Wednesday, December 17, 2008


I'll admit it: I have fear of commitment. Seriously. Here's what happens: I start talking to a guy. I get all excited and whatnot. Then, it starts to look like it might be going somewhere, and I throw my hands in the air and start to slowly back away. Then, I turn around and run in the other direction. I'm scared. Of getting hurt, yes, but also of the unknown. And did I mention I'm afraid of getting hurt?

My mom used to tell this story all the time about me when I was little. I was about 5 and I had taken swimming lessons all summer, but I would never take my floaties off. Well, my family was going to Destin at the before school started and she finally convinced me to take off my floaties when we got there. The whole ride, all I did was ask, "You're gonna be there, right, Mom? You're gonna be right next to me? You're not gonna let me drown, right, Mom? You're not gonna let me?" Of course, she consoled me over and over, telling me that yes, she was going to be right next to me. But I was still scared.

Anyway, when we got to the pool, and I saw that water, I totally forgot that I didn't have any floaties on and I let go of my mom's hand and ran and jumped directly in the deep end. I got a little water up my nose, but I didn't get out of the pool the whole time. And I've been swimming ever since.

My mom liked to tell people that I suddenly got this fearless streak, but really I know I just forgot that I should have been worried. The thing is, my mom, who had not been worried the whole time, jumped right in after me, with her towel on and everything, because she didn't want me to get hurt.

This is kind of like that. I might as well jump in, because I'm going to get hurt regardless. That's what I've told my best friend everytime she throws her hands up and starts to back away- but it's hard to follow. And the point is, if when I do, I get hurt- I know I've got people to pick me back up. To cry with me. To tell me it's going to be okay. And to say they're proud of me, like my mom did, everytime she told that story.

So, do I know if anything is going to work out?
Am I getting my hopes up?
Am I going to get hurt?
Do I have an awesome group of people who will jump right in after me, in case I get hurt- and get me out if I do?

So, while it's scary, I'm going to just go for it. I will definitely still be worried and scared and a little bit neurotic and something psycho. But, I've been hurt before. And I came out of it okay.

So I'm jumping.

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