Sunday, November 1, 2009

It hasn't been easy.

As a matter of fact, it's been hard. Harder than I expected; much, much more difficult than I ever imagined. There have been fights, horrible, painful fights, that come from knowing someone well enough to exactly where to hit them, and expecting things out of them that they can't live up to, things that you should never expect. Fights that brew when you take a person for granted far too often and forget that they don't just have to be there. That at any time, especially when they're two hours away, they can decide to stop. But tonight it found it's way back, this friendship of ours. We fell into place again, and danced to the same beat, and we let it be. We laughed and talked, and while the tension let me know that things were still pulled a little snugly, it melted away. And I remembered- I remembered why I fell in love with your friendship in the first place, why I loved you so very much.

Yes, it has been hard. You've hurt me; God knows I've hurt you. We weren't as strong as we thought, but then again, maybe we're stronger. We put fight into this. We said, "No, I will not let you drift away from me. Maybe it is hard, and maybe it hurts, but I love you and if fighting for you is what it takes, then I will do that." Maybe it had to be hard before it could be easy. Maybe we just had to grow up a little. Or a lot. Maybe we're succeeding. I sure hope so.

I can't promise that it will be easy. I live far away. It's not California, but it's farther than we ever imagined. I'm sorry about that. And I love it- sometimes I'm sorry about that, too, that I wanted this, I'm the one who chose to put us through this, and I wouldn't change it. I'm sorry, but I wouldn't. It would have been far too easy to stay, and so I had to go. And my friends? I absolutely love them. I love that I had a chance to pick the friends I wanted instead of being friends with them, because, well, I go to school with them. I love that I have friends who think like me and friends who don't. I love that I found a best friend who understands me, and what I'm going through, and lives upstairs.

I hate that you think any of that changed how I felt about you.

Here's what you should know. You should know I don't have to talk to you everyday, that I don't have to know every detail. Sounds crazy, as in the past, it has upset me when you left things out, but, well, I've grown up. You should know I've changed, but if you could love the new me, I think we could revive this. You should know you haven't been replaced. Oh, no, you haven't. She made your absence more tolerable, but not less noticeable. You should know I'm doing just fine, but don't think I don't get homesick, and for you. I do. You should know that my family is a priority, and that yes, you're a part of that- a huge part- but that balancing it when I come home so that everyone ends up happy and no feelings get stepped on is like trying to not eat brownies- very, very hard. And so, I'm sorry that you're often the one that gets stepped on. I'll try to do better. I swear.

Mostly, you should know that I miss you. And I love you. And I know those are just words, and that lately our words and actions have been more hurtful than anything else, but I swear it's true. And when i say I miss you, I don't necessarily mean physically. My little heart misses yours. Come back to me.

This is who we are, we are intertwined. We can't be without the other, even if that means we're just fighting- we're still connected, still worrying, and fretting, and fighting, and loving. We always have been.

p.s. I decided we're no longer allowed to text. It's just gives us the freedom to say what we don't mean. Just call me.

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