I have no clue how they do it. I don't even date anyone- in fact, I'm not even talking to someone, and still, boys are the majority of my problems right now. Wtf?
I've got this ollllllld friend that has decided to kind of like me, which sounds a little seventh graderish but really isn't when you're going through it, because we're talking 12 years of friendship down the drain if sometimes awkward happens, and I can pretty much guarantee the feleings are not mutual on my end. I saw his weewee when he was five. So I have to try to figure that out. The funny thing is, at first it really freaked me out, but now it's kind of a confidence boost. Which is sad and mean that I'm sucking my confidence from my friend like this. It's not intentional, though.
Then I've got this other guy who I was sort of talking to, off and on, kind of, sometimes we think we like each other, and other times he's a sarcastic cow. Really, though this is literally going nowhere, because the class in which most of our interaction takes place is ending in about a week and there's the end of that. But one of my supposedly good friends who has actually been trying to hook us up the whole time- who defnitely knows about my feelings or whatever for him-seems to have developed something for him which is totally against the friend rules!! You just don't go there.. And they have a class together next semester. Lovely!!
Then I've got loud, obnoxious, crazy boy who I sit with at lunch every day, with my bff & her bf, so everyone thinks we like each other because we're all coupling up, but really we don't. At one point, we did, but he messed that up. And anyway, he's got this girlfriend who has it out for me and I'm sure it's because she hears rumors about what goes on at lunch, but it's him. I swear. He touches me, pokes me, accidentally brushes my boob, and so on. And walks back with me from lunch. And he's so annoying and loud and obnoxious, but then, sometimes, he's really sweet, which is aggravating. He'll ask me what's wrong or pat my back when I lay my head down or listen to me tell a story, which is nice except HE HAS A GIRLFRIEND. I think he forgets or something. But I really am not going to be that girl. The other woman or whatever. Ew.
And then there's the eephant in the back of my mind that's always there. I don't have a class with him now, and I can truly say that right now I feel over it. But it's different when I see him. Or he talks to me. Or we text. I can feel it all coming back. And that scares me, because in a few weeks, we'll have a class. And we've talked about studying together and sitting next to each other and crap like that. And how can I say yes when I know what's going to happen?
How can I say no?
Not to mention my best friend, my therapist, my confidante, the other half of me hates him with all her guts. That would go over really well. Not to mention his best friend is someone who I really, really, really don't like. Yeah. Not to mention I clearly decided that my best friend was not worth getting involved with him. Which is definitely the best choice. But, if I know all that- why do I feel my heart skip when he hugs me? Why?! Why can't I be over it once and for all? Why is he in my class next semester? God has a cruel sense of humor, I'll tell you that much.
And so here I sit, all of these stupid things with penises stressing me out, when I should be writing that god awful research paper. And all I can think about is them. And them turns to all I can think about is him. And what's going to happen. And I'm praying, praying, praying that I'm strong enough to not care.