Monday, January 19, 2009


well, I was looking at my last several posts and they're looking a little philosophical or something of that nature, which I'm really not aiming for. I just get those thoughts and hit "new post" and suddenly, they're out of my head and there to be read. Which rhymes and sounds philosophical in itself, lol.

Anyway, in the real world, stuff has been happening. In a word, I'm disappointed. Because even though stuff happens all the time- to me and to other people- when it happens, it always still hurts pretty much the same. So when my dad does the stupid things he does, i'm still just as disappointed as when I heard about it the first time. Probably more. Because you put your trust and your faith in someone, and suddenly, they let you down. Again. And so that's been bothering me. I don't understand why he can't just grow up. If you ask me, if you're ever going to grow up, 55 is a good age. But that's just me. Obviously, he disagrees. He embarrasses me. Maybe that's mean, but it's true. I feel embarrassed to tell people I'm his daughter. It shouldn't be that way.

But anyway, Friday I tried to forget about that, unsuccessfully. I went to my sister's but, surprise, she wanted to talk about my feelings about that situation. Vomit. Saturday, I worked all day long and tried to not think about anything again. It worked out okay. We went to cracker barrel and, my my bff- who are girls in every way possible- ordered enough food to feed three or four men lol. I did dye my hair darker. It makes my eyes look hauntingly dark when I do my makeup right. Then I came home and puked several times. I'm not sure if it was the medicine or the stress or a combination of both but it sucked.

Sunday morning, I spoke. Everyone couldn't believe I was going on stage- TWICE- to speak without a piece of paper in my hand. I can't explain it either. I just get up there are I start talking and I don't even realize what I'm saying, but I let God just work through me, and so it looks like I know what's going on and that I'm not nervous at all, but really, I suck at it, it's just that He doesn't. I looked out in the crowd and didn't see either of my closest friends and none of my family. Afterwards, my stepmother called me and told me how good of a job I was doing but my father looked at me and went in the other direction. But none of that could take away how it felt to say exactly what God wanted me to say, and to know I spoke boldly and that He smiled on me. I came home to an empty house because said family was at a family (not mine though) reunion. It was lonely. I read a book and myspaced and watched a movie about an unwed father. My head was just thinking and thinking. I took my meds again and probably because of that, I woke up with intense pain last night. I looked at the clock: 3:36 a.m. It was great. I threw up a little and sat on the toilet for awhile. Then I fell into this restless sleep and had a great dream :) Funny, huh? When I woke up, the kids were doing their own thing and I just laid and thought, and threw up, and thought some more. Yeah, I cried. I'm just so...disappointed. And stressed. But I can't comprehend why he did it again.

Then my bff texted to say she wanted to "run in, grab my clothes and be out in five minutes." Quote. Considering I invited her yesterday, to actually BE with me, I wasn't having it. I didn't want anyone here- I just wanted to do said routine above- but especially not for that. Maybe someone to lay with me. Later, she said she needed me, but idk. I think she was mostly mad that I wouldn't let her come over. I just wanted to be allowed to lay and think, and she;d tell me to get over it. Sometimes I need that. Today I did not. At all. Sometimes you need someone to cry WITH you, not tell you to get over it, that it will fine, that someone else somewhere has got it worse. Sometimes you don't need words. And if she came, she'd see that I was upset, and chances are, she'd give me words. So I said no and she got mad. Whatever. I don't feel bad for wanting to sulk all by myself. I mean, I wasn't involving anyone else. Everyone should be allowed to sulk about their misfortune for an hour every now and then, without criticism.

And here I sit, major headache, same stomach issues, trying to figure it out with her. I still having an anatomy quiz to study for and I need to go to sleep, really.

And tomorrow's Tuesday. YAY.


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