Onward Bound

Have you ever had a first grader look at you sternly and insist that you "don't know because you're not even here ever!"? No? You're missing out. Has your mother ever mentioned something and when you exclaim, "I can't believe you didn't tell me that!" she murmurs, "Hm... did I not? I thought I did. I guess I forgot to call." Have you ever felt absolutely equally torn between the family who made you strong enough to leave and the one who has taken care of you since you've gone?

I have.

This break has given me so many things: Rest. Calm. Relaxation. Guilt-free Friday Night Lights marathons.
But most importantly, it's reconnected me to these people who used to be my moon and stars; it's reminded me how much they still are. It put me back in my rightful spot in the sky next to them. And just like that, it's time to climb down and go away again. And that, my friends, is no easy task.

The hardest part, I think, is not the actual driving away, though that will probably be harder than it's ever been before because this is the longest I've spent here since I left in the first place; it's the first time I really, really looked around and thought, "I don't really want to leave," though it's not because I don't love Tuscaloosa. That's the hardest part: I do love Tuscaloosa. And I will be happy to back. And it will only be a matter of days before I fall so seamlessly back into my routines there, before I'm walking the University's sidewalks just like I've been doing for the last 18 months. It will only be a couple of days before it seems like I never left at all, before my spot at this table becomes the places for stray papers again and they go about business as usual, too. And suddenly, there will be days without talking again, because, hey, we're all busy. There will be games that I miss because I can't get home and important decisions I make without their input because, when it comes down to it, I'm on my own now.

But now, while I'm here, sitting at this table, that's hard to believe. It's difficult for me to fathom getting in the car and driving away and going back to a life that doesn't involve them, a whole world that belongs to me alone. And while part of me wants to curl up and say, "Forget it. I'd rather live here forever," I know that I wouldn't be making them proud if I did that. I'm not the only one who worked my butt of to get me into college, and to back out now it makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside to be at the dinner table again would be seriously disgracing everyone's hard work. And let's not forget that I do love Tuscaloosa. I love school. And I really, really love my family there, too.

So I will pack up all my belongings- all of those that multiplied ten fold since I arrived 34 days ago- and I will hug them goodbye, and I will linger. It will take me longer than usual to gather my gumption and get in that car. I will walk right out of their lives again and take up my place further north.

But I will be doing it with their strength, their blessings, and their love pushing me along. I will be doing it with them in mind.

And I'll be back.

Oy vey.

It's Monday morning. Classes start today. Mine in 47 minutes, actually. And I want so badly for this to be a stand-out semester. Last semester gave me everything that I had begged of it: a routine, incredible friends, the ability to find my way around, good feelings that make you warm inside like acceptance and belonging and adoration. I want this semester to be just as wonderful, but in different. I have my friends, I know my way around, I've done this before already. But I don't want the excitement and the luster to wear off of this place. I still want to walk around with appreciation and in awe of how awesome everything here is, of how much I'm learning both in and out of class, of how absolutely positive I am that I should be here. And, I want to maintain my 4.0 and run a half-marathon. Pshhh.

But today- the start! the new beginning! the chance to do whatever you want to do!- had not started off happy or cheerful or thankful or appreciative or awe-inspiring. It has been a curse word, a scowl, a limp. It has been frustration and disappointment. And it's only 9:18. Alright, it hasn't been that bad. I woke up at 5:45 a.m. (before the sun and all that jazz) and went to the gym. We went for cycling class but cycling class was full (Before the sun rises! These people are ridic!) and so I ran a mile and walked a mile and decided day three of training for a half-marathon must be the hardest day. My goal this week was to run a mile each day, and now the soreness of OH MY GOD I DON'T USE THOSE MUSCLES EVER BECAUSE I AM A LAZY FATSO has set in and ow. I came home and napped for an hour, and then went to shower. On this cold, frigid, watch-you-breath-freeze-midair morning, my water refused to get hot and, as a matter of fact, dropped  degrees by the second. Now, I hate a cold shower. I really can't think of anything that gets me angrier than that instant when I start to feel the heat fading and I'm not finished yet. But of all times for this to happen for whatever reason (nobody else was even in the shower!)- Monday morning at 8 a.m. when I've got aching muscles and have a first day of class coming up is NOT THE TIME. So, that got me in a relatively crappy mood, and I shivered through the next ten minutes and then threw on clothes faster than you could say, "Hey, you have a big butt. You should go to the gym."

Here I am, emailing this lady who is telling me I may have to live on campus next year because of my scholarship and that may mean I don't get to live with my best friend, and sure, these are small problems in the big scheme of life but this Monday stinks. I'm hoping the ten o'clock hour offers me something happier.

things that have changed about me since college, and why i'm hating today.

I knew things would change about me once I came to college. I was moving out, moving on, moving up. I had the chance to do things the way I wanted to, even if those things were simply choosing what cereals to buy or how to fold my t-shirts. No longer was I forced to bend to the ways of my home (although I doubt Lori would have stood with a whipping cane, forcing me to fold t-shirts any particular way), but I now have the freedom to experiment, to draw conclusions, to change. I can do things in the way I think is best. Given, these are small, minuscule, trivial, even, parts of life. And some of these things have simply come about; before, there was no need for the things that I now must have. But, on to the list.

• I drink coffee regularly. More so, I crave coffee the way alcoholics must long for a shot of whiskey. I demand it on rainy days, cold days, i-only-got-three-hours-of-sleep days, and especially rainy, cold, i-only-got-three-hours-of-sleep days, but mostly, all days. Ironically, I used to see it as an occasional treat that I didn't really even like all that much, and I would go for some sort of fancy concoction. I do really adore a white chocolate mocha these days, but a tall, large, bold coffee with skim and sweet n low will work just fine, thank you.
• I'm a studier. I've never been one who had to study, or felt that desire to "oh my god, i have to be the best at every, single thing," and thus, my life never really warranted too much studying. (Although read any of 2009's posts from January through May, and my anatomy-induced whining will tell you different). However, now, I have come to love the library, and often retreat there between classes to do some not-extremely-pressing studying.
• I care much less about my appearance. This could be the new friends I have who don't care either, the sleep deprivation, the fact that I am always going somewhere, and I was already supposed to be there ten minutes ago, or a combination of these, but I am super happy to throw on sweats and throw my hair up and forgo makeup, just because, um, that's not all that important.
• I eat healthier, but, in the same breath,
• I eat a TON of sweets.
• I am so much less attached to my phone. This is a funny one, because you would think I would become more attached to it, with so many people that I care about so much farther away from me. But, I find myself leaving it for hours in the room or not really caring when it dies. It's possibly because I am so often with most of the people that would text or call anyway. I am also much less likely to respond to you these days, just because I'm too on-the-move to constantly be texting, and it's takes away from my focus on the people I'm with. This, my friends, is a good thing.
• I carry a backpack (I stopped doing that in the tenth grade).
• I get so much less sleep. Internet, I am so sleep-deprived. I am not alone, though. Uh-oh.
• I have black fingernails. TAKE THAT, NANCY AND ADA!
• I, supposedly, talk differently. I say, "drats," and also, my voice has changed. I don't even know about that one.
• I drive a lot less.
• I did find that the most important food to me is cereal. I love, love, love cereal. I will forgo toilet paper in favor of Oatmeal Squares. Not kidding.
• Oh, and how I fold my t-shirts.

And, why I hate today: (in list format! a whole list full of HATE! lucky you, you reader, you!)

• It's raining.
• Not only is it raining, but it's monsooning in a very tropical-stormy way.
• It's monsooning in such a tropical-stormy way that it turned my umbrella inside out. Yeah. That happens in real life.
• That happened today. This morning. Before my coffee.
• It's cold. This makes the monsooning rain even more difficult to stand and induces shivering that can be misidentified as seizing, not to mention the inside-out umbrella-wrangling. Oh what a joy I must have been a watch as I fled to the library.
• I only had three hours of sleep last night. Yup. Three. The number babies can count to before they can even say the word banana. Less fingers than are on one hand. I feel like if I get a number of hours of sleep that would also be an appropriate pizza slice serving, I have failed. Three falls into this category, folks.
• In addition to the sleep and the rain and the cold, I had class. At 8. All the way across campus.
• I wore flip-flops today and,
• I don't have a rain jacket with a hood. (Allow me to mention that the desire to steal my roommate's was very large, but I fought it in a good Samaritan way and went with a measly sweatshirt.)
• I have history tonight. And the outlook of my getting a nap before then seems so small because I have a paper due.
• AND i found out I have a test on Thursday. Couldn't he have told us last Thursday? That man, I swear.
• At this point, I have coffee breath, and no gum.
• I also have class in 53 minutes.

One thing I love about today? This wonderful routine of mine, with coffee and a muffin and a blog or two. Really, quite wonderful indeed. Plus, it's supposed to be sunny tomorrow.