A case of the yellows

Friends, I've just experienced the most stress-free, care-free, everything-else-that-is-annoying-but-part-of-life-free week that I've had in Tuscaloosa since, well...ever. I've been singing happy tunes and putting skips in my steps and sure, there have been bumps but nothing mountain-like in the least. And that, Internet, is why I've got a case of the blues yellows. 

Awesome Things about the last 7 days:

1. Seeing (most of my- Get well soon, Janie!-) roommates again. I forgot how much we go together and wondered all the days long how I'd gotten along so well without them for a month. I am really counting my lucky stars that God ensured a family in both of my homes.  
2. Magazines in the mail. Seriously, like 5. Sweet bliss.
3. Reconnecting with my (non-roommate) friends. Per doctor's orders. It was necessary and it was stellar!



circa 2009.

4. A winter storm. Like I needed any excuses to put on my cozy shoes and sip three cups of tea and read magazines for entire days. But, the fact of the matter was that I couldn't go anywhere even if I wanted to. Which I didn't.
5. A box of chocolate and chocolate chip banana 3 AM pancakes. What am I supposed to explain about that?



We didn't eat half of each one if that's what you're thinking.

6. Figuring my schedule out. It was a doozy, but it's all over now.
7. Realizing I signed up for awesome teachers. It really does make or break a class, obviously. So much so that I wish I'd thought about ratemyprofessors.com.
8. Coffee. Well, that's every week, isn't it?



This is months ago and that's decaf, but trust when I say it elicits this response every morning. Which is somewhat miraculous at 7 a.m., you know?

 



I am so not the only one.

9. $15 sweaters at Old Navy + new warm and cozy boots. It's about time I winterized my life. 
10. Cleaning out my closet. Coming to terms with the fact that I AM NEVER GONNA WEAR THAT isn't easy, but somebody's gotta do it.

Reasons next week is going to rock, too:

1. Janie comes home! (Gonna be) reunited and it (will) feel(s) so good! Plus, then we can sing, "The gangs all here." (Jane, you're the only thing that got an exclamation point out of me.)
2. MLK Day. I care about this for lots of reasons, but I'm not gonna lie. I'm pumped about getting out of school. Oh, whatever...you are, too.
3. Yoga. Tuesday, I get to take a 50 minute Fitness Yoga class for credit. I feel like I seriously beat the system here. Plus it's yoga with Ginny. 
4. Roommate Christmas. Nothing like a belated Christmas celebration to fend off those mid-January blues, aye?
5. I checked the forecast. Next week is all about the sunshine.

Onward Bound

Have you ever had a first grader look at you sternly and insist that you "don't know because you're not even here ever!"? No? You're missing out. Has your mother ever mentioned something and when you exclaim, "I can't believe you didn't tell me that!" she murmurs, "Hm... did I not? I thought I did. I guess I forgot to call." Have you ever felt absolutely equally torn between the family who made you strong enough to leave and the one who has taken care of you since you've gone?

I have.

This break has given me so many things: Rest. Calm. Relaxation. Guilt-free Friday Night Lights marathons.
But most importantly, it's reconnected me to these people who used to be my moon and stars; it's reminded me how much they still are. It put me back in my rightful spot in the sky next to them. And just like that, it's time to climb down and go away again. And that, my friends, is no easy task.

The hardest part, I think, is not the actual driving away, though that will probably be harder than it's ever been before because this is the longest I've spent here since I left in the first place; it's the first time I really, really looked around and thought, "I don't really want to leave," though it's not because I don't love Tuscaloosa. That's the hardest part: I do love Tuscaloosa. And I will be happy to back. And it will only be a matter of days before I fall so seamlessly back into my routines there, before I'm walking the University's sidewalks just like I've been doing for the last 18 months. It will only be a couple of days before it seems like I never left at all, before my spot at this table becomes the places for stray papers again and they go about business as usual, too. And suddenly, there will be days without talking again, because, hey, we're all busy. There will be games that I miss because I can't get home and important decisions I make without their input because, when it comes down to it, I'm on my own now.

But now, while I'm here, sitting at this table, that's hard to believe. It's difficult for me to fathom getting in the car and driving away and going back to a life that doesn't involve them, a whole world that belongs to me alone. And while part of me wants to curl up and say, "Forget it. I'd rather live here forever," I know that I wouldn't be making them proud if I did that. I'm not the only one who worked my butt of to get me into college, and to back out now it makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside to be at the dinner table again would be seriously disgracing everyone's hard work. And let's not forget that I do love Tuscaloosa. I love school. And I really, really love my family there, too.

So I will pack up all my belongings- all of those that multiplied ten fold since I arrived 34 days ago- and I will hug them goodbye, and I will linger. It will take me longer than usual to gather my gumption and get in that car. I will walk right out of their lives again and take up my place further north.

But I will be doing it with their strength, their blessings, and their love pushing me along. I will be doing it with them in mind.

And I'll be back.

the five best spots at the greatest place on Earth.

Because in twenty years, I may have forgotten. And of course, these are my personal favorites. You don't have to agree with me! Bet you will, though.

5. Nott Hall- This place- the Honors College building- brings back memories every single time I enter it. It's the spot where I came, over a year ago, in my black pencil skirt, to interview for the Coca-Cola scholarship. It took us three hours to find it, and I'll never, ever forget walking up those stairs and going into the bathroom to adjust my slip. Now, I feel like part of a community of really smart people when I hang out in here. Plus, they offer cookies in the lounge.

4. Reese Phifer Hall- This is the Communications building, so of course it has a special place in my heart, but honestly, I think it is one of the prettiest buildings on campus. It is really stunning on the inside, too- really elegant and regal. I've had class in here all year and I love it!

3. The Ferg Promenade- I really can't explain why I love this part of campus so very much, but every time I walk down those steps, I get a happy feeling of belonging.It has a lot to do with the fountain in the middle of all of that activity, or the tulips that greet students as they climb the steps, or the ivy-covered columns...but my favorite part of this part is the engraved stone, amid hundreds of "Roll Tide Class of 86" and "Janice Smith Class of 56," there is one that says "To my favorite friend: I love you crazy."

2. The Quad- Well, duh. It is gorgeous, hands down. There a particular tree that is currently blooming white flowers, and I think it's my favorite one, but honestly, there isn't a part of the quad I don't like (even the mud puddles are a-ok with me). There is nothing better than sitting out in the sunshine (or under a tree) on a warm (or cool) day. If you don't believe me, I dare you to come try and tell me you're not a believer. The more you hang out out there, the happier you become. Trust me.

1. Amelia Gayle Gorgas Library- As if I haven't said it enough, I'll say it again: I love the library. There are six libraries on campus, but this one stands on the edge of the quad. I have spent hours upon hours getting lost in this place, taking advantages of the quiet and the literature and the wifi. I know the nooks and the crannies, the secret spots to hide when you really need to study, the best flavor of coffee, and when you can get a study room.

There you go! The next time you stop in Tuscaloosa and find yourself wandering around this place, visit these places. I promise they'll make you fall in love.

I made it

through my first finals week, which proved to be very different from exam week in high school, where you are exempt if you don't miss more than three days. Finals are the real deal, folks, full of essays and entire days (and nights!) at the library, and studying, studying, studying. Did I mention the studying? And I only had two! I feel like the people who have more than that should be given free brownies every day, along with some coupons for free therapist appointments in January because surely they're losing their minds. But anyway, it wasn't so bad, on account of everyone is going through it together and we can complain and procrastinate and hole up in a study room and laugh like we don't have tests that could decide our permanent grades (and thus our transcripts, GPAs, careers, and THE REST OF OUR LIVES) in the coming days. But it was an experience!

And now I'm enjoying a beautiful calm, a period of lazy that I vaguely recall from the beginning of the semester. I have no class and nowhere to be and no alarms to wake me up. Saturday is the very last day I can be here, in my dorm, until 2010, and that makes me a little lot sad. I will miss my little stake on this earth, this place that's all mine, where I can go about my business just as I want to without asking anyone (this does not include doing anything that causes a ruckus, unless the ruckus is too tempting to avoid, and then I just have to deal with the consequences.) I will miss my freedom and independence and getting to sleep until twelve without my brother busting and saying, "What, do you think you're just gonna sleep all day?"

Well, yes. Yes, I thought I would.

I am looking forward to spending time with my family, though, and Christmas and our family vacation and Passion2010. Okay, I lied. Not the family vacation part. But definitely Christmas! I can't believe we're so close, and I haven't even been counting down the days like I have EVERY SINGLE YEAR SINCE I FIRST SAT IN SANTA'S LAP AND FELL IN LOVE. I guess that's what being a grown-up is all about. Sigh. Only 15 days! And by the time I get home, it will be much less! I hope you can feel my excitement out there because trust me, it's spilling over out of me, even at 2 a.m.

Oh boy, it's 2 a.m. That explains the rambling of the previous paragraphs. Sorry, dear Internet. Goodnight and happy dance with me- finals are over!!

I wrote this for a class, but I'd like to remember it..

Advice I Would Give to Freshmen

            I would like to tell you, an incoming freshman, several things that I wish someone had told me, although I would not have listened, and you probably won’t either. But still, I am clearly very seasoned and experienced, and you should listen to me. This is what I would like to say:

            First and foremost, that everyone is in the same position as you, and so stop thinking you’re special. When I came to the University, I so scared. Plain and simple- I was scared about everything, from doing my own laundry and missing my family to cleaning my toilet and not making any friends. These are things that everyone goes through, and if they tell you they don’t, they’re lying to you. Everyone is nervous and frightened and excited. Everyone gets homesick at least once or twice, and everyone feels at some point like they don’t belong- even if it’s only for a second. The important thing to remember is that you’re not alone. You have hundreds of other people who got plucked from their safe, warm comfort zones and thrown into this brand new world. Maybe some of them brought their best friends or already lived in Tuscaloosa; perhaps that made the transition easier, but they still dealt with same emotions. And even so, most people didn’t. Most people left their friends at home and are here alone. So, my advice would be to leave that stinking comfort zone behind. Jump into the water (warning: it is cold!) and introduce yourself. At first, it seems so silly, because you’re not used to doing it. But before long, it will become second nature for you to introduce yourself and jump into the conversation. Before you know it, you’ll have friends who, although they don’t really know what they are doing either, will help you figure it out. You’ll do it together.

            Secondly, find something to get involved in. That’s the most cliché advice out there, and I know that, and I rolled my eyes every single time someone told me that, but it’s true. I was forced to get involved through the Coca-Cola scholarship program, and it was one of the most beautiful gifts I received. I participated in Alabama Action, a service-minded week, and met some of my best friends (I promise!). Maybe you absolutely love Ultimate Frisbee or football- there are intramurals for you (I don’t see the draw of throwing a piece of circular plastic or a hard ball, but I’m sure it appeals to some people.) If that’s not you, look up some clubs or organizations. There is something, I promise, and if you can’t find something, join a club and feign interest. It will force you to meet people who have the interests, or at least someone who also has impressive faking skills.

            Thirdly, bring an umbrella. It rains, the buses are running late, and you walk to class. It rains a lot. Trust me. Bring an umbrella. (And not one of those puny dollar-store ones, either. You think it only happens in the movies, but there will come a monsoon one day, and it will take you and your umbrella by storm, literally. You want a strong one.)

            Lastly, decide who you want to be. Almost upon the moment you arrive, you will have to start making decisions. Some of them will be simple, no-brainers, and others will require some thought. Soon, you’ll be faced with moral dilemmas that never even touched you in high school. You may or may not have a supportive group of friends to help you make decisions and, and if you don’t, it will be harder, because you might be swayed by people who don’t have your best interests in mind. So decide what kind of standards you want to uphold, and then stick to them. Don’t be afraid to say “no”- and in the same breath, let me say, don’t be afraid to say “yes.” It’s a whole different world, one without your parents there to coach you, guide you and ground you, and you have to be careful. Enjoy your freedom, but remember that freedom walks hand-in-hand with responsibility. It is possible to have incredible fun and still maintain grades, as well as moral standards- I do it every day. Whatever you decide to do, and whoever you decide to be, make sure you’re becoming that person for yourself, and not for people who will try to convince you to be like them. It will happen, but if you let them know that you are who you are, you like that person, and you will not be persuaded to become someone else, thank you very much, you’ll find that they’ll back off. Love who you are, and if there comes a day you don’t, remember that anytime you decide to change, you can just start.

            Depending on whether or not you feel like you need to look like everyone else, you may or may not want to invest in some Nike shorts, leggings, and boots. (I know you won’t believe me now, but these are clothing materials that actually go together, or at least, that’s what hundreds of girls around here believe. It only works on this campus, so if this is up your alley, take advantage.)

Best wishes for your freshman year,

Lindsey 

things that have changed about me since college, and why i'm hating today.

I knew things would change about me once I came to college. I was moving out, moving on, moving up. I had the chance to do things the way I wanted to, even if those things were simply choosing what cereals to buy or how to fold my t-shirts. No longer was I forced to bend to the ways of my home (although I doubt Lori would have stood with a whipping cane, forcing me to fold t-shirts any particular way), but I now have the freedom to experiment, to draw conclusions, to change. I can do things in the way I think is best. Given, these are small, minuscule, trivial, even, parts of life. And some of these things have simply come about; before, there was no need for the things that I now must have. But, on to the list.

• I drink coffee regularly. More so, I crave coffee the way alcoholics must long for a shot of whiskey. I demand it on rainy days, cold days, i-only-got-three-hours-of-sleep days, and especially rainy, cold, i-only-got-three-hours-of-sleep days, but mostly, all days. Ironically, I used to see it as an occasional treat that I didn't really even like all that much, and I would go for some sort of fancy concoction. I do really adore a white chocolate mocha these days, but a tall, large, bold coffee with skim and sweet n low will work just fine, thank you.
• I'm a studier. I've never been one who had to study, or felt that desire to "oh my god, i have to be the best at every, single thing," and thus, my life never really warranted too much studying. (Although read any of 2009's posts from January through May, and my anatomy-induced whining will tell you different). However, now, I have come to love the library, and often retreat there between classes to do some not-extremely-pressing studying.
• I care much less about my appearance. This could be the new friends I have who don't care either, the sleep deprivation, the fact that I am always going somewhere, and I was already supposed to be there ten minutes ago, or a combination of these, but I am super happy to throw on sweats and throw my hair up and forgo makeup, just because, um, that's not all that important.
• I eat healthier, but, in the same breath,
• I eat a TON of sweets.
• I am so much less attached to my phone. This is a funny one, because you would think I would become more attached to it, with so many people that I care about so much farther away from me. But, I find myself leaving it for hours in the room or not really caring when it dies. It's possibly because I am so often with most of the people that would text or call anyway. I am also much less likely to respond to you these days, just because I'm too on-the-move to constantly be texting, and it's takes away from my focus on the people I'm with. This, my friends, is a good thing.
• I carry a backpack (I stopped doing that in the tenth grade).
• I get so much less sleep. Internet, I am so sleep-deprived. I am not alone, though. Uh-oh.
• I have black fingernails. TAKE THAT, NANCY AND ADA!
• I, supposedly, talk differently. I say, "drats," and also, my voice has changed. I don't even know about that one.
• I drive a lot less.
• I did find that the most important food to me is cereal. I love, love, love cereal. I will forgo toilet paper in favor of Oatmeal Squares. Not kidding.
• Oh, and how I fold my t-shirts.

And, why I hate today: (in list format! a whole list full of HATE! lucky you, you reader, you!)

• It's raining.
• Not only is it raining, but it's monsooning in a very tropical-stormy way.
• It's monsooning in such a tropical-stormy way that it turned my umbrella inside out. Yeah. That happens in real life.
• That happened today. This morning. Before my coffee.
• It's cold. This makes the monsooning rain even more difficult to stand and induces shivering that can be misidentified as seizing, not to mention the inside-out umbrella-wrangling. Oh what a joy I must have been a watch as I fled to the library.
• I only had three hours of sleep last night. Yup. Three. The number babies can count to before they can even say the word banana. Less fingers than are on one hand. I feel like if I get a number of hours of sleep that would also be an appropriate pizza slice serving, I have failed. Three falls into this category, folks.
• In addition to the sleep and the rain and the cold, I had class. At 8. All the way across campus.
• I wore flip-flops today and,
• I don't have a rain jacket with a hood. (Allow me to mention that the desire to steal my roommate's was very large, but I fought it in a good Samaritan way and went with a measly sweatshirt.)
• I have history tonight. And the outlook of my getting a nap before then seems so small because I have a paper due.
• AND i found out I have a test on Thursday. Couldn't he have told us last Thursday? That man, I swear.
• At this point, I have coffee breath, and no gum.
• I also have class in 53 minutes.

One thing I love about today? This wonderful routine of mine, with coffee and a muffin and a blog or two. Really, quite wonderful indeed. Plus, it's supposed to be sunny tomorrow.

This is who I am.

Well, of course, I should have known that I wouldn't have posted very regularly. My life took a turn, a brilliant leap. It's as if I had been waiting in line all of those years and then with graduation and a summer after, it was my turn to get on the roller coaster, and that's where I've been ever since, flying through this, trying to figure out if I should put my hands up and scream or hold on for dear life. And although it's a wonderful place to be, and although I know I'll never get to be here again, so I might as well throw my hands up, that doesn't take away the fear that sets in when I realized I left my friends and family behind, on the ground, to watch me soar.

So, you see, I've been dealing with alot. Now, don't take "dealing with" as "dealing with." These two months (nine weeks! nine weeks?!!?) might have possibly been some of the best two in my life. The only other ones I can remember being this wonderful were those two months before graduation, when anticipation and excitement and pride began to set it, but alas, they were only preparation for these months. When Chris and Lori and Callie dropped me off, I had to be at lecture for Alabama Action at 4:30 (some place I did NOT want to go). Although my excitement about the whole thing was barely containable, dread began to set in as I watched the clock. I kept thinking to myself, "It's okay. You still have four hours, three hours, two hours." It was 10:15. 11:39. 12:57. 2:22. We moved quickly, cleaning and unloading, and setting up, and trying to make this place feel like home. Then, they knew they needed to go, and I walked them to the parking lot (perhaps the worst mistake I made). See, I walked them there, and I hugged them, and I teared up a little, but then I turned away. And they drove off. I did not look back, but as I headed back up those unfamilar steps to this unfamilar room, with all of these unfamilar people, I began to sob. My shoulders shook as loneliness took hold of me and squeezed me. I went to lecture that night, and came home, and ate some beefaroni. I was certain that this wasn't going to work out for me.

But then. But then.

Then, I went to dinner- against my gut instinct, which told me that I should just go home to my beefaroni. But, regardless, on Monday night, I went to Mellow Mushroom and sat down with a group of girls that I had never met, that I was certain weren't for me. And Janie Parker sat down across from me. You might say the rest is history- now would be a good time for that cliche to save my fingers some exercise- but I shall tell the story for whomever wants to here and for myself, when I am old and grey. Janie Parker sat down, wearing a dress that had more colors than a Crayola box of 64, and she introduced herself, and ten minutes later, my loneliness started to creep away. We competed for words as we talked; I don't even remember about. Gracie sat next to Janie and Lauren sat next to me. Heather was on my left. We talked and talked, and we became to realize that God is powerful and wonderful and that He takes care of us. He gives you what you need before you even realize you needed it. He's one heck of a God.

Now, I'll go ahead and say the rest is history, because we've been somewhat inseparable since then. And, although Janie remained my best, I have met more wonderful, beautiful people than I ever could have imagined as I sat crying into my beefaroni those months ago. But I am not even sure that is the most wonderful part about college.

Callie says I have changed. I know it's true. I am not who left home two and a half months ago; I am not the girl who cried all the way up the stairs.

I am the girl who will introduce herself to anyone.

I am the girl who exercises an hour a day.

I am the girl who spends hours at the library.

I am the girl who will enter a discussion in the middle of Bible Study or the classroom.

I am the girl who will make appointments, and meetings, and write them down in her planner.

I am the girl who calls home every three days at most.

I am the girl who cleans the bathroom, the dishes, and her room on a regular basis.

I am the girl who praises God with every breath.

I am the girl who looks forward to church, even though she doesn't have to go.

I am the girl who rocks a meeting with her dean.

I am the girl who makes mistakes on a daily basis.

I am still, however, the girl who loses nearly everything (I'm not sure how I have anything left :(..)

I am the girl who eats healthily.

In fact, I am the girl who hasn't had sweets in two weeks.

I am the girl who gained ten pounds, and who will lose them.

I am the girl who takes the scenic route.

I am the girl who dances, and sings, and runs anyway.

I am still the girl who will give you the silent treatment, though.

I am the girl who can eat cereal for dinner every. single. night.

I am the girl who doesn't care about her hair or if she's wearing makeup anymore, and who will wear tshirts and sweats most days.

I am the girl who loves to dress up.

I am the girl who only has one black high heel.

I am the girl who will wear a cat mask and ding-dong ditch the President's mansion.

I am still the black-and-white loving girl I always was.

But I'm different. Better? I like to think so. I like to think I've matured and grown into something that would make my mother proud. I like to think that although my mistakes are so many (traffic ticket! green dress! overdrawn bank account!), I am learning and learning and learning. I do know that my mistakes will probably never be any less, just different. But the saddest thing is to make the same mistake twice (unless you do. It's okay, just a little ridiculous.)

This is my college life. This is my adult life. This is who I am, today. Is that okay? I think so. Maybe I'm more independent than I ever realized I could be.

Does this mean that I don't get homesick? No.

I didn't at all those first few weeks. My life was fast-paced, and this whole thing felt more like a few weeks at summer camp than my new life. But every now and again, now that this life has become mine, I feel it take hold, and I long to be back. Back on live Oak Drive. Back with my family, with my old friends. Back in the library. Back at my computer. And so, I put on my purple plaid pajama pants and I watch tv, and I feel a little sorry for myself. And it passes.

It's a good life.