Wednesday, February 25, 2009

I can't even be there in the right way or at the right time. Logically, I know I can't prevent certain things or even help them when they do eventually happen, but that doesn't account for why I feel like I should do both.

I took my anger out on myself by making myself do an extra 100 situps. Not nearly as self destructive as other things I've done.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009


I am going to the beach in April, for Spring Break and during my birthday. Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!

However, it got me thinking about my bikini bod...or lack thereof. All things considered, I eat pretty healthily. I have a poptart or a granola bar for breakfast, a sandwich, some chips and fruit for lunch and then protein, starches, & veggies for dinner. Pretty balanced. But I don't drink as much water as I used to. And I've kind of let cookies sneak into my diet again. A lot. And I don't want to lose weight- I feel pretty comfortable where I am, and I'm a size 4, and that's fine. But when I LOOK at my body, I don't really like it. My stomach is kind of jiggly. And my thighs- God I hate them. To me, they look like they shouldn't fit into a size 12 pants, much less a size 4. I loathe them. My waist is smaller, proportionately, than they are, wich means my pants are ALWAYS too big in my waist but snug in my thighs. Ugh!! And so my pants get weird bunches from the belt or slide down and make my butt slouch.

Anyyyyyyway, I'm ok with this in winter. But in April- I'm going to the beach. Not with my family,, whose opinion of my body I don't really give a hat about. But I'm going with three, maybe four girlfriends and I do NOT want to be the fat friend! Or, the one who looks the worst in her bikini. I want to be toned!! Or, toned-er. I don't need a 6-pack. Just a little less flab and a little more smooth.

So, I started tonight with 50 situps (waaay harder than I remembered them!) and these soccer things my friend showed me. Hopefully I'm sore tomorrow- that always gives me satisfaction. And I'm pretty sure I can keep at it. About a year ago, I started losing weight, at first not on purpose, but when I started to like it, I did keep at it. And everyone thouht I was going to gain it back or give up. But I got down to a 4 and I still am a 4. I have determination when I want it.

I'm off to pack my lunch. Just one cookie :)

Monday, February 23, 2009

I have this bad habit where I'm really available to people.

Not certain people, just people in general. I keep plans. I respond to text messages. I answer the phone. I call when I say I will. I don't go MIA for hours at a time. I answer emails and messages.

But so many people don't return what I think is just good manners and common courtesy.

So I should make myslef more unavailable.

haha. yeah, right.

Saturday, February 21, 2009

i just want

one person to like me best.
If one more person yells at me today, I am going to lose it and yell right back- louder!

Okay, I'm not perfect- I know that. I'm sorry that I didn't do exactly what you wanted me to exactly how you wanted me to do it- I tried.

So stfu already.

Friday, February 20, 2009

Amazing love.

It's been almost a week since I posted. My head is just so full of things that I'm not sure how to organize them into letters and words and sentences.

God has been dealing with me lately. And I hate that phrase. Once you become truly committed to a real wlak with Christ, God deals with you all the time, I think. There's always something you could and should be working on, to better yourself. Not that that's a piece of cake or that I always do it, because trust me, I don't, a lot. But I'm learning that there are times where God just puts things on your heart and reminds you over and over and over and you're like, "What? What? What do you want me to do?" Sometimes the answer isn't what you'd hoped or expected and you're not sure you can deal with it or even know where to start. That's happened to me. I digress.

Anyway, God's been doing this to me. And I wasn't sure why. You know I was upset about my best friend. I mean, I don't know why. I felt like she was distant and that we were just going through the motions of being friends when really we weren't. Friends, that is. Or, well, best friends. And then I kept asking God what to do- I even considered if maybe He was telling me we were just supposed to not be friends anymore, something that was impossibly hard to even consider, but I'm in the business of following Christ. And I cried everytime I thought that might be the answer, but if that's what He wanted, that's what I would do. But that was not what He wanted. He let me pray and pray and pray and plead for an answer because I was so upset. It's not like there was one certain thing or anything that happened, but He put her on my heart. And finally, He gave me an answer- He said "Be there for her." And I was confused. After all, I felt like what was happening between us was mostly her doing- I mean I hadn't changed, right? And so I was like, "What? Be there for her? She's hurting me! She's keeping things and telling me she's keeping them and she's not wanting to hang out and it doesn't seem like an issue. We're not really talking. Be there for her?! Are you crazy?" I went to sleep that night certain of what I was supposed to do but angry at that answer and completely unsure of how to go about doing it. I was delaing with family issues, and if anything, I felt she should be there for me.

But that was my answer, again and again. So, when I asked her what was wrong, and she wouldn't tell me, I'd say, "Okay. I'll be ehre caring, anyway." When she didn't want to talk, I didn't press it. I was just around, reminding ehr I was there. I was starting to understand what was going on in her life, and it felt like God was using me to somehow help her. I just didn't know how. So I just kept being there, telling God, "Give me what you want me to say to her, to do." And as this was all going on, I was dealing with own things. My Lori has something wrong with ehr and the doctors don't know what. My dad. And school and all of that just everyday stress that just kinds of wears on you after awhile. But I just tried to keep being there. And she wrote a blog. And she dropped hints. And she let me know without letting me know, as she mulled what she wanted to do. And then, when she finally told me herself, I didn't lecture or give advice. I just listened. I asked God what to say and He said, "Just be there. Don't say anything." She told em the same thing. So I was. And about twenty seconds after I told I felt God was preparing me to help her, she told she felt like she no longer wanted to be with her longitme boyfriend, whom she still loved. And that's a hard, hard thing, letting go of someone you love. And so here she is, in this thing, and here I am, right beside. And God's holding both of us, and I know that. He knew what was going the whole time. Probably the most incredible part is that the day she told me all of this, I wrote her a message. I told her all of this, how worried I had been for no apparent reason, how I wasn't sure what was going on but that I was there. No matter what. I wrote it because I wanted to include the lyrics to a song that I had heard at church- at which our Bible study had been about friends, and what kind of friend you should be- this wasn't a coincidence, and it also wasn't a coincidence that I felt so strongly about going to church that night, even though there were tornado warnings out the wazoo and even though I had to pull over on the way there. The song is called, "Prayer for a friend." It goes like this:

Lord I lift my friend to You.
I've done all that I know to do.
I lift my friend, to You.
Complicated circumstances have clouded his view.
Lord I lift my friend up to You.

I fear that I won’t have the words that he needs to hear.
I pray for Your wisdom , oh God.
And a heart that's sincere.
And Lord I lift my friend up to You.

Lord I lift my friend to You.
My best friend in the world,
I know he means much more to You.
I want so much to help him,
but this is something he has to do.
Lord I lift my friend up to You

Tell me there's no God.

I'll prove to you that there is.

Sunday, February 15, 2009

I juat read this on!

Boss: You wrote here that your communications skills are "excellent".
Me: Yes, I did, and they are.
Boss: But I would never use the word "excellent".
Me: You didn't. I used it.
Boss: Yeah, but I'm the one giving you your assessment.
Me: Yeah, but I'm the one who wrote it.
Boss: Well, I wrote some of it.
Me: Yes, and then you sent it to me to add anything else I felt should be included.
Boss: But you've added a lot of stuff, and changed some of mine.
Me: You didn't put a limit on how much I could add, and I only corrected your spelling and grammar.
Boss: Oh. Okay. I was in a rush when I wrote it. But I would never use "excellent". I don't like to use that word.
Me (grinding teeth together): What word would you like to use?
Boss: I like "good".
Me: How about "superior"?
Boss: Superior to who?
Me: Whom. You, for one.
Boss: Now you're just being rude. How about "very good"?
Me: How about "impressive"?
Boss: Impressive? Impressive. Is that a real word? How about "very, very good".
Me: GEEZ FREAKING CHRIST!!! Here's what YOU can do with your STUPID FREAKING ASSESSMENT ... !!
Boss (shrinking back in chair): See, that's NOT excellent ...

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

word vomit.

Excuse me while I vomit all of my emotions onto my keyboard.

This week- I am SO over it. This weekend- pretty much dreading it. Can next week go ahead on get here? And tomorrow is ONLY Thursday!! Gah I feel like it should be Sunday at LEAST. Tomorrow night I have practice for this skit that I haven't even had time to learn, between pre cal and anatomy and whatnot. Friday I have said skit and I have to work a banquet- ugh. I've worked my share- it's not like I'm lazy- and I just don't want to. I want to do something fun. Saturday- in case you were livng under a rock- is Valentine's Day. Shoot me. Now, I'm not one of those cynical "oh, it's just a hallmark holiday" people, really, but honestly, do i look like I have a boyfriend? Nooo... so why the need to constantly bring it up and ask me what I'm doing? Nothing overly romantic. In fact, I'm having dinner and shopping with a friend. Not romantic in the least. But since you can see the obvious, there's honestly no need for you to go into you and your boyfriend's plans and then ask mine. Get a life. I'll seriously be so glad when Valentine's Day and prom and all of that is over. I feel like there's no place in this world for single people, and I'm not even one of those sad bitter single people- I soooo don't mind being single right now...on account that I'm 17. But if it's this bad in high school, I can't imagine what it's like in the adult world where you're supposed to get married. I feel like I should call Carrie up from Sex and the City and tlak about this though because evryone else has a boyfriend and wants to know what me and my nonexistent one are doing for Valetines Day!! Sunday, where are you?

Besides that, my best friend and are not going to be getting together this weekend, since oyu know, I'm not going to ask her to ditch her boyfriend on Valentine's Day for me. That would be weird. But regardless, that leaves us with nothing. I feel like I don't ever see her except that one night on the weekend. Every other time it's for 10 min or 15 min at lunch if we're lucky and hardly ever is she without him anyway, at school, which is when I see her. We don't have a class together anymore which means that day on the weekend is pretty much all we get. She's (and me too i guess) far too busy for weeknight excursions - there are exceptions but not many- and it all scares me to death. I just found out I won't be here for her birthday. Birthdays are a big deal to us. We make a big deal. She said she hopes her boyfriend will do what I've done, and I said, no!! Him replacing it is not the same! Let him do his own dang thing and I will figure mine out! I'm so scared that this is the beginning of the end. Part of me longs for this time last year, with the promise of another year, so many more chances. But those are getting soaked up and lost to other people, or work, or homework, and I just want to say WAIT A SECOND! What's important here? In a few months, I won't be down the street- can we take advantage of it before it's too late and we regret it immensely? Everything's about to change and I feel like I'm holding my breath for it, anticipating and worrying about it so much that I'm not enjoying what I am getting, and I'm noticing how much it's already changing. I'm afraid that one day -sooner rather than later- we'll just be that memory of what used to be and we'll have moved on, lost in busy schedules and school and everything else that we put first. I'm scared.

Furthermore, my dad and sm are like little kids. As I've mentioned, I have a kind of scary dr. appointment on Friday. They want to take me. And I said no. And everyone is acting like that's crazy that I said no. First of all, I don't talk to either of them really. Maybe once a month him, couple times a month for her. They have no clue what's going on in my life. On the other hand, Lori is here, living with me, being my mother. Who's the logical answer to this? WHY would they take me instead of her? It makes NO sense to me! WHY in pete's sake are they throwing a hissyfit about it? Okay, so you're not my parents; you haven't been for a LONG time and a whole lot of other things point to that besides you not taking me to the dr., so get over it! Everyone knows that anyway, and no one is going to think you're super great parents b/c of one dr. appointment. They are blowing my ming. Now neither of them will talk to me (shocker) and I'm sure they're calling me a brat b/c they just bought me that phone (that I PLEADED for them not to buy, for this very reason- I didn't want to feel obligated) and I'm stressed out about the dr. appointment itself, so WHY is this an issue? Grow up!!

I feel better now. Kind of. I lied, I really don't too much. But oh well. I'm praying for like...April. But even then, I'm thinking, "there's that much less time..." I do want to go, more than anything. But I hope no one thinks that I'm not thinking about what I'm leaving behind. Who I'm leaving behind. Because it's pretty much all I ever think about.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

i want to go in there and cry and say, "i had a bad day and i don't feel good." and someone say "it's okay. here, come here, it's okay." instead, my best friend told me to stop whining and lori would...idk. roll her eyes or something. ughhh. maybe it's not stuff that stops the world, but it's mattering to me right now. so shouldn't it be semi important to someone?

and i don't care if anyone says i'm whining. this is my blog and i created it to freaking have a place to whine!!

Monday, February 9, 2009

Where do I start?

I don't know. I feel more like reading a book or sleeping than doing this. Because I feel like crap.

Friday, February 6, 2009

This is going to be a bunch of different things in one post, so try not to get lost, whomever you are.

I just saw He's Just Not That Into You. I was so excited. It is very rare that that much excitement actually pays off and that you are not disappointed...but it happened. See it. Feel bad about all the cyberstalking (or real stalking) you've done. Hey, we've all done it. Okay, I've done it. It was a good start to a hopefully great weekend. Butttttt....

Here's the heavy stuff. I finished a book today. The Secret Life of Bees. I like to read books after they are made into movies because then I know it's probably something worth reading. Remember I said I liked books that made me think? This made me think. The book is about a motherless girl. My teacher let me borrow it... I'm a mother less girl. You get where this is going. I loved it, but it still made me think. Nothing I've never thought about. That's just it- stuff I've spent so much time thinking about. I have these certain memories that just stand out. It's not like big events, but small things that seemed meaningless at the time. I can close my eyes and be there. It's Saturday morning. I'm 9 or 10. My mom's wearing her blue robe that has bare patches on the arms and this pink slippers that smelled awful. She's got a cup of coffee and we're watching those Saturday morning shows... remember Hoop Time? She's stroking my hair. If I close my eyes, I can feel it. I used to be able to smell her, too, as if she was right beneath my head again, but I can't anymore. The only smell I remember now is this weird perfume that somebody sprayed on her at the funeral. I've got the bottle under my nightstand. When I smell it, it takes me right back. I feel nauseated all over again, wondering why they picked this harsh smell that she would have hated. I should throw that bottle out. But I won't. I won't ever cut any ties that might bind me to her. I know it's not jsut me. Lily, the girl in the book, felt the same way. I think the author must be motherless because she portrays it so meticulously accurately that it...brings up all this stuff again. Stuf that I know will never completely go away. It makes an appearance on days that you would expect, like my birthday, and days that you would not, like today, a cloudless glimpse of spring reserved for those times in the winter when you feel like you just can't take the blistery cold one more day. And, just like that, you get this perfect balmy day to remind you that spring is coming, if you can just hold on. I don't expect my mother to pop up on days like that. Except, she was more of a spring person than a winter person... that's who she was. But she was dark too.

See, I'm helping with a pancake breakfast in the morning. On my day off. At 8 a.m. Did I mention I've slept 12 hours in the last week? A lady at church said, "Oh, Chris and Lori must be so proud of you. You're such a good kid." I smiled and thanked her but if only she knew how I'm not. I have this hate all bottled up inside for my father, and everytime I look at him, it bubbles up so much that I have to look away. I have it for my mother, too, but it makes it easier that she's gone. I don't really hate either of them, but I do have it in me. I'm not good at all, lady. But that's not the sort of stuff people want to hear about, hating your parents. They want to see that you're a good kid, with a scholarship and a boatload of potential.

These are things I tell Him every night. And every night, He to him. talk to him. talk to him. But I can't even look at him. He says, I'll be right there. But the hate in me is so much that I'm not sure any of it will ever get out. I can't even look at him. I can't listen to what God's tleling me because I have so much hate.

I'm certainly not a good person. But maybe I have potential, if I keep at it. Maybe even a boatload. Who knows.

I like to make up stories about the people in the cars as I drive. She's heading home after work. No, she told her boyfriend she was at work, but really she was cheating on him. But it's because he's a douchebag who hits her. The other guy is gonna help her get out. She has a child. That's why she's staying right now.

That sort of thing. Today, I saw this little blue SUV. It had one of those stick figure bumper stickers that has all the members of the family in it. I tailed them for awhile ebcause I couldn't figure out if the last character as a dog or a baby stroller. It was a dog. There were two kids in the car. The little boy kept sticking his head out like a dog and making me laugh. The mom had her window down- it was springy after all- and siunglasses on. She turned around and laughed at him when she stopped at the red light. I imagined they were on their way home from soccer practice. She was going to fix him a peanut butter sandwich (I don't know this was part of it- I hate peanut butter) and start cooking dinner. The windows were opened. They just happened to turn into the neighborhood I turned into- a suburban one close to the school. They'll live there for awhile. He'll grow up here, with lots of friends and his mom will be the cool mom.

Sometimes I wonder if I get it right, or if that lady was hiding behind those sunglasses, wishing she could escape the constraints of southern suburbia and run until she find out who she was really supposed to be- not his mom, after all. I wonder what people see when they look at me like that. They surely wouldn't get it right.

Thursday, February 5, 2009

but sometime's it's generous.

well.... maybe life isn't fair. but's it's okay. here are some of the things that make me sooo happy today (and other days), even though I have a bagajillion things to do and I just read an article that said if you sleep more you can lose up to 10 pounds (that's def not a diet I could follow):

1. Firstly, I don't know if you can hear God. When I say you, I mean you. Because I hear Him. Have you ever heard people talk about how you can grow spiritually? Well, I always thought that just ... happened. Sadly, I wasted a bunch of time thinking I was growing, and I wasn't. I am, now. I used to limit my prayer time to grace at dinner and in church, listening to what others said. When you pray like that, you don't give God much of a chance to speak to you. You don't have much of a chance to listen. Now, I pray a lot. A lot. I can't sleep at night without unloading my day to Him. The worries that used to keep me awake every night float away to Him. The stress that consumes me as my life speeds down 9 different roads is manageable, because He gives me the power to control it. And when I talk to Him... I hear Him. Now, it's not audible. At first, it was little things- a song lyric here, a coincidental scripture there. Nothing that really stood out too much- but I started listening. Now, when I talk to Him, I can almost audibly hear his answer. I don't know how to explain it. The words, the answers, just fill up my head. I just know what the answer is. He speaks like a person- he says, "Lindsey," and "you." Um, whoa!! The first time this happened was the first time I said, "Okay. I'm going to lie still. I'm going to listen." And wham! It happened. I thought I was crazy. But after I got over the shock, I figured out how amazing it is. It happens all the time now, because I let it. I close my eyes in the ybk room when that sponsor who irks me talks- and He gives me the strength to not say something smart back. To continue to show Him. He talks. There's so much more than that. The blatantness of Him makes me feel ignorant sometimes- how did I go so long without seeing or hearing Him?! I realize that there are no coincidences, that when my devotions and my sunday school lesson and the sermon and the guy on the radio are all saying the same thing, it's because I'm not getting it!! And sometimes... when I get it, I just don't want to listen. In fact, I have found myself overcome with the realization that I can't do what He wants me to do. I can, actually... I just don't want to. And so I tell Him "No." You know what He says? I swear, as if He was in the flesh and was speaking it, he said, "Okay. I'll remind you tomorrow. I'll be right there when you do it. I'll give you the strength. You can do it. I'll remind you tomorrow." And He did...Have I done it? No. Pray for that. Because what He wants me to's unimaginably hard for me. When he told me this, I didn't have to wait at all. I asked and He delivered, pretty much instantly. I said, "Are you sure?" He said, "Um, yeah." Then I said, "Well, you sure do have a sense of humor." I said that out loud. I SWEAR He said back to me, "Duh. Where do you think you got it from?" I don't know if you've ever heard God say duh or if He's ever made you laugh, but words cannot describe. Words cannot describe.

2. Hot showers. Okay...for some people, this isn't a luxury. But for me, with a sister and a niece who zap the hot water in the mornings, forcing me to split my shower into two parts- it is sooooo amazing. Sometimes, when I'm in there at night, I know I should be studying, or cleaning, or sleeping, or a hundred other things. But I just stand there and let the stream relieve all that tension. Mmmmmmm.

3. Nicknames. My bff calls me Linds more often than Lindsey. I lvoe it. I often refer to her as Frances (I can't remember why). She's often Cal, too, and she'll never say Tammy again without thinking of me. I lvoe it.

4. A good lunch. Nothing like the burst of joy that comes when you open the fridge and remember you apcked a stellar lunch. Maybe it's just a sandwich...but it's got that tasty cheese, some white cheddar cheezits to go along with it, an apple (my favorite!) and some cookies. Yummmmmmm!

5. A good book. One of the ones that cause you to think at the end of it. And for awhile, you think like the book, and your thoughts come out in the format of the author's. You sound a little like him/her for a little bit. Love it.

6. Mail. The good kind. For me, it's a Glamour magazine, which I got today.

7. Plans! Nothing like knowing where you'll be when. Maybe that's just me...

8. A new pair of jeans that fit just right.

9. Getting a haircut.

10. A new favorite song.

Have a great weekend...and even though I DID wake up thinking today was Friday, tomorrow really is Friday, so yayyy!

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Life ain't fair.

I'm sooooo excited for this weekend. Actually, the goodness starts tomorrow :) I just hope all goes as planned and it turns out well. Since I detailed my weekend plans already, I'll share some things I don't understand about the world:

1. Why anyone posts personal things about themselves on Myspace/Facebook. I'm sorry, but if I'm having an issue, my bff and a few select friends are the only ones who will know unless it's
'not hideable. Why would you want your 300+ "friends" to know that you are fighting/breaking up with your boyfriend/with your best friend/ your parents etc. etc. Given, I post personal things about myself on here. But the only people (that I know of) that read it are my bff and another one of those select friends, both of who knows a ton about what's going on anyway. Errrrr. Stop trying to get sympathy/pity/whatever, people!!

2. Why people expect people to be nice to them when THEY'RE at work (as in their clients/customers) but when they're the client/customer, they're rude and disrespectful. Yes, I may be getting paid right now. I am trying to serve you, yes. But I am not your servant, and I don't expect to be treated like one. I am courteous, patient and understanding whenever I interact with others in a business or store. Because I know how it feels. If you've ever had a job, you do too.

3. Why you look so cute when you leave the house, but by the time you reach your destination, you've either been rained on or seriously wind whipped, or are in fleurescent lighting that makes your self esteem plummet. I hate that lighting that's in EVERY store.

4. Boys. Sometimes they want you. Then, they don't. They want you when you don't want them. But when you get around to wanting, they change their minds. I think every girl can put her own lyrics into "If I Was A Boy." Gahhhh! And there's no one specific, really, just in general. It's sad, though. I'm FINALLY over him for absolutely sure (I knew I was but I was afraid that seeing him everyday would change that), but that leaves me with... no one. However, I'm confident that I'll have a whole new bunch of fish when I go to college. No sense in starting anything now, unless he's going to the university.

5. Text messaging. If you JUST talked to me, I bwt you're around your phone. Stop ignoring me!!

6. Why everyone feels the need comment to me on what I should do in MY life. If I want to lvoe him, I will. If I want to hate him, I will. If I want to forgive him, I will. If I want to buy a chi, I will. If I want to buy some clothes, I will. If I want to text him, I will. If I want to lie to myself, I will. If I want to eat a brownie, I will. If I want to be on a diet, I will (that's the worst..."Why are you on a diet..." blah blah). If I want to wear this shirt/necklace/shoes/pants, I will. If I want to listen to this song, I will. If I want to talk to that person, I will. If I want to do it, I WILL! The only people who have a say so are God, my parents (and ONLY are certain things), and occasionally my best friend, and mostly just because she has to listen to me talk about some of this. But even so, I'd appreciate advice when I ask for it, or when I need one of those reality doses. When I tell you I KNOW how you feel, but that I'm going to make my own decision, let it go, please. My life, my choice!

7. Why public school is free, and all they talk about is college, but public college is expensive...go figure.

8. Why when a guy and a girl hang out, everyone automatically assumes they are dating or will soon. Can't he just be my friend? Seriously, we're JUST friends. No one likes anyone. To my knowledge.

9. Why a teenage mother is looked down upon. This one... sets me off. I'm not a teenage mother. In fact, I'm a virgin, for a couple different reasons. However- my best friend almost was- and no, she didn't have an abortion. One of my close friends is. Another friend of mine will be soon. Why do people judge them on their age? I can tell you this. My parents had me when my mother was 32 and my father was 37. They screwed me up so royally that Lori is still suggesting counseling. I can guarantee you that if my bff had a baby, it would be one of the most loved in this world. I can also tell you that her mistake wouldn't be one of carelessness. And even if it was...even if it could have been many people over 20 have kids like that all the time? Kids they can't afford? Kids they weren't planning on? Kids they screw up royally? And how many teenage mothers succeed? A lot. But you don't get those statistics. You get the ones that remind you that some of them are on welfare or drop out of school. Of all of the teenage mothers I know- more than a few- I can only think of 1 that dropped out of school. SO SHUT UP! Until you've been in their shoes or been right beside them as they did it, don't judge them. Support them. Encourage them. You knwo how many times I held my friend while she cried and grieved and told her how great she would have been? More than I can count. Maybe she thought I was just telling her what I thought she needed, but I wasn't. I wasn't lying. She would have been great. It would have been hard, but she would have been great. And my friend that does have a baby is great. He's a happy kid. He's well taken care of. And she's taking care of her business, too. So get a life and then worry about it, not theirs.

10. Why I miss saying Mom so much. That's a stupid thing to miss, lol.

Monday, February 2, 2009

i love my life...

it's february! finally... i had many bad day posts in january lol. but really, january is never a good month. you're adjusting to the after-christmas lull, the dry skin and frigid temperatures and grey skies. i'm personally longing for march and april when the sun comes out and it's short-sleeve weather (but about july, i'll be like, 'oh, 40 degree days, where are you?!) And even tough I'm long for this, I'm not. I'm savoring every minute I've got, soaking it up. I'm excited about the major changes that are coming. But, being my overly-planning, change- allergic self, I'm apprehensive. And I want to enjoy and remember this.

Buuuuuuut I'm having issues doing that. My nights end at 12 after hours of studying and homework, my days consist of emails to colleges, forwards to Lori, meetings with guidance counselors, and paperowrk (and paperowrk mistakes). But I've committed to the University, so I hope that that takes the weight off a little bit and I can stop thinking, "college, college, college" every waking minute. I've got every minute filled with something. I DID NOT EVEN WATCH SECRET LIFE TONIGHT! Yup, I was doing college stuff. I saw some of it and caught the gist, but I was running upstairs and down trying to register for dorm rooms. I'm soooo excited for this weekend, but I know that by Sunday I'm gonna be ready to collapse. Chris got me thinking about it tonight when he said, "Lindsey, I don't even know how you move. You stay up all night and get up at the butt crack and then don't get home until 6 or 6:30." Later, when I complained of a headache Lori said, "Why don't you get some sleep?" It's true. I'm tired. But I lvoe the go. And even if I didn't (okay, sometimes I don't love it), it's necessary. The anatomy root words aren't going to memorize themselves or take up residence in my brain while I'm snoozing. I'm not going to get into (and now i actually mean INTO, as in, in the dorm...) college by napping and watching the secret life. Wednesday is church. This weekend, I'm off, And I've got H2O Plans on Thursday night, movie plans on Friday night with bff (yay!), a pancake breakfast to work at 8 (which, I am totally doing out of the goodness of my heart for Lori...even though it's my day off...!), then a concert. We'll stand in line most of the day; it doesn't start until 6. We won't get home until laaaaate and then church early the next morning. Sunday, there will be Sunday school and morning worship, play practice, and discipleship training. And school on Monday. It's going ot be a lot. And I'll be tired. But I'm excited.

If I'm lucky, I'll sleep (what I SHOULD be doing now, but I had to get this out...) a little. And take back my bff's shoes that are in my car. If I'm lucky...