Wednesday, February 11, 2009

word vomit.

Excuse me while I vomit all of my emotions onto my keyboard.

This week- I am SO over it. This weekend- pretty much dreading it. Can next week go ahead on get here? And tomorrow is ONLY Thursday!! Gah I feel like it should be Sunday at LEAST. Tomorrow night I have practice for this skit that I haven't even had time to learn, between pre cal and anatomy and whatnot. Friday I have said skit and I have to work a banquet- ugh. I've worked my share- it's not like I'm lazy- and I just don't want to. I want to do something fun. Saturday- in case you were livng under a rock- is Valentine's Day. Shoot me. Now, I'm not one of those cynical "oh, it's just a hallmark holiday" people, really, but honestly, do i look like I have a boyfriend? Nooo... so why the need to constantly bring it up and ask me what I'm doing? Nothing overly romantic. In fact, I'm having dinner and shopping with a friend. Not romantic in the least. But since you can see the obvious, there's honestly no need for you to go into you and your boyfriend's plans and then ask mine. Get a life. I'll seriously be so glad when Valentine's Day and prom and all of that is over. I feel like there's no place in this world for single people, and I'm not even one of those sad bitter single people- I soooo don't mind being single right now...on account that I'm 17. But if it's this bad in high school, I can't imagine what it's like in the adult world where you're supposed to get married. I feel like I should call Carrie up from Sex and the City and tlak about this though because evryone else has a boyfriend and wants to know what me and my nonexistent one are doing for Valetines Day!! Sunday, where are you?

Besides that, my best friend and are not going to be getting together this weekend, since oyu know, I'm not going to ask her to ditch her boyfriend on Valentine's Day for me. That would be weird. But regardless, that leaves us with nothing. I feel like I don't ever see her except that one night on the weekend. Every other time it's for 10 min or 15 min at lunch if we're lucky and hardly ever is she without him anyway, at school, which is when I see her. We don't have a class together anymore which means that day on the weekend is pretty much all we get. She's (and me too i guess) far too busy for weeknight excursions - there are exceptions but not many- and it all scares me to death. I just found out I won't be here for her birthday. Birthdays are a big deal to us. We make a big deal. She said she hopes her boyfriend will do what I've done, and I said, no!! Him replacing it is not the same! Let him do his own dang thing and I will figure mine out! I'm so scared that this is the beginning of the end. Part of me longs for this time last year, with the promise of another year, so many more chances. But those are getting soaked up and lost to other people, or work, or homework, and I just want to say WAIT A SECOND! What's important here? In a few months, I won't be down the street- can we take advantage of it before it's too late and we regret it immensely? Everything's about to change and I feel like I'm holding my breath for it, anticipating and worrying about it so much that I'm not enjoying what I am getting, and I'm noticing how much it's already changing. I'm afraid that one day -sooner rather than later- we'll just be that memory of what used to be and we'll have moved on, lost in busy schedules and school and everything else that we put first. I'm scared.

Furthermore, my dad and sm are like little kids. As I've mentioned, I have a kind of scary dr. appointment on Friday. They want to take me. And I said no. And everyone is acting like that's crazy that I said no. First of all, I don't talk to either of them really. Maybe once a month him, couple times a month for her. They have no clue what's going on in my life. On the other hand, Lori is here, living with me, being my mother. Who's the logical answer to this? WHY would they take me instead of her? It makes NO sense to me! WHY in pete's sake are they throwing a hissyfit about it? Okay, so you're not my parents; you haven't been for a LONG time and a whole lot of other things point to that besides you not taking me to the dr., so get over it! Everyone knows that anyway, and no one is going to think you're super great parents b/c of one dr. appointment. They are blowing my ming. Now neither of them will talk to me (shocker) and I'm sure they're calling me a brat b/c they just bought me that phone (that I PLEADED for them not to buy, for this very reason- I didn't want to feel obligated) and I'm stressed out about the dr. appointment itself, so WHY is this an issue? Grow up!!

I feel better now. Kind of. I lied, I really don't too much. But oh well. I'm praying for like...April. But even then, I'm thinking, "there's that much less time..." I do want to go, more than anything. But I hope no one thinks that I'm not thinking about what I'm leaving behind. Who I'm leaving behind. Because it's pretty much all I ever think about.

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