don't comprehend the whys, I just appreciate that God knows what He is doing, and that by relinquishing to His control, my life is exponentially more joyful and fulfilling. And even so, I still struggle with giving up control of my own life. It's the human in me.

But, this week isn't like that. For this week- so far at least, until some sneaker hits me in the nose- I am filled with the happiness that all of this provides. And I'm starting to see the pleasure that all of these little things- the tiny things that I usually fly by as I'm focusing on the "bigger picture"- can provide if I'll just let them. And, Internet, let me count my blessings, name them one by one.

  • Sunday, I went to the grocery store. I bought all the things I wanted: Oatmeal Squares, chocolate cereal bars, Cream of Wheat. I spent $15. It was glorious.
  • Then, I had dinner with my best friends. We watched a movie. We laughed. We made noise. There was much fun to be had and we didn't mind if we did, thank you very much. My beautiful, beautiful friends.
  • On Monday, I got to sleep. I GOT SLEEP! Some time after college, I may actually get the recommended eight hours a night, or seven, or six, but let it be said that for the entirety of my college career so far, I have only received an average of 5 hours a night. I know, it's my own fault.
  • Monday night I went to class and the professor- a man who I've really comes to dislike because, my god, he reminds me so much of the dentist, and although I wouldn't admit this in real life, the dentist gives me the heebie jeebies, and actually induces panic attacks- kept talking about the "scholarship." Now, I don't pay too much attention in this class, but I'm not dumb. Nobody else knew what he was talking about either, so we asked and he mentioned (just now!) that, oh yeah, we'd be getting a $2,000 scholarship for the class. Oh, a $2,000 scholarship? Neat. A FREAKING TWO THOUSAND DOLLAR SCHOLARSHIP. Excuse me while I happy dance for at least three weeks straight. The most wonderful part about this wasn't even the money: It was my Lord, who is so freaking wonderful. The college ministry at Calvary Baptist challenged college students to give a lunch offering- something that they would miss. Initially started out with $5, but at the last minute, I doubled that- something I would miss in my grocery budget this week. I did miss it when I went to the grocery store, but a day later, I got my entire next semester paid for. I sent this in an email to Lori: "They say there aren't miracle anymore, but my God is miraculous. He fed the 5,000 with two loaves of bread and five fish, and he paid for my college next semester with $10." How insanely wonderful. God is SO good. So good to me.
  • Then, today was my full day, although I didn't have history. But I woke up at 7 this morning and ran around all day, but it was just so nice. This morning I got a cup of coffee and sat in the library blogging and facebooking and chatting. I went to class, and I went to lunch with those wonderful friends. I worked on my history paper. I read the Great Gatsby. I noticed all the beautiful things life had to offer.

In the land that is plentiful  
Where Your streams of abundance flow 
Blessed be Your name  

Blessed Be Your name 
When I'm found in the desert place 
Though I walk through the wilderness 
Blessed Be Your name 

Every blessing You pour out  
I'll turn back to praise 
When the darkness closes in, Lord 
Still I will say  
Blessed be the name of the Lord 
Blessed be Your name B
lessed be the name of the Lord 
Blessed be Your glorious name

Sunday, November 1, 2009

It hasn't been easy.

As a matter of fact, it's been hard. Harder than I expected; much, much more difficult than I ever imagined. There have been fights, horrible, painful fights, that come from knowing someone well enough to exactly where to hit them, and expecting things out of them that they can't live up to, things that you should never expect. Fights that brew when you take a person for granted far too often and forget that they don't just have to be there. That at any time, especially when they're two hours away, they can decide to stop. But tonight it found it's way back, this friendship of ours. We fell into place again, and danced to the same beat, and we let it be. We laughed and talked, and while the tension let me know that things were still pulled a little snugly, it melted away. And I remembered- I remembered why I fell in love with your friendship in the first place, why I loved you so very much.

Yes, it has been hard. You've hurt me; God knows I've hurt you. We weren't as strong as we thought, but then again, maybe we're stronger. We put fight into this. We said, "No, I will not let you drift away from me. Maybe it is hard, and maybe it hurts, but I love you and if fighting for you is what it takes, then I will do that." Maybe it had to be hard before it could be easy. Maybe we just had to grow up a little. Or a lot. Maybe we're succeeding. I sure hope so.

I can't promise that it will be easy. I live far away. It's not California, but it's farther than we ever imagined. I'm sorry about that. And I love it- sometimes I'm sorry about that, too, that I wanted this, I'm the one who chose to put us through this, and I wouldn't change it. I'm sorry, but I wouldn't. It would have been far too easy to stay, and so I had to go. And my friends? I absolutely love them. I love that I had a chance to pick the friends I wanted instead of being friends with them, because, well, I go to school with them. I love that I have friends who think like me and friends who don't. I love that I found a best friend who understands me, and what I'm going through, and lives upstairs.

I hate that you think any of that changed how I felt about you.

Here's what you should know. You should know I don't have to talk to you everyday, that I don't have to know every detail. Sounds crazy, as in the past, it has upset me when you left things out, but, well, I've grown up. You should know I've changed, but if you could love the new me, I think we could revive this. You should know you haven't been replaced. Oh, no, you haven't. She made your absence more tolerable, but not less noticeable. You should know I'm doing just fine, but don't think I don't get homesick, and for you. I do. You should know that my family is a priority, and that yes, you're a part of that- a huge part- but that balancing it when I come home so that everyone ends up happy and no feelings get stepped on is like trying to not eat brownies- very, very hard. And so, I'm sorry that you're often the one that gets stepped on. I'll try to do better. I swear.

Mostly, you should know that I miss you. And I love you. And I know those are just words, and that lately our words and actions have been more hurtful than anything else, but I swear it's true. And when i say I miss you, I don't necessarily mean physically. My little heart misses yours. Come back to me.

This is who we are, we are intertwined. We can't be without the other, even if that means we're just fighting- we're still connected, still worrying, and fretting, and fighting, and loving. We always have been.

p.s. I decided we're no longer allowed to text. It's just gives us the freedom to say what we don't mean. Just call me.