It's been almost a week since I posted. My head is just so full of things that I'm not sure how to organize them into letters and words and sentences.
God has been dealing with me lately. And I hate that phrase. Once you become truly committed to a real wlak with Christ, God deals with you all the time, I think. There's always something you could and should be working on, to better yourself. Not that that's a piece of cake or that I always do it, because trust me, I don't, a lot. But I'm learning that there are times where God just puts things on your heart and reminds you over and over and over and you're like, "What? What? What do you want me to do?" Sometimes the answer isn't what you'd hoped or expected and you're not sure you can deal with it or even know where to start. That's happened to me. I digress.
Anyway, God's been doing this to me. And I wasn't sure why. You know I was upset about my best friend. I mean, I don't know why. I felt like she was distant and that we were just going through the motions of being friends when really we weren't. Friends, that is. Or, well, best friends. And then I kept asking God what to do- I even considered if maybe He was telling me we were just supposed to not be friends anymore, something that was impossibly hard to even consider, but I'm in the business of following Christ. And I cried everytime I thought that might be the answer, but if that's what He wanted, that's what I would do. But that was not what He wanted. He let me pray and pray and pray and plead for an answer because I was so upset. It's not like there was one certain thing or anything that happened, but He put her on my heart. And finally, He gave me an answer- He said "Be there for her." And I was confused. After all, I felt like what was happening between us was mostly her doing- I mean I hadn't changed, right? And so I was like, "What? Be there for her? She's hurting me! She's keeping things and telling me she's keeping them and she's not wanting to hang out and it doesn't seem like an issue. We're not really talking. Be there for her?! Are you crazy?" I went to sleep that night certain of what I was supposed to do but angry at that answer and completely unsure of how to go about doing it. I was delaing with family issues, and if anything, I felt she should be there for me.
But that was my answer, again and again. So, when I asked her what was wrong, and she wouldn't tell me, I'd say, "Okay. I'll be ehre caring, anyway." When she didn't want to talk, I didn't press it. I was just around, reminding ehr I was there. I was starting to understand what was going on in her life, and it felt like God was using me to somehow help her. I just didn't know how. So I just kept being there, telling God, "Give me what you want me to say to her, to do." And as this was all going on, I was dealing with own things. My Lori has something wrong with ehr and the doctors don't know what. My dad...my dad. And school and all of that just everyday stress that just kinds of wears on you after awhile. But I just tried to keep being there. And she wrote a blog. And she dropped hints. And she let me know without letting me know, as she mulled what she wanted to do. And then, when she finally told me herself, I didn't lecture or give advice. I just listened. I asked God what to say and He said, "Just be there. Don't say anything." She told em the same thing. So I was. And about twenty seconds after I told I felt God was preparing me to help her, she told she felt like she no longer wanted to be with her longitme boyfriend, whom she still loved. And that's a hard, hard thing, letting go of someone you love. And so here she is, in this thing, and here I am, right beside. And God's holding both of us, and I know that. He knew what was going the whole time. Probably the most incredible part is that the day she told me all of this, I wrote her a message. I told her all of this, how worried I had been for no apparent reason, how I wasn't sure what was going on but that I was there. No matter what. I wrote it because I wanted to include the lyrics to a song that I had heard at church- at which our Bible study had been about friends, and what kind of friend you should be- this wasn't a coincidence, and it also wasn't a coincidence that I felt so strongly about going to church that night, even though there were tornado warnings out the wazoo and even though I had to pull over on the way there. The song is called, "Prayer for a friend." It goes like this:
Lord I lift my friend to You.
I've done all that I know to do.
I lift my friend, to You.
Complicated circumstances have clouded his view.
Lord I lift my friend up to You.
I fear that I won’t have the words that he needs to hear.
I pray for Your wisdom , oh God.
And a heart that's sincere.
And Lord I lift my friend up to You.
Lord I lift my friend to You.
My best friend in the world,
I know he means much more to You.
I want so much to help him,
but this is something he has to do.
Lord I lift my friend up to You
Tell me there's no God.
I'll prove to you that there is.