Mostly when I think about how hard life has been these past couple months, I just tell myself, "this, too, shall pass." But these days, it's not an it causing the trouble- it's just life. I'm not saying life's been hard as in, I've been "going through" things- you know, a death, a break up, etc. Been there, understand that kind of hard. This isn't it. This is, life is tiring, dang it. And I think I figured it out. What's happening is that I'm growing up. I'm dealing with real adult responsiblities and thus, the realization that it's not going o get any easier. It's not gong to pass.
I'm dealing with a job and a boss, and the stress that comes with both of those. Do I have a bad job or a bad boss? No. It probably isn't even all that stressful in the grand scheme of things; in fact, I know it isn't, since I don't have a family to support. But, it's still stressful to me.
I'm dealing with college. Man, the big C. Never before has so much emphasis been put on decisions- these will affect the.rest.of.my.life. And so, all I can think about is what if I make the wrong choice? But if I choose one thing that leads to a sufficient life, but had I chosen the other, spectacular doors would have been opened- I just made the wrong choice? What if, despite my intense listening and begging and pleading for Him to tell me, I don't hear what God's telling me to do, and I pick the wrong thing? What if I move away and discover I do not want to be away at all, what I really want to do is stay in the familar? What if I'm not good enough out there to make all these things I've hoped for happen? What then?
Not only that, but every time I mention the fact that Im leaving to someone close to me, they act as if I'm leaving them. There is such a difference; if I could, I would take my best friend, my sister, my guardians. I would in a heartbeat. But they wouldn't want to go with me to chase my dreams when their dreams are here- that would be as fair as me staying here to fulfill their dreams when my dreams are elsewhere. So why do I feel so guilty? Why do they assume that just because I'm leaving, it has to do with them? Leaving will probably be one of the hardest things I'll ever do, and I dread it. But at the same time, I have to, to avoid a life of settling. I know I can't do what I want to do here- I know for a fact. So while it will be so, so incredibly difficult to say goodbye after 4 years of friensdship, 6 years of guardianship, and ultimately 18 years of being a part of this family, I have to do it. Their support would be nice. Besides, just because I'm leaving doesn't mean I won't be back. I'm not going to China. And even if I was- I'd make it back somehow.
I guess all of this is to say that life is not going to get easier, but instead, progressively harder. I'm growing up. Actually, I'd bet that I'm about 97% grown at this point, as far as certian growing goes, because the learning never stops. No one is ever 100% educated on life. But maybe, before I really become an adult, I should take a class on it. Because life is hard! I guess nobody said it was going to be easy.
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